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I can no longer hold back the laughter. Glancing between the mortified psychiatrist and furious criminal, I chuckle, “You’re fine. It’s an easy mistake to make. Heisold.” Killian glowers at me, promising another punishment with his gaze. I just shrug at him, past the point of caring. He’s already broken me beyond repair, what more could he possibly do?
At least I had a little fun before…
I shake my head to clear the thought. Can’t be thinking that way if I’m going to get out of here.
Keeping a careful hold on my mind, I indicate for Evelyn to continue. “Go ahead, you can ask whatever you want in front of Killian, I don’t mind.” I see him relax out of the corner of my eye, no doubt worried I was going to kick him out.
Doesn’t matter if he hears any of it. Not like it will change anything.
Evelyn straightens, relief crossing her face at the change of subject. Gesturing toward another empty chair in the small room, she asks, “May I?”
I smile and nod, grateful the waterworks have dried up. The gratitude is brief as the crushing emptiness returns. The only times I can feel anything lately are when I feeltoo much.
She pulls the chair to the foot of the bed and perches on the edge, crossing her legs and resting her hands on her thigh. “I want to talk about your suicide attempt.” She states, shocking me with her bluntness.
Getting right to it then. Got it.
I don’t respond, deciding it would be safest to offer as little information as possible.
That’s right, there’s no point in saying anything. They can’t help you anyway.
I bite the inside of my cheek, desperately wishing that voice would just leave. I long for when I felt happy and content, for when my thoughts were my own and it wasn’t a constant battle to just exist. My heart aches but I force a neutral expression onto my face.
Taking my silence as permission to continue, Evelyn leans forward. “Your-” Glancing beside me, she hesitates before correcting, “Killiansaid he found you alone in your room. Would you like to share what happened?” Her tone is compassionate as she asks the question but my defenses shoot up regardless.Sensing my discomfort, she gently pats the bed below my leg, not quite touching me. “That’s alright, we can get into that later. How about we start with something easier?” She offers.
I nod my head, worrying my bottom lip.
Shit. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Patting the bed once again, she leans back. “Why don’t we talk about how you’re feeling now.” Pausing briefly, her eyes run over my tear stained face and I curse myself for allowing the emotions to come through.
Maybe the nothingness is better. At least others can’t tell how destroyed I am if I can just keep it locked away.
“How are you feeling, Ava?” She asks, slightly raising an eyebrow as she waits for a response.
I know I can’t dodge every question so I ponder my response before answering. “I’m…fine.” Evelyn raises both eyebrows skeptically, clearly noting my puffy eyelids, reddened eyes, and blotched face from my emotional outburst earlier. Shrugging it off, I chuckle humorously. “I’m not perfect, obviously. But I’m much better. Promise.” Drawing in a shaky breath, I will my next words to come out strong despite the lie within them. “It was just a bad night. I’m good now. Sorry to cause everyone so much trouble.” My eyes drop down to my lap as shame floods me.
Can’t even kill myself right. Fucking useless. Now I’ve burdened everyone else with my shit.
“Hmm.” Evelyn hums. I lift my eyes to meet hers, finding a soft care reflecting back at me. “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better.” She pauses, strumming her fingers against her pant leg. “I do think it would be best to keep you here for further observation.”
I open my mouth to protest but Killian cuts me off. “She said she was fine.” He snaps, clearly no longer a fan of the medical professional. A small flicker of amusement tries to break through the emptiness inside of me but is suffocated.
Still soothing my skin with his thumb, Killian turns his attention to me. “Do you want to go home, baby girl?” His face is a mixture of agony, hope, and some other emotion my disconnected mind can’t quite process.
I force a smile on my face, feeling my lips curve upward even as I feel dead inside. “Yes please.” I whisper.
It doesn’t matter that it’s his home, not mine, not really. It’s better than this hospital room and I won’t be there for long anyway. Not if I can help it.
Killian studies me, brushing his free hand down my cheek, murmuring, “Then that’s what we’ll do.” Turning his focus back to the psychiatrist, he states, “We’re leaving. Do what you need to do to make it happen.”
Evelyn opens her mouth to protest but something in his face has her quickly shutting it. Without another word, she clambers out of her seat and exits the room.
I slowly turn my attention back to the walking enigma beside me. I can’t figure out what he really thinks about me. One moment he’s trying to kill me, the next he’s saving my life, then he’s brutally punishing my body over nothing before turning into my unwanted savior.
Leaning forward, he presses a soft kiss to my forehead. “It’s okay, baby girl. I’ve got you. It’s all going to be okay.” He vows, brushing his lips against my skin.
I close my eyes and try to feel some relief at the words. No matter how hard I try, I can’t. I can’t feel anything. I may never feel anything ever again.
