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“You’re giving up everything for him.”
“He’s offering me a chance at a happiness I can’t find without him.”
“Tell me why?”
“Why are we friends, even though we’re so different?” I ask and hold her hand. “I wasn’t so timid when we first got close. Why didn’t you pull away after I came back from Canary Basin all messed up?”
“You’re the only person I’ve ever been able to rely on. I’ve always felt safe being me around you. Our friendship didn’t happen because you’re wild about horses or we like the same music. We clicked deep inside,” Coco says and nods. “Is that how you think Walla Walla clicks with you?”
“No other man has ever interested me enough for a second date. For Walla Walla, I was willing to travel away from my home and potentially start over.”
Coco gives me a weird look. “You know you’d be happier at home. There’d be less fear and crying. This constant panic is because you’re out of your comfort zone. The easiest way to feel better is to go home.”
“But Walla Walla isn’t there.”
“Why can’t he move to where you live? It’s like you’re giving up everything while he’s sacrificing nothing.”
“I know it seems that way. From the outside, nothing is terrible about my life in Banta City,” I reply and try to explain my reasoning. “But I had a dream. Those men didn’t just hurt Hunter and me physically. I lost my dream because of them. I never had the courage to reclaim what I lost. Then, Walla Walla appeared in my life, and I knew this was my second, and likely last, chance.”
“I know you want this, but I’m not sure you should,” Coco says, cradling my hand. “Walla Walla is a dream to you. I’m not sure the real person will be enough.”
“One reason I never got up the courage to take a vacation here and try to meet him was I figured I was too crazy for him to want. Yet, he’s seen me at my worst and hasn’t walked away.”
“Have you seen him at his worst? I just worry you’re not viewing him as a person. He’s a dream in your head. And I’m afraid you’ll build a clinic here, have a kid, and settle into his life, only to realize you were in love with a fantasy. Then, knowing your inability to put blame on anyone else, you’ll punish yourself by staying with him.”
Coco’s blunt truth leaves me unsettled. What if she’s right and I’m falling for the Walla Walla in my head rather the real man?
“I don’t know the answer.”
“Me, either. About you and Walla Walla or about me and Goose.”
Looking around the room, I hear Suzanne’s voice in my head. “My mom said I should stay here for a few days. Don’t push myself. Just decompress. I think that’s what we should do. We should allow ourselves to deal with what happened, how the clinic is gone, and our future isn’t clear. We can also see what Walla Walla and Goose are like in their element. In a week, things will be clearer. We’ll sit down here and have this conversation again to see where we’re at, okay?”
Coco’s shoulders sag immediately. She seems tired and allows herself to get emotional.
“I didn’t grow up easy. You know I struggled, so I thought the key was just being tough and ignore my baggage. I couldn’t really understand how you let something that happened so long ago color your current life. You seemed successful to me. You went to school, had a business, men were interested, yet you hid away at home with your mom. I didn’t get it.”
Crying, Coco looks around. “Except now, I keep feeling as if I’m back in the clinic. I constantly hear the clinic’s alarm going off. I feel myself getting scared when I’m about to exit a room. I keep thinking someone is waiting to hurt me on the other side. I know it’s only been a few days. But I understand now why you get yanked back into that bad time.”
Wrapping my arms around her, I struggle against my guilt. “I’m sorry you were put in that situation.”
“Your dad collects bad people. He can’t control them. They hurt you years ago. This new batch nearly killed us. I don’t know what’s wrong with Urick for him to make those choices. I do know you aren’t to blame. You’re not as weak as you think, either.”
Coco wipes away her tears and dabs the ones on my cheeks. “When they started shooting at the clinic, you grabbed me and moved toward the back. I thought we were going to run. Just go screaming out the back door. I never considered anyone might be waiting for us there. I just wanted to escape.”
Scooting closer, Coco tenses with thoughts from that day. “Then, you went for the cats. I couldn’t leave you, but I thought you’d gone crazy. As if you weren’t seeing how dangerous the situation was. I was panicking while you remained calm and determined.”
Coco looks around the room and sighs. “I believe you’re capable of starting over here. You’re more like Suzanne than you realize.”
I smile at her compliment. If Suzanne wanted a man, she’d face whatever obstacles to make it happen. She moved to Canary Basin to be with Urick. When her heart turned on him, she packed up and left. There’s freedom in having a strong personality and a big bank account. I can only currently claim to possess one of those things.
However, I do remember how resolute I was when the men attacked the clinic and I wanted to save those cats. Nothing else filtered through my thoughts. If I can tap into similar stubborn thinking with Walla Walla, I’ll finally know if I’m falling for a fantasy or the real deal.
MARTIN
Though I’ve never been a particularly paranoid person, I get a prickly unease when Austen spends nearly an hour with Coco in the pool room. I feel like they’re plotting to leave. The last week comes crashing down on my shoulders, leaving me to rethink every damn decision I’ve made.
I sit on the back deck and consider how close my people came to dying. The Steel Berserkers were nearly destroyed after ruling over McMurdo Valley for decades. Not by a major player or an old enemy, either. It was just a bunch of fucking nobodies.
