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“And you found him?”
“Yes, the next morning. I knew he couldn’t live with what he’d done. How could he?” I looked up at him then and felt tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed by them and dashed them away. “He was selfish! How could he leave me all alone that way? Why did he have to take everything away from me?”
Blake squeezed my arm again, and we sat quietly for a few moments. Finally, he nodded.
“You’re afraid you might be like your father. Is that it?”
“Yes. I’ve already transformed around Rakkur a few times. He’s so small—so delicate. I worry about marrying a human like my omak. Another Tygerian like my first husband could defend himself against me, but what if I hurt Rakkur? What if I…?”
“Okay, I’m going to stop you there. Despite what Tygerians think, humans aren’t delicate. And Rakkur isn’t small. He’s over six feet tall, and he’s actually larger than most humans. And despite what you all think and your poorly remembered history of the war, it took you a long, long time to defeat the Alliance. Humans are smart and tough. And Rakkur isn’t even all human, but only half.”
I smiled. “I know. He tells me all the time.”
“You should listen to him. Look, Colonel, I can’t even imagine what you went through with your parents. But you’re not your father. And Rakkur is not your omak. I remember that incident when it happened, and it was shocking and sad. It affected a lot of us, and I think scared many of the Tygerian males married to other species. But your father wasn’t the only one found to be at fault. They were both known to abuse alcohol, and they had a history of domestic abuse. On both sides. There was a lot of blame to go around is what I’m trying to say, and I’m so sorry you had to witness that and go through it. But if that’s what has kept you from accepting the bonding all this time, you have to put that aside. You won’t hurt my son.”
“But if I should ever hurt him like that…I don’t think I could live with it.”
“You won’t hurt him. Not if you keep that as a reminder to never drink to excess around him, and never physically fight with him, like I understand you two have already done a little of. There’s no excuse for that.”
I dropped my head, feeling my face burning. “I know it has to stop.”
“Absolutely it does. I understand a lot of that is just foreplay…”
“Your Highness….”
“Oh, I’ve shocked you again. I’m sorry, but you do know I have seven children with my own Tygerian mate. I know all about sex with them in every kind of way.” He stood up. “If that’s all we need to talk about…?”
I nodded, extremely grateful he was through talking about his sex life with King Davos, and I turned to go back inside Rakkur’s room, but he stopped me.
“Wait. I do have one more question. And this one is non-negotiable. I have to know, Colonel, and I want the truth. I know you bonded with him. I know you want him. But do you love my son, or is lust all you feel for him?”
Did I love him? What a question. I’d never faced it head on before. In fact, I’d tried to deny it for a long time. I’d told myself again and again that what I felt for Rakkur was all just biology, and my emotions weren’t involved. I had bonded with him, so he was my mate. I didn’t need to look any further into it than that.
But love? It was implied, wasn’t it? The lust the consort had mentioned—it was what made my body respond to him every time he was near. But love? It seemed to me to be a soft word, a woman’s word. Of course, I cared for him. Cared about him. Every time I told him to be careful, or to stay warm, or to eat something or even to sleep well, I thought I’d been telling him exactly how much I cared. Every time I didn’t like it and got jealous when another man paid him too much attention. Every time I argued with him, or got angry or worried about him, more of that care bubbled out of me.
Sometimes it erupted, like a geyser, and I lost my temper because it was just too much to bear. Other times, it seemed to leak out of me like water from a battered old bucket. Since I’d bonded with him, I felt like every particle of me was slowly but surely fusing around every particle of him—every speck of him and every speck of me until we were only one being. He was my mate. Whatever happened to him, happened to me, too. Because we were part of each other, and we had been since that day on the dais when I’d so recklessly charged in to save him and wound up joining my life with his.
I looked down into the consort’s stern, disapproving eyes. He was ready to hear me say something he wouldn’t like. He had his face all set for it.
“I don’t feel lust for him. I mean I do, but it’s not the largest part of what I feel for him. I have those moments, but they’re not all I feel. Even when I’m angry at him or when I’ve had enough of him and have to get away from him, just to get a break—I still care about him. Even on the days when I don’t like him much at all, if that makes any sense. On the days when he gets on my nerves. On the days when I want to strangle him. But I wouldn’t—I couldn’t because… there’s no air without him. And I don’t want to be in the world if he isn’t somewhere in it too. Does any of that make any sense?”
The consort was staring up at me with wide eyes.
“Yes. Yes, it does. And I... I think that’ll do. Welcome to the family, Tariq.” He stood up on his toes and shocked me by kissing my cheek. “Let’s go get ready for that wedding.”
Chapter Fourteen
Rakkur
It turned out that even my formidable omak couldn’t quite convince the clergymen on Loros to perform such a hurry-up wedding that same evening. And then there was the matter of King Edam, and exactly what we were going to do about him.
In the end, Mikol and Kalen had a long talk with Edam that night, and explained things as best they could. They reported back that while Edam wasn’t exactly happy about the matter, my omak’s offer of Tygerian aid to buy more armament to fight the Pton went a long way toward soothing his hurt feelings. We had only met briefly, after all, and Omak told me that from what Mikol could tell, his valet, the red-haired and ever-present Clano, seemed quite pleased about the whole situation.
“I think that might have been a problem there,” Blake said, watching the king from my window as he boarded the shuttle in the courtyard of the palace. It would take him and his entourage back to his ship, because he wasn’t even waiting for morning, but leaving right away.
“Hmm. A little petulant, isn’t he?” Blake said. “Considering that bad attitude and the valet, you may have had a lucky escape.”
“I told you I wasn’t interested in him, especially after that awful hunting trip. I’ve decided I hate hunting. Well, I never really did like the idea of it. I didn’t even want to go, but I was trying to make Tariq regret turning down my offer of marriage.”
