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Dean lifts his hand, cupping and feeling it for himself. “Baby awake?” he asks.
I nod my head. “Awake and apparently wanting to start their own football team.”
“Come on. Let’s go see what they’ve found now.” His hand on my back guides me to Jess.
She shows us some contraption designed to suck the milk from me. “It looks like something a cow would use.” I sound so deflated, having enjoyed this so much when we started. Being here with Dean, my mum, Jess. It’s so thoughtful of him. Now it’s clouded. Overshadowed. “Sorry. Headache.” I rub my temple, definitely feeling one coming.
“Coffee?” Mum suggests.
“Yes. We can come back after a break,” Jess points out.
At this stage, I don’t care what we choose. I know Dean liked everything I liked. He won’t worry for colour or size; he’ll just want me happy. My heart sinks. He’s here, but really he’s not. His mind is far away. Distracted by the something he’s not telling me.
“Yeah. That sounds good,” I say flatly.
“You ladies go.”
My eyes suddenly dart to his. He’s leaving? My hand tightens around the strap of my bag.
“I need to step out. I’ll meet you in a few hours.” He nods at Jess like she knows the drill. What the actual fuck is happening?
Another kick from the baby is like a pipe bursting. I drop my head, the tears hijacking me. Damn myself for not controlling it. And damn him for making me feel like this.
“Right. I’ll just grab these few bits,” Mum says, not noticing me crying. She walks off, and Jess follows.
“Babe?”
I sniff. “Don’tbabeme, Dean.” I wipe underneath my eyes.
His face falls. Those heartbreaker greens glint with their own sadness at seeing me upset. He said from the moment I wake up to the moment he takes me to bed.
“Where are you going?”
He lets out a breath, taking a step closer to me. “I need to see someone.”
“Now?” I interrupt him.
“Yes. Now,” he says with conviction, throwing the shoes on the nearest shelf. It startles me. He’s serious. I don’t hear that tone often, only with the guys. He doesn’t want to be questioned. Well too bad for him. “I know this is messed up, Mads. When I can, you will know what you need to know, but right now is not the time.”
I want to slap him. “Right. So when will it be a good time to tell me? The next time you get arrested? When someone comes after you? When you nextkillsomeone?” My voice is far too loud for where we are, but I can’t control it.
Dean takes my elbow, clearly thinking the same thing. He pulls me outside, turning me to look at him, pressing my back against the wall. Lines crease his face. His teeth grind. “Do you think I’d do anything to jeopardise you or my child?” I don’t reply. I know he wouldn’t. But he would himself. “Everything I have to do next is for you. For my kid.” His face is in front of mine as he forces out his words, his body dipped so we’re level. I watch his temple twitch, feel his warm breath hit my face in short, sharp bursts. His frustration, clearly spiking.
I frown at him, wishing we were so far away from this life. That he wouldn’thaveto do anything next for me.
“I know this is hard, but I have to make tough decisions and take responsibility for our life together. The one we fucking deserve, Mads.” He slides his hand against my cheek, standing straight.
I raise my chin, his touch immediately dampening my temper. “The goal posts keep shifting for us,” I tell him.
He presses his head to mine with a sigh. “I know. But please, hold on for me.”
I swallow hard when he pulls back, giving him the best look of understanding I can muster. From the very first kiss, I’ve been losing my mind for this man. I don’t want him to go. “Stay herewith me.” In a desperate attempt to keep him here and away from anything that might be dangerous, I grip his arms, pulling him closer.
He sighs, dropping his head.
I’m powerless. It’s not enough.
Dean kisses my head. “I’ll meet you at the hotel.”
