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"Thank you for taking care of me, babe," he said, while running his right hand down my back.
I could feel my heart hammering against my rib cage,the vibration seeping through my sternum. I wanted to get out of the room; I also wanted to stay in his arms. I needed space to breathe; I didn't want him to let go. I felt helpless. I felt that my heart, my mind, and my body were no longer mine. He had no idea how jumbled my thoughts and feelings were.
I hugged him back and tried to sound as normal as possible, "You're welcome. Now, take your medicine and don't push yourself so hard forthe next two to three days."
"Yes, coach knows I've been sick. He actually told me to rest up. Our firstgame this year’s in 4 days."
"K," Ikissed him on his left cheek.
He held my handand he walked me to my car. As I drove away, I took in big gulps of air.
Overthe next few weeks, when Zander and I saw each other, I acted like my normal self. I didn't want him to think that anything was different. I laughed at his jokes the way I normally did. I hugged him the way I normally did. I attended his home games the way I have been doing.
I didn't think he noticed that anything was different. We were at a coffee shop one afternoon when he said, "Is everything ok, Sedona?"
"Yeah. Why?” I asked. It was a good thing I was reading a book when he asked that so he couldn't see my eyes. I glanced at him for a second and turned myattention back to my book.
"Just wondering, you seem different."
"Different? Like how?" I inquired.
"I don’t know. Just kind of different," his eyes were probing me, but I was still looking at my book.
"Hmm, just busy with grad stuff." I was trying to change the subject.
"True. Everything's just crazy, huh?" he took the bait.
"Yup."
"So have you thought of what you're going to be doingafter graduation?" he asked.
"Haven't really decided yet. I don’t know. I'm just trying to my thesis, clinicals, and all these things." Irritation lined my voice. Why he was bringing up after graduation when he knows that I've been so busy with all the things I'm doing right now? I just wanted to focus on my thesis right now.
"Hey, hey, settle down. I was just asking. Graduation's only a few months away so I thought you were kind of thinking about what you want to do," he said, as he adjusted his baseball cap and patted my hair playfully.
"Ok," I replied.
*****
Getting close to graduation meant getting busy with school work, clinicals, and internships for me. For Zander, it meant getting ready for the draft, schoolwork, more football games, and practices.
In the months leading up to graduation, we found ourselves extremely busy. We went days without seeing each other. We were both struggling to find time for each other. We texted each other during the day and we were both so tired at night. We also found less and less time with each other. There were times when I'd be in class and I thought we were drifting apart. In a way, I was relieved because I didn’t have to mask my feelings or think about them if Zander was around. I talked to Nalee and Tanya about it and they both said that maybe it was because we were so busy. Even Kieran was so busy with his swimming engagements and school responsibilities that Ionly saw him twice a week.
I couldn'twait for graduation to come.
About a month before graduation, what started out as a great day ended up to be the worst day of my life at CSUF.
Saturday. The only day when both of our schedules were clear after a long time.
He picked me up at 9:30 in the morning so we could visit some wineries in Napa Valley. Napa was about an hour and a half away from us.
We spent the wholeday tasting wines. I loved wine. But that day, my stomach felt queasy so I only tasted a few. Zander also loved wine so he drank all of his and mine.
I knew he missed me as much as I missed him. He kept me close to him the whole day.While he drove, I found myself staring at him quite a few times and reminded myself how lucky I was to be with him. He was all I could ever ask for in a boyfriend.
I caught him staring at me a few times too. I felt that he was holding something back. He'd smile at me but his smiles never reached his eyes.
We were in a winery when I asked him, "Is there something bugging you, babe?"
