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Mack rubs the back of his neck. “Nothing you say or do can change the will situation. He’s not in his right mind to do anything legally. Peter’s basically running things. I thought to reach out to you a while ago, but I worried it might kick up legal trouble. With Urick not having much time left, Peter pitching a fit now won’t matter.”
My mouth twists into a pout despite my every attempt to remain calm. Tears burn my eyes. “I loved him so much, but he wasn’t the man I thought.”
“You put your dad on a pedestal,” Mack says softly. “When in his element, Urick can seem larger than life. As a child, you only saw him at his best. The man doesn’t deserve to be on any pedestals, but he does love you. I know he fucked up. There’s no getting around how you suffered. Except he did, too. I saw his pain up close.”
Mack seems to notice movement inside the lodge. His body language shifts, and he gets more formal.
“I’m not saying you ought to forgive him. I think what happened ruined a lot of things. I don’t know if they can be mended now. I do know if you have any interest in telling your dad goodbye, you’ve got to make that choice now. Urick won’t be around in a month.”
My breath hitches as I’m both hit with grief and the pressure to instantly deal with all my baggage.
“I’ll share one more thing before I let you be,” Mack says, glancing over his shoulder and clearly worrying we’ll be interrupted. “Urick isn’t the man you remember. He’s a frail, old man, clinging to life. I think he’s scared to die. Or he’s got unfinished business he can’t let go of. But he can’t hold on for much longer. Watching Erik get shot and nearly die was too much. He might not like his boys, but he loves them. Seeing Erik whimpering like a baby just about did your dad in. So, if you do go see him, I want you to be ready for what you’ll find.”
I thank Mack, knowing we’re about to have visitors. The back door opens, and Tomcat appears. He claims he’s only checking on us, yet I sense he hopes to intimidate Mack into leaving. The older man gets the message and goes without any macho behavior. Tomcat seems disappointed over how easily it all went.
“Are you okay?” Tomcat asks me. “Walla Walla is on his way back.”
Needing to center myself, I just nod and hurry inside. Coco can help me make sense of my conflicting feelings.
I’m on a time limit with Urick. A part of me wants to see him. I feel like I’m setting myself up for regrets otherwise. I don’t want to start my new life with so much pain on my shoulders.
However, I’m terrified about coming face to face with the first man I ever loved.
MARTIN
My clenched jaw hurts by the time I finish racing back to the Pigsty. Tension ripples through me. My heart races. I’m certain we’re under attack.
Mostly, I feel weak. I promised to protect Austen if she came with me to McMurdo Valley. Yet, when Urick’s man shows up, I’m not around to do shit.
After rushing inside the Pigsty and getting an update from Tomcat, I find Austen in Coco’s room. She’s been crying. I don’t think she’s said much to Coco, though, since the other woman seems confused.
“Who was that man?” Coco asks me.
“Urick’s right hand.”
Coco strokes Austen’s back. My woman isn’t currently crying. She’s just staring at her hands before finally lifting her gaze to me.
“I want to see Urick before he dies. I know that’s what Doctor Elway would suggest. It’s what my mom would do if she were me. It’s also what I want deep down. But I’m scared to see him and to feel pain.”
Her words leave me a little stumped. I always figured she could avoid Urick. She said from the very beginning how she didn’t want to see him. No, she claimed she literally couldn’t see him, as if the very act would break her.
“What did Mack tell you?”
“Urick doesn’t have much time left. He said a month at the most.”
“Why do you need to see him?” Coco asks, putting words to what I’m thinking.
“I love him,” Austen says, seeming exhausted. “I never stopped. But I used to admire him. I didn’t think of him as complicated. I just saw a great man, and he’s not one. Now, I think maybe I can see him clearly. It could be good for me to face that fact. If he weren’t so sick, I’d wait until I was settled in my new life. Yet, if he dies tonight, I’ll be left with unresolved feelings. I can’t wait.”
As my panic eases, I hear what Austen is saying. She doesn’t want to visit Urick for his benefit. Her goal is her own long-term health.
I’m still hesitant with her choice. If my dad asked me to visit him on his death bed, I wouldn’t go. I often claim I’d show up and act like an asshole just to mess with him. But my time has value, and I wouldn’t waste it on a man I dislike so much.
Of course, Austen isn’t me. She liked her father for most of her life. He was a great man in her young, slightly delusional eyes. Living away from him allowed Austen to put him beyond reproach.
Her entire way of viewing her parents is really fucking alien to me. A year ago, I spotted my mom in passing and instantly rolled my eyes. I find her so ridiculous.
Underneath my disdain for her, I also nurse a grudge over the trapped, abused child I used to be. Little Martin didn’t want the moon. He only asked to laugh and enjoy life. My parents never once made me feel loved.
