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Prologue
One month later
My head hangs low as I walk into Lights Out. Partially from the shame of my loss three nights ago, as well as the two-day bender I’ve been on.
I practically begged for pain in that octagon, welcoming every hit until the ref called it. Gunnar and my new coach, Joey, were screaming my name from their corner, trying their hardest to snap me out of it, but everything just faded away.Even the pain of her leaving.
And as soon as the fight was over, the ache in my chest was back with a vengeance.Until I drank myself into oblivion.
I woke up this morning to Greyson in my face, yelling at me to get my shit together, but the pounding in my head didn’t allow his words to register. When I came to, I was on the floor of the room Ford’s been staying in at the clubhouse. I took a long shower and had him drop me off at Lights Out. Thankfully, he spared me another one of his speeches on the ride over.
“Nox.” Gunnar’s voice catches my attention, and I can tell by his stance that he won’t be gifting me the same grace today. “Come in here for a minute.”
He shuts the door behind us and points to the chair in front of the office manager’s desk for me to sit.
Gunnar remains standing and stares at me, taking in my disheveled appearance, swollen nose, and black eyes.
“You look like shit.”
“Feel like it too,” I grunt back at him.
“Good…you should with how you are letting yourself fall apart,” he says, grabbing two waters out of the mini fridge and tossing one to me.
I don’t respond. Even though his words piss me off, I know they’re the truth.
Releasing a heavy sigh, he leans against the desk. “Look, Nox, I know a little something about what you’re going through.” My eyebrow cocks, as if to say,like fuck you do. Then he adds, “Being abandoned by someone who promised you more… But you can’t let it consume you.”
With a tightening chest, my head drops into my hands at the memory of her leaving me. The daily battle in my mind is all-consuming. One minute, I’m pissed as hell, and the next, I’m worried about her.
“I’m going to be blunt here because I care about you.” I push my hair out of my eyes and meet his gaze.
“If you keep this shit up, you are going to lose everything you have worked so hard for. And in the process, you will become a man you can’t stand, one who looks a helluva lot like that piece of shit sperm donor of yours. You know better than anyone… Nothing good comes from the bottom of a bottle.”
My fingernails dig into my palms. I want to tear this room apart at the accusation…at the notion of being anything likehim. But I know he’s right. It was my first thought once I sobered up this morning.
I give Gunnar a nod, unable to form a response and knowing my words don’t mean shit at this point. I need to show everyone I’m not spiraling into a complete fuckup… I need to show myself.
I stand with a new resolve. I’ll never be over what Emerson did, but becoming a drunk isn’t going to help either. Gunnar slaps his hand down on my shoulder assuredly. “I believe in you. You have the grit and talent to be the best. You just have to believe it too.”
“Thanks for not giving up on me,” I say as we walk out the door, ready to train. This is the first time I’ve felt an ounce of contentment in the last month.
But you know the saying… Two steps forward, one step back.
“Hey…I was looking for you.” Lucian eyes me up and down, his words intended for me.
“Y’all can use the office.” Gunnar digs his key back out, unlocking the door again.
“Thanks, Gun,” Lucian says, and my stomach churns, knowing this conversation more than likely has to do with Emerson.
Lucian is well aware of how out of my mind I was during those first few days. But the longer I’ve gone without any contact and no leads from Casen, our PI friend, the crazier I’ve felt. I reread the letter she left me hundreds of times. And when I found out she left one for Colton and Lucian as well, I begged them to let me see theirs. I was determined to see if there was any more information, but that got me nowhere. Everyone tells me I just have to accept her choices and try to move on.
But how am I supposed to move on when I feel like Emerson took so much of me with her when she left?
“Nox…I heard from her.”
I stare at Lucian’s mouth as it keeps moving, but I’m still in shock from his statement. My ears ring and my stomach bottoms out as I understand what he is saying.
“She’s safe, but…she isn’t coming back,” he says on an exhale, trying to lessen the blow.
