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The doctor was now saying something about trying a different protocol, vitamins, hormones. Sadie couldn’t hear. She felt numb. How dumb was she for not anticipating this outcome? But she figured she’d get at leastoneembryo to try.
“Or maybe it’s the sperm donor that’s the problem,” the doctor was saying.
Sadie thought of the donor she had chosen from the mind-numbingly vast database: tall, blond, Swedish, good at math. He also played the flute. She didn’t want to go through that process again.
She thanked the doctor and hung up. There was almost an hour until her next appointment; she’d been driving to the neighborhood early because there was a smoothie place she liked nearby, but now she couldn’t imagine eating. This, she realized, was maybe a reason some people chose to have children with another person. So when there was bad news, they could bounce it off someone else. So they could be sad together.
On a whim, she got off the exit that took her to Gillian’s office in Hollywood. Sadie was close with a lot of people from med school still, but most of them were partnered off; everyone was in their own bubble. Perhaps because she was single—and also because she was Sadie’s roommate—Gillian was the only personwith whom she’d shared, so far, the details of the fertility journey. Sadie regretted this now. She had other friends she should have gone to first. Plus Gillian wasn’t even being supportive about it.
“What does this mean for us?” Gillian had asked stiffly, the day Sadie said she had made an appointment with the fertility clinic and had decided to get pregnant.
“Nothing, as friends,” Sadie said carefully. She’d learned by then that some topics needed to be approachedcarefullywith Gillian. “But I guess you’d have to get used to a baby around. I mean you’ll probably want to look for somewhere else to live.” Then she laughed. “Babies are quite annoying!”
Gillian’s bottom lip quivered. “You’re kicking me out?”
“No!” Sadie said. “Of course not!”
But she kind of was. It felt like she was breaking the news to a partner. Sometimes she wondered if Gilliandidlove her. Whenever she took stock of her friendship with Gillian, she realized that it wasn’t very healthy. Yet Sadie felt a strange sense of responsibility for Gillian in ways she didn’t quite understand. She’d assumed Gillian would only stay with her until she found something else, but nearly six months had passed, and she was still here. She wasn’t paying rent. Sadie had brought that up a few times, delicately, but Gillian had become emotional, saying again that finding a roommate was so overwhelming, and she would help out with expenses soon, shepromised.And she’d recently gotten a new job at a magazine about health and wellness, apparently. Sadie was glad for her. Gillian said it was her dream job.
It wasn’t even about the money. Sadie just wanted her space back. And yet, if she just dropped Gillian, what if she had a hard time? Could she rely on her family? Gillian said her childhood was great, but she never mentioned her parents. What about other friends? Sadie hadn’t heard her talk about anybody. Gillian’s socialanxiety was so debilitating, she found meeting people difficult. And the more Sadie got to know Gillian, the more it also became clear why she had a hard time holding on to people.
Actually, that wasn’t true. Sadiehadheard Gillian talk about someone. Len. Lenna. Her new friend. So maybe that was something.
But right now, Sadie wasn’t sure who else she could talk to. She drove through the streets, following the GPS to the building where Gillian’s magazine’s office was located. The building was a nondescript high-rise near Hollywood and Highland. It was by far the nicest place her friend had ever worked—before this, Gillian had been at a copy shop. She felt a burst of hopefulness for Gillian, suddenly.
She walked up to the security desk in the lobby. Employees swished through, showing their ID badges.
“I’m looking forWellness?” she asked the guard, a smiling woman with a name tag that readHoney.
“Who are you here to see?” Honey asked, reaching for the telephone to call up.
“Gillian Winters.”
Honey scanned a list, then frowned. “Huh. Not seeing her on my list.”
People walked past Sadie to the elevators, swinging totes, carrying sacks full of lunch. Sadie wrapped her arms around her waist. She wondered if people could tell how fragile she felt.
“Maybe I have the wrong magazine,” she said. “Can you search building-wide?”
The guard typed something into her computer. “No Gillian Winters anywhere. Maybe she’s in an office down the street? People mix up these buildings all the time.”
“Maybe…” This was odd. Gillian had bragged about her newjob. Talked about parties she went to for the office. Sadie swore she said she worked for a place calledWellness.
At that moment, a tall woman with a long face, dark hair, and a diligent expression stepped through the revolving doors. She stopped short when she saw Sadie, seemingly recognizing her.
“Oh!” the woman said. “Are you here for Gillian?”
Relief washed through Sadie’s veins. Someone knew Gillian. Sadie wasn’t losing her mind.
The woman smiled bashfully. “I’m Lenna. I’m atCity Gossip.”
“Lenna!” Sadie smiled brightly. “Yes! Gillian’s mentioned you! She works here, right? Do you know which floor she’s on?”
Lenna looked over Sadie’s shoulder, noticing someone. “There she is.”
Sadie swung around, too. Up walked Gillian with a laptop bag slung over her shoulder. The moment Gillian saw her, she looked like she wanted to dive into traffic. Then she started running toward them like they were both on fire.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” Gillian demanded.
