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“Morning, Daddy. How’s your trip?” Kenzie’s voice fills the speaker.
“It’s quiet.” I check the time. “Shouldn’t you be on your way to school?”
“Mom overslept.”
I hear Harper hiss Kenzie’s name in the background. At least I’m not the one under the bus this morning. Kenzie may have just turned seven over the summer, but she’s a firebrand. She speaks her mind, and no one is safe from her candid and vocal observations.
“Did you call me just to tell on her?”
“No,” Kenzie chirps. “I’m reminding you to bring me something from the beach.”
“Don’t worry, Kenz.”
“From Georgia, not Virginia,” she says like I’m an idiot who didn’t catch on.
She got the sentimental gene from Harper, that’s for sure. She wants something from everywhere I’ve been, even if it’s a pile of sand. “I got it. Now get to school and cut your mom some slack. Not everyone is an early bird like us.”
I sense the eye-roll that surely follows.
“Love you, Daddy. Can I call after dance tonight?”
“Of course, Woo. Love you, too.”
Somehow, I haven’t managed to fuck up everything with Kenzie yet. According to Harper, our daughter is too much like me, but from where I sit, she’s the resilient one: receptive, forgiving, and unstoppable. She’s the reason I’m pulling my head out of my ass and moving forward.
Even though she and Harper now live seven hundred miles away.
Harper couldn’t take my constant leaving and uncertainty, but that wasn’t the breaking point that drove her back to her family near Portland, Maine. She got fed up when the loneliness didn’t end with my returning home, and the arguments turned our family nights into stony silence. The life wasn’t for her, and our constant tension and bickering over that wasn’t good for Kenzie.
I should have tried harder, but when she lost her second pregnancy at ten weeks just before I returned from a mission, it was too much. She took Kenz to stay with her parents and never came back.
Each of my trips to Maine only made things worse. Harper grew more bitter. I grew more frustrated. In the end, the only way to save Kenz from that torment was to agree to a peaceful separation and let Harper have the space she needed.
I always thought she’d cool off and come back, but all I got were divorce papers. We’d rectified since then, to an extent. I started spending some of my leave with them in Maine, or Harper would bring Kenzie down for a weekend, hoping it wouldn’t get interrupted by the call.
That was three years ago. Now she’s married to a man who gives her everything she needs and loves Kenzie like his own. Not only did I attend their wedding, they insisted I be a part of it as a continued part of their family. We chose what was best for Kenzie. Now, she has a stepdad who comes home from work every night, takes her to dance, and is always available when she needs him. And then there’s me. A new reality that’s equal parts torment and reassurance. I know Kenz is happy and in a good home, but that doesn’t cure the regret or resentment that I’m not always a part of it.
Sure, I considered going to Maine when there was little option to go back to duty, but I don’t want to fuck that up. We spend most holidays and birthdays together, even though they usually aren’t on the exact date. Kenzie face-times me at least once a week. Maybe I don’t consider moving there because I still haven’t forgiven myself for being a shit husband and letting them go in the first place.
Some men can find the balance. I failed epically.
So, this is where I am. Trying to start over on my own. Get myself right before I try to put myself in the middle of someone else’s life.
* * *
After Frank leaves the coffee shop, I lean back and drum my fingers against the empty coffee cup. Well, that was an experience, but it went well. Ben is the lead on this prospective job, but he and Frank have been playing phone tag for the last few weeks and wanted a face-to-face before everything was finalized. Since I had been toying with the visit to Brunswick anyway, Ben asked me to pop in for the meeting.
Despite a few idiosyncrasies about him, Frank’s concerns seem valid and I see no reason not to proceed. Which means my new job will be getting real in the near future. At least I won’t be climbing the walls of my apartment, but I will likely be on another plane within ten days of getting home.
I dial Ben while I sip the remainder of my coffee.
“How’d it go?”
“I didn’t scare him off, so I guess you’d consider that a success. He does have a little suggestion for the contract, but he said he’d send everything over to you by the end of the day.”
“What kind of suggestion?”
“Oh, I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but you could have warned me he has an adverse reaction to people in blue shirts.”
