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Oh, it was so manipulative. Rhiannon knew it. But then a random memory came to her. Joanna, on a good day, taking her to Goodwill for new pants. The pants they found in her size were worn but fine; after adding a few T-shirts to the pile, they went to the register. Rhiannon dragged her feet. Goodwill was never much fun. Kids could always sense when you wore used stuff.
Then, Joanna selected two pairs of dangling earrings from a rack and plopped them on top of the pile. “Every girl needs some sparkle,” she said.
“But I don’t have my ears pierced,” Rhiannon said.
“I know. But we’ll go do that next. Surprise!”
And they did. It didn’t hurt. They shared a soft pretzel at Auntie Anne’s. There was no slurring, no sadness, just two girls together. She shut her eyes. Why couldn’t her mother have been like that always?
“I mean, maybe I could get away for a day or two, if it’s really necessary,” she mumbled.
“Oh, baby. That’s wonderful.” She sounded choked up. Rhiannon tried not to feel moved. She tried not to feel anything. She told herself it was just a brief road trip to help her mother out, that was all. Nothing more. Certainly not the beginning of a relationship.
But Lenna. How to explain to Lenna? It was a bizarre lie; Rhiannon knew that. She wasn’t so far afield, morally, that she didn’t understand how deranged it was to tell people your motherhad driven you and your brother off a cliff when such a thing never happened. She wished she’d never told Lenna at all. It had been years since she’d trotted out that lie. But it was hard, hearing about how much Lenna adored her mother, how pure their relationship had been; it was the way a mother and daughtershouldbe.
She couldn’t tell Lenna she’d lied. Shecouldn’t.Lenna might not forgive her. Maybe she could just…slip away for a little. This trip wouldn’t amount to anything; she’d go, her mom would say whatever she needed to say, and then she’d be back. Afterward, she’d explain to Lenna she just needed a few days in the mountains or at the ocean. Oregon had both of those, right?
She took off the next day, in late afternoon. During the drive, Rhiannon flipped from radio station to radio station, but she couldn’t concentrate on music or talk. She didn’t know why her mother was choosingnow.Rhiannon was twenty-nine years old; over twenty years had passed and not a word had come from Joanna before. When had her father last heard from her? He was still working at the same plant, but he’d finally gotten sober. It felt like he was always teetering on the edge, though—Joanna reappearing might cause a relapse. And had Joanna contacted Carey, too? Carey probably had the good sense to tell her to fuck off. He was living in Nevada, where he’d earned his medical degree. He’d done it all on his own—was an attending endocrinologist at a big hospital there. But they’d barely talked after Carey discovered she’d killed him off in her narrative about their mother. She didn’t blame him for putting distance between them. Still, Rhiannon wondered if she should have called him before coming. They could have gone together, maybe. And…what? Or should she have called her dad? It felt harrowing, navigating this alone.
She was usually so prepared for anything, especially when it came to people. Rhiannon rarely had problems talking to anyone or winning people over—she often flirted with people to get themto do what she wanted. A skill she learned from her mom. Not that Rhiannon had any idea what to do with someone once they were interested in her. It wasn’t as if she’d had a model of a stable, normal relationship in her parents, growing up.
Her flirtatiousness was probably what made Frederick think he could kiss her in that bathroom hallway at that party. She wasn’t the type of woman who kissed someone her friend was interested in, but she should have said no a teeny tiny bit sooner than she had. She thought it was right to warn Lenna away from the guy—he’d slept with a lot of women in the office. But maybe it was because of a little more than that, too, something she avoided thinking about. Lenna’s eyes had been so sparkly when she said that she and Frederick went on that date, and a streak of jealousy had gone through Rhiannon, hot and furious. A future scenario unfolded: Lenna spending all of her time with Frederick instead. Lennahappy.
Was she a terrible friend?
Lenna and her mother were the reason Rhiannon was on the way to Oregon. She wanted that maternal closeness, she realized. A lot. It was one of those things she didn’t even realize she wanted so much until she was in the car, her foot on the pedal, following the freeway signs for Oregon, not turning back. She’d white-knuckled her way through childhood, grinning and bearing it with this absent parent looming over her; it was time to move on.
At a rest stop, she walked to a dead patch of grass and waited for her stomach to stop churning. The smell of funnel cake wafted into her nostrils. A child ran out of the rest stop, inexplicably carrying a red balloon. The setting sun glinted off it. She took a breath and got back into the car.
Hours later, she started to see signs for the state border. She drove all the way past the city and into the suburbs, the land flattening out, the traffic sparse. Finally, she came to a small house on a grassy patch of lawn at the end of a street that matched theaddress on her phone. The house was small, and there were weeds in the yard, and some of the siding looked like it was starting to rot. There weren’t any lights on, but a pickup truck was parked in the driveway. Rhiannon couldn’t fathom her mother driving a pickup truck—in her mind, she thought her mom still might be driving the Buick she’d peeled away in at the video store.
Her legs felt boneless as she walked up the front steps with her overnight bag slung under one arm. There was a rocking chair on the porch. A metal mailbox, emptied of mail. How bad could things be if the residents were regularly checking their mail? There was a little jute rug by the door with a picture of a dog on it. These things all felt like clues, but towhat,Rhiannon wasn’t sure.
She rang the bell and waited. She heard footsteps and braced herself, and then reassured herself—she’d beenaskedto come—and then braced herself again because her mother had implied there wasdanger,and what if that danger was another person?
The door opened a few inches. And there she was: the woman in Rhiannon’s memories. Her hair was shorter and fluffier. Her eyes seemed greener. There were lines around her mouth and eyes, though perhaps that was because she was frowning. Something occurred to Rhiannon: Her mother didn’t recognize her.
“Mom.” Her voice cracked. “It’s me.”
Joanna’s expression broke. “I know.”
She clutched Rhiannon’s hands then. Despite the soul-searching realization that she probably,absolutelyshouldn’t be here, Rhiannon fell into her arms. A split second later, her senses took stock of the rest of her mother’s body. She was so surprised, she let out aneep.Joanna looked down at the swelling in her belly. Then she peered back up at Rhiannon sheepishly—and playfully, as if to sayCan you believe it?
“H-how far along are you?” Rhiannon managed to ask.
Her mother grinned. “Thirty-three already. It’s almost time.”
26
Lenna
October
Present day
Lenna and Sarah read the words written on the back of the photo together.Mama and her babies: one inside, one where we can see. You might be fooling some, but you’re not fooling me.
“So this is…” She points at the woman next to Rhiannon.
