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It took Rhiannon a moment to regroup. So this was the helpJoanna needed, then. She grew wary. “A buffer? And what do you mean,set him off? He’s not—”
“He’snot,” Joanna interrupted, as if anticipating what she was going to say. “Man wouldn’t hurt a fly. But…” She sighed. “It’s this.” She touched her belly. “He thinks we’re too old. But I couldn’t go through with…you know. The alternative.” She glanced defensively at Rhiannon. “He’s a good man. Lots of other guys would have kicked me out or left me in this condition.”
“That’s your standard?” Rhiannon spluttered. “Because he didn’t abandon you, he’s a model husband?”
Joanna looked like Rhiannon had just kicked her in her uterus. It was, by all accounts, the first time Rhiannon had said anything honest to her. It felt good. “When you’re married, you’ll see,” Joanna said self-righteously. “You just don’t understand.”
“There’s a lot about you I don’t understand.”
Joanna’s eyes widened. The statement hung between them. But then she blew her bangs into the air and rolled her eyes. “Well, I guess Johnny will get used to it. You go. Live your life.”
After Joanna left, Rhiannon fought back tears. How dare she make Rhiannon feel bad in this scenario! Did Joanna just forget what had happened to herfirstbatch of kids?
Rhiannon couldn’t understand why she couldn’t say those words. Why wasn’t she brave in this flimsy little house? Why did she feel so withered and small? It had been a mistake to come. Her mother hadn’t made her feel loved or wanted. She’d brought her here to…to who knows what. But Rhiannon had had enough.
She turned her phone on and pulled up a new text to Lenna.Hey. How are you?was all she wrote.
When she saw Lenna’s name—Doing okay. You?—her heart soared. Maybe all wasn’t lost. And yet, she was so ashamed. She’d just…left.She’d totally neglected Lenna’s feelings—which were totally valid, of course they were, even if they weren’t totally right.
Lenna did most of the talking, all aboutThe Bachelor.It seemed Lenna felt as awkward reconnecting as Rhiannon did, and she remained in their comfort zone. But it was nice. Oh, how Rhiannon missed those evenings on the couch, dissecting the contestants. But then, a while into the conversation, Lenna said she hated how things had been left between them.
It gave Rhiannon pause. She wanted to be in her old apartment instead of this thin-walled room for a child neither parent seemed to want. She wanted to explain all of this to Lenna, but it all felt too heavy to talk about over text. She considered calling her, telling her everything, but she feared her mother might hear what she was saying. Then, a few hours in, she felt foolish. Lenna was her best friend. She should just tell her. Even if she risked Lenna getting mad. She neededsomeone.
Agreed, she finally texted.
A reply pinged shortly. Rhiannon blinked at the words.TOO DUCKING LATE. LOSE THIS NUMBER.
Rhiannon gawked. A sour taste welled in her throat, and tears dotted her eyes. She let the phone fall from her fingers. Numbness overtook her. Then anger.Fine,she thought, and blocked Lenna’s number. After a beat, she deleted it altogether.
“Hello?”
The door creaked open. Rhiannon shot up in the dark. Her mother peered inside.
“Thought I heard you up,” Joanna whispered. She padded into the room. “You okay?”
“Just, um, watching something,” Rhiannon muttered, turning her phone over on the mattress.
Joanna sat on the edge of the little bed. Rhiannon curled her feet away. But Joanna didn’t look like she wanted to comfort her anyway. She fidgeted with her fingers in her lap.
“Areyouokay?” Rhiannon asked.
“No,” Joanna blurted. Her eyes were wet.
Rhiannon thought, for a moment, her mom was sad because she was leaving. But then she noticed Joanna was staring regretfully at her belly. Rhiannon shifted.
“You have to see it from my perspective, honey. I’m nearly fifty. This…it’s kind of…crazy.”
“But you’ve had a long time to think about it.”
“I know. But I just held on to the idea that he was meant to be, you know? Meant to exist. I believe in that, I do.”
Rhiannon crossed her arms. “So what are you going to do?”
Joanna picked at a string on the bedspread. “I was wondering if you might want him.”
“Me?”Rhiannon laughed. “No. No way.”
“You’re so much younger. You’d be good at it. Better than me.”
