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“It shouldn’t be. I’ll be honest with you. I’m not the same as I was back then. My hair’s thinner. It’s just not noticeable because I used to have super-thick hair. But now at forty-four, I have only regular-thick hair. And I have a few lines around the eyes. See them?” he asks, pointing to the corners of his beautiful, blue eyes. “I think I might have a few gray hairs in this mess,” he continues and shakes out his blond hair. “My knees get tired faster than when I was young. I can’t eat as much spicy shit.”
Walla Walla takes my hand and guides me to the couch, where he has us sit. “I tried yoga not too long ago and couldn’t do it. Back when you last saw me, I bet I would have kicked yoga’s ass. But people change. You did and so did I.”
Though his words are meant to help me see reason, I only consider how I should have known this man years ago. What if we could have spent the last dozen years happy together?
“Why are you crying?” he asks when I fight tears. “Do you see my gray? Tomcat swears I have some.”
Smiling at his teasing, I consider my life. “I had brazen plans to show up at the Pigsty and win your heart. But then, something happened, and I lost the courageous part of me. That’s why I’ve hidden away for all these years. Now, I realize what I gave up, and it’s breaking my heart.”
“I’m going to be square with you right now, okay? Are you listening to me or the voice in your head?”
I focus my teary-eyed gaze on him, so he’ll know I’m listening. Walla Walla’s such an intimidatingly large man when he’s up close this way. If he didn’t own a beautiful face, I’d fear sharing this space with him.
“Austen, I wouldn’t have been any good for you back then. I have no doubt I’d have been all over you if you showed up at the Pigsty. You were so gorgeous, and I’d gotten wound up on you. So, if you walked into a party, I would have knocked over anyone in my way to claim you.”
“But why wouldn’t you be good for me?”
“Because you’d have been eighteen. I know you felt badass, but you were a moron. Most eighteen-year-olds are. I know I was. You might have fallen in love with me, and I’m sure I would have fallen for you. But I’m not sure those versions of us would have worked. Then, we’d be wishing we hadn’t rushed. I’d always be wondering if you’d have stuck around if I hadn’t been greedy with an eighteen-year-old.”
I consider what he’s saying. All these years, when I dreamed of Walla Walla, I just added my current life to his. I would still go to college and veterinarian school. I could start a business in McMurdo Valley like I did in Banta City. Coco would move to the town once her knees got bad and she needed a new start. I could have everything.
However, despite how he makes me feel, I’m uncertain if I can really be with Walla Walla when I can’t tolerate men touching me.
“I considered coming to one of your parties even after I stopped visiting my father. I guess I mostly just wanted to see you. I thought about doing it every year on my birthday. But then, I felt like I was too old to win anyone’s heart.”
“Aren’t you like thirty-one?” When I nod, Walla Walla gives me that look men flash when a woman’s behaving oddly. “Austen, you were a sexy teenager. I felt like a real perv with all the dirty stuff I imagined doing with you. Especially since you still had that baby face. I like this face better. I feel like I’m looking at a woman rather than a child with wicked curves.”
Smiling behind my hand, I wish his compliments could fill me with confidence. Except my hang-ups are more than skin deep.
“That last summer I came to my father’s ranch, I’d been clueless. My body had changed, but in my head, I was still just a rowdy cowgirl.”
I fall silent as my mind flashes to that painful night. Walla Walla waits patiently until he realizes I won’t finish.
“What happened?”
“On Fridays, the ranch hands would have poker games. I’d gone to them since I was twelve. I’d sip booze and swear and play cards. They liked having me there since I would lose money to them. They thought I was funny and an easy mark. But that summer, they got...” I hesitate while searching for the safest words. “Rough and sexual.”
Walla Walla’s affable energy often feels like a mask he wears. Right now, it slips in reaction to my words. He doesn’t even move, yet his energy turns hostile.
Since he’s already upset, I blurt out, “I don’t like being touched by men. Though I’ve dated over the years, I haven’t been with anyone. I’m a cold fish. I don’t think six months could fix that, but maybe a little time and additional therapy could warm me up.”
Walla Walla’s large, calloused hand cups my face. I try to imagine his life in McMurdo Valley. I’ve long been fascinated by him. If I had gotten healthier over the years, I could just kiss him and finally know the flavor of his lips.
“You don’t need time or therapy,” Walla Walla says in a deep, sexy voice. “You need me to seduce you.”
I don’t know what my face does to make Walla Walla chuckle. “Come with me to McMurdo Valley. We’ll get to know each other. Do you see how I’m touching you right now and you haven’t gone cold fish? Well, we can do that day after day as we get to know each other. In six months, you’ll either love me or you’ll be ready to come home. Waiting half a year to reach the moment we’re currently at isn’t smart.”
Walla Walla studies my face and continues, “You seem like a sharp chick, but you’re contradicting yourself a lot today. First, you’re giving yourself grief over not claiming me years ago. Now, you’re trying to wait even longer. You should just do what’s smart and come with me.”
“And if I’m a cold fish?”
“I’ll warm you up.”
“What if you can’t?”
“Well, then, I won’t be able to do it in six months, either. But imagine if I can get you toasty between the sheets,” he says, causing my cheeks to blush. “We’ll have spent those six months together rather than apart.”
“I’m afraid it won’t work out, and I’ll lose my dream.”
