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Recalling how invigorated I felt when I woke this morning, I glance at Walla Walla. His T-shirt clings to his muscled body. I notice a small tear around the knee of his denim jeans. His hair is tied back at his nape, revealing the handsome face of the man I love.
Shaking my head, I insist, “You should have fun with Goose.”
“Are you sure?”
“You’ve worked your entire life to be happy. Now, you’ve stumbled on to this complicated, sexy woman. I don’t want you getting distracted from having fun.”
Coco blinks a few times, seeming thrown off by my words. She’s seen me at my rowdy best and my meekest worst. Few people could love both sides of me, yet Coco never bailed.
Right now, I push her like I’m pushing myself. We have a chance to build something new. The only things holding us back our own fears.
I continue to think positively through breakfast and lunch. I walk outside with Walla Walla and talk about the club wives. He quizzes me on their names and what kid belongs to which woman.
I know he’s distracting me from thinking about Urick. Walla Walla wants me to remember how the world is bigger than my dying father and painful past.
We are on the same page until the SUV takes the Canary Basin exit. This town hasn’t changed much in the last dozen years. I recognize houses, businesses, and golden land.
Memories wash over me. I see myself in the passenger seat of my dad’s truck when he’d drive back from the airport after picking me up. He seemed larger than life, always wearing his cowboy hat. I recall the wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled. He feels close enough to touch. Yet, that man is long gone.
We’re a mile from the ranch when I suddenly can’t breathe. I’m once again that terrified teenager fleeing this place. I don’t see Urick next to me, but Hunter with her broken nose and black eyes. I feel my battered and violated body.
I’m no longer the woman claiming her dream, but the girl with a head full of shattered hopes.
Walla Walla pulls the SUV to the side of the road and lets it idle. His hand is on my back as I lean forward and hide from my past. I get my breathing under control, using Doctor Elway’s tricks. I’m still a grown woman, and I haven’t forgotten how to stand on my own.
However, the past drags me back to a time when I was shattered and refused to pick up the pieces.
“I can’t do this,” I moan, hiding under my hair and wanting to disappear.
“What are you afraid will happen?”
Walla Walla’s voice immediately breaks through my bitter panic. Breathing easier, I mumble, “I don’t know.”
“I think you do, Austen. You’re smarter about these things than me, and you know the answer.”
“I’m going to forgive Urick,” I whimper and peek at Walla Walla. “He was my first love. I adored my father. We talked nearly every day when I was away from him. Just for a minute, just to check in.”
“He’s dying. Maybe it’s okay to forgive him.”
“No, not after Hunter got hurt. She was so young and trusted me.”
Walla Walla scratches at his jaw “I don’t know the answers. But your sister seemed strong and happy when I met her. Maybe I read her wrong, but she wasn’t destroyed by what happened.”
Hunter’s smiling face flashes in my mind. “She plays the drums in a band,” I mumble and offer him a weak smile. “She does improv and local plays. Hunter is strong and happy.”
“Then, what’s holding you back?”
“Forgiving him feels wrong,” I explain, suffering tremendous guilt about loving my father. “I knew if I talked to him all these years, I’d forgive him. That’s why I cut off all contact.”
“So maybe the statute of limitations has passed here.”
“Forgiving him feels like I’m betraying Hunter.”
“I didn’t mean you should forgive him. You’ve sentenced yourself to suffer over what happened. Maybe it’s time to free yourself from that guilt and accept you were a kid who did her best.”
For all these years, the Hunter in my mind has remained the same teenager with the busted nose from that night. They violated her body and mind. She lost a part of herself.
However, the real Hunter doesn’t hide away. She runs with wild people and draws attention to herself. My sister deserves to be seen as more than a broken victim demanding my perpetual guilt.
