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“You good?” Tarek asks.
“I don’t know, brother. I’ve never had to say goodbye,” I tell him.
“Just a few days, right?”
“Yeah, but then what? After that, what?” I glance over at him, but he doesn’t know what to say either. This is harder than I thought it was going to be. I didn’t think I’d get attached to her.
“I don’t know, Ridge. Make it work, brother. If you really care, you’ll make it work,” he tells me.
“Not that fuckin’ easy, and you know it,” I remind him.
“You’re right. But what the fuck is easy anyway? That’s just gonna make you work harder, yeah?” Maybe he’s right. I don’t fucking know anymore. I pull out my cigarettes and the lighter she gave me and light one up.
“You thinkin’ about a transfer?”
“Why would you ask me that?” I say, looking over at him now.
“Just askin’. You’d be closer to her,” he replies.
“I don’t know, Tarek. This is my home, and I don’t see leavin’ it.”
“Not even for her?”
“Fuck, brother. I don’t know.”
“That’s the issue. You don’t know. Is she worth transferin’ out there?” he asks me. That’s an easy answer. Of course she is, but this is my life. These are my brothers.
“You’re my family. I don’t just walk away from family, Tarek.”
“Wouldn’t be walkin’ away now, would it? You’d be an Ace over there, too.”
“I don’t know, man. It’s not that easy for me. I don’t see me leavin’ here.”
“But you don’t see not havin’ her either, yeah?”
“Exactly. And I can’t ask her to quit her job and be with me. She’s got contracts and shit,” I tell him. Not that I’d ever ask her to do that, to begin with; I wouldn’t. I know she likes what she does, but I also know it wasn’t the life she wanted.
“You think she would?”
“I don’t know. It’s her life, Tarek. I can’t ask her to give that up anyway. I just … I just need to figure this shit out,” I tell him.
“I hear you, brother. Take it one day at a time. It’ll work itself out.” I nod my head and watch as he walks back inside while I finish my smoke, watching the snow as it falls.
I find myself wondering what California would be like. The weather is always nice, from what I hear, and there is no fucking snow. Not like here. But could I leave all this behind? Could I walk away from the men who gave me this life? I don’t think I could, but at the same time, I can’t picture myself without her either. I want her.
I finish my cigarette and walk back inside, stomping my boots at the door to get the snow off. Then I walk over to the bar and grab a drink, no, three drinks. I down them quickly and set the glasses back on the bar, watching Linda, one of the club girls, as she refills them and slides them back over to me. I nod my thanks and down another one.
“You tryin’ to get shit-faced?”
“I might be.”
“She gone?” Cage asks.
“Yeah, she’s gone.”
“You didn’t tie her to the bed?” he asks.
“Thought about it. She has a life, though,” I tell him. I don’t want to keep talking about this so I change the subject. “We have any runs comin’ up?”
