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Her chest felt like it might burst open, and Jocelyn did the only thing she could think to do. She gave up her hold on the spoon. Sugar, butter, flour and a hint of peppermint spread across her tongue, but this wasn’t the gross kind of peppermint. It was Baker. Kissing her. Deep and hard.
And she kissed him back. With every ounce of herself she had left. Because she felt something. As though she could breathe easier, like there was a life outside of her trying to force friendships and combating danger, secrets and grief. Despite all his sharp edges and barbed words, Baker’s mouth was soft and determined and capable of washing the violence and fear out of her, leaving her utterly and completely defenseless against the past.
His hand found her waist, just shy of the wound in her side. He was being careful with her, didn’t want to cause her any pain, but life never guaranteed there wouldn’t be pain. Just that it had to be worth living.
Baker eased his mouth from hers, rolling his lips between his teeth. “Is that the cranberry-lemon dough you’ve been trying to get me to try?”
“Yeah.” Her breath shuddered out of her. Uncontrollable and freeing. She’d only kissed one other man in her life. She and Miles had been high school sweethearts, marrying straight out of basic training before he’d gone to work for the Department of Homeland Security. He had always been able to knock her for a loop, but this... This was something she hadn’t expected. Easy. And she desperately wanted easy. Free of fear and grief and expectation.
“It’s really good,” Baker said.
Jocelyn worked to swallow the taste of him, to make him part of her. The effect cleansed her from the inside, burning through her and sweeping the last claws of the past from her heart. She’d loved her husband. Deeply. And she should’ve been there at his last moments. But punishing herself day after day didn’t honor him. That wasn’t the kind of legacy he deserved. “It’s even better when it’s baked.”
“Not sure it could get much better.” Baker pressed his mouth to hers a second time, resurrecting sensations she’d forgotten existed. His hands threaded into her hair as though they both might fall apart right there in the middle of the kitchen if he didn’t.
A profound shift triggered inside of her, reminding her she was more than a grieving widow, more than an operator for the world’s best military contractor. More than her mistakes and flaws. Baker Halsey reminded her she was a woman. One who still had a lot of living to do. Here. In Alpine Valley. “You have no idea what I’m capable of.”
A laugh rumbled through his chest and set her squarely back in the present. They’d just made out in Socorro’s kitchen, in plain view of anyone who might’ve walked by. Jocelyn pressed her fingertips to her mouth to keep the smile off her face, but the effort proved in vain.
“Are you going to run away again?” Baker added a few inches of distance between them. “You know, like after I touched you.”
“What? No.” Her brain scrambled for the words to describe what she’d felt when he’d kissed her, but she was still wrapped up in the heat sliding through her. “This... Things are different between us now than they were then. And that kiss...” Jocelyn scanned the hallway just outside the dual-entrance kitchen. “It was not unpleasant, sir.”
“Oh, good. ’Cause I’m a little out of practice. Other than when you kissed me back at the station.” The tension in his shoulders drained, and right then she couldn’t help but think another invisible scale of his armor was shedding before her eyes. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
The reminder shot awareness into the wounds and threatened to break whatever this spell was between them, but she didn’t feel any pain. There was still a hint of morphine left in her body that would take a few hours to burn off. Blissful numbness that only Baker seemed to penetrate.
The thought pulled her up short. She’d lost her ability to feel because of the loss of one man and had sworn never to go back to that shell of a life. What would happen if she lost another?
Jocelyn forced herself to step back to give her brain a chance to catch up. It was the painkiller throwing the promises she’d made herself out the window. It’d stripped her of her internal fight, but she couldn’t lose herself now. Not with a bomber on the loose. “Has Albuquerque PD recovered anything from the landslide?”
They’d been so caught up in trying to locate Marc De Leon, she’d let her focus be pulled in a thousand different directions. The cartel lieutenant had been charged with murder by Alpine Valley PD. The bomb planted in the station had destroyed any evidence the prosecutor could leverage against him. Though it was starting to look like De Leon was working his own agenda, they couldn’t overlook a direct tie to Sangre por Sangre.
“Not yet. I’ve got my deputies trying to help when they can, but that’s hard when they’re stuck working out of the rec center. Seems those volleyball players aren’t as nice as they look when it comes to sharing the building.” Baker slid his hands into his jeans, and it was only then she realized he’d changed out of his uniform. So this was what he looked like outside of his job.
A laugh escaped. But this time it wasn’t forced. It took her a few seconds to comprehend that unremarkable detail. Everything about her had been forced over the past two years...everything but this. “I guess it’s a good thing you’re stuck here with me, then.”
The humor drained from his expression. “I’m not stuck, Jocelyn. I’m choosing to be here. With you. Because you’re a good partner, and you deserve to have a team that supports you. Not out of obligation, but because they want to.”
“What makes you think I wouldn’t get that from Socorro?” If she had a tell, it would be all over her face right then. Uncomfortable pressure lit up inside her chest to the point she wasn’t sure if her next breath would come without physical orders.
“The dining table.” Three words that didn’t make sense on their own but drilled through her harder and faster than the pain she’d run from. Baker reached for her, and an engrained shift had her accepting that touch. Needing it more than she’d needed anything ever before. “You talk about brunches and birthday parties. Thanksgiving and dinners together. Movie nights and all those types of things. But there isn’t a single scratch or ding in that table except the one you just put there a few minutes ago.”
Her mind raced for memories of Cash, Jones, Scarlett, Granger, even Ivy, having her back. “We’re military. We watch after each other. No matter what.”
“But which one of them would talk to you about your husband, Jocelyn? Which one of them would jump into the fray with you if the bullets weren’t flying?” he asked.
And she didn’t have an answer.
“I know you’re hurting more than you let on. I know what lengths you have to go to to find the silver lining in all of this, but did you ever consider all you’re doing is constantly escaping?” His words punctuated with experience she didn’t want to recognize. They weren’t the same. They hadn’t been through the same experiences, but there was a line of connectedness she felt with him. A shared loss that linked them more than she’d ever expected. “Sooner or later, your positivity isn’t going to be enough. Your mind and your body are going to force you to process everything you’re running from, and you’re going to need someone to be there for you.”
Truth hit her center mass. He was right. She knew it, and maybe her desperation to bring the team together had been out of some kind of preparation for what waited on the horizon, but it wouldn’t be today. Today they had a bomber to find.
Jocelyn straightened a bump in his T-shirt collar with her uninjured hand. “And here I thought you were nothing but a grumpy cop who’d rather save the world alone rather than trust anyone again.”
His smile cracked through the intensity of the moment. “Yeah. Well, I guess you surprised me, too.”
“Thank you. For having my back out there.” She slid her palm over his heart. “And in here.”
