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Chapter Twenty-Two
MADISON
Six weeks later
I’ve been learning to live without him. Breathing without my air. Walking with no direction. One day everything we wanted was in the palms of our hands. Then, without so much as a look over its shoulder, time spread its wings and flew away. The world was no longer ours.
I don’t dream anymore either. Nightmares. I have those. Nightmares about the birth going wrong. Nightmares about the baby coming too soon. About the baby not knowing it’s father.
Apparently it’s normal, but now at twenty-eight weeks pregnant I haven’t slept well for just over a month. I want to; my body craves the rest. But my brain feels like a murky, over-filled bathtub. I’m desperate to pull the plug before I drown.
I won’t hold it together forever. I know it in the deepest part of my body. And as ashamed as I am to admit that, I also feel glad that now I can.
Those first few weeks after seeing him, I came home with a renewed sense of purpose. I worked hard; keeping busy with overcoming the restructure, managing to keep all of our jobs. I had an injection of life to keep moving forward and to live for him.
But without Dean by my side, the days are getting harder.Lonely nights are getting longer. Dull days, duller. I’ve filled my time busying myself around the club, and whilst it feels like a home away from home, he’s still not here. To the outside world, I am me. But on the inside, a hollowness has taken form. A giant void now separates me from everybody else. Maybe it’s survival? Maybe it’s instinct. I don’t know.
What I doknow—what I’ve come to realise in days gone by, is that I’m incomplete. And whilst I have purpose, there’s no direction.
Waiting in the car for Lauren, I hold my phone in my hand. No matter how many times I remind myself he won’t be texting me, I still type out a message, hitting send whilst holding my breath.
Me: Come back to me
I stare at the screen like he could reply any minute. It’s a ridiculous form of self-torture, but I can’t stop.
We’ve spoken when he’s called. But he’s the one person I can’t hide the truth from. He sees me so clearly. I see him. The last time we spoke, he knew. He knew my strength was dwindling. My ability to live in the not so normal world I now live in, dissipating.
In my mind’s eye I could see him. The way he asked how the baby was but couldn’t finish his sentence. The way he told me he loved me, but had to steel every drop of resolve he could find before he broke. Transparent.
The car door opens, and Lauren slides in. “Hey,” she says happily, dragging me from my head. She dumps her bag in the footwell, and I smile at her.
“Good day?” My tone is flat. Always flat.
“You talk like we didn’t see each other three times already.” Her voice rings with a cheer that’s new. I look at her, noticing her beaming from ear to ear. Pulling out her phone, her thumbs starttapping the screen as she sits back in her seat.
Idly, I watch her. “What?” She doesn’t raise her head or move her eyes, but she can feel me looking at her.
I tuck the stray strand of hair behind her ear. “Nothing,” I say.
Lauren huffs but smiles at the same time. “Just tell me,” she says quietly, her fingers still rapping.
Dropping my phone in the centre console, I push the key into the ignition. “You already know.” I stare ahead starting the engine, moving the gear stick into first.
Lauren rests her hand on top of mine gently. “I’m proud of you too.”
I look to her, then she holds out her fist. I lift mine to hers, and we bump with no more words exchanged. Truth be told, I’m beyond proud of her.
She’s back in school, much to everyone’s surprise. None more so than her. We had meeting after meeting, phone call after phone call. Finally, after applying for her place at college, she’s now focused and back in education after almost six months. Catching up will be a mammoth task, but if any kid is able to do it, it’s her. And she won’t be alone.
Alone.The word drips like a broken tap, dousing the flicker of happiness that skips through me.
Twenty minutes later, we pull up at the local shops. “What we having tonight?” Lauren walks around the car as she asks.
“What about that Risotto I made last time?”
Holding her hand to her face, Lauren pretend vomits in her mouth.
“Really?” I hold my hand to my chest as if pained by her actions.
