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He walked out of the bedroom again and at this time, I was getting angry. I didn't know what he was thinking but it seemed like he was really mad at something. Was itme? Was it something I said?
When I reached the living room area, he was pacing back and forth.
"Zander, what's wrong?" I asked again.
"If you have to ask me Sedona, then maybe you really don't know me at all!" he yelled in loud, clipped tones.
My ears started ringing. I was getting furious.
"What the hell, Zander? I don't know what you're trying to tell me." My voice was getting louder too.
He lookedat me with fury in his eyes.
"You honestly don't know! Fuck! Ms. 4.0 GPA, is it such a simple thing that you don't even bother to think about what's wrong?!" hisvoice was almost screaming.
"What is your problem?! What the hell are you talking about?" I was gesturing with both my hands now.
"If I had to spell it out for you, then obviously it doesn't even matter to you," his voice was lower, but filled with anger.
"You're confusing! One minute we're having a great time, the next minute you're mad at me. This is stupid!" I yelled back at him.
"Yeah?! Maybe I'm fucking stupid! For thinking that you and I - that our relationship meant anything toyou!" he replied furiously.
"What the hell does that mean?!" I was really angrynow, I felt myself shaking.
He pointed his fingers to the ground and said, "This. Our relationship means the fucking world to me. When I fucking make plans, I don't just think of myself! Iinclude you. I include us."
"Are you telling me that I don't thinkof us when I make plans?!"
"You know you don't! New York, Chicago, L.A.! Where does that leave me? Where does that leave us! I'm going to Minnesota for God knows how long and you, you want to be so fucking far away from me!" Now,he pointed the finger at me.
Two months ago, I learned he was going to Minnesota. He was going to be the #1 pick in the draft and there was a 99.9% that the Minnesota Fox would pick him. I honestly did not consider going to Minnesota. I had my plans all lined up from the start, before him. I knew which hospitals I wanted to do my internships with and which hospitals I wanted to work for. None of them were in Minnesota. Zander had a point, I was just thinking of myself.
I couldn't say anything. He was right. I thought that maybe we could try the long-distance thing. That I could travel back and forth to wherever he was. I wasn't thinking of the long-term.
I couldn't respond to what he said.
The silence was deafening. He looked at me, his eyes were still furious, his voice cold, "I’m right, aren’t I? You weren't even thinking of us. What did you actually think? After graduation, we'd simply pack up and say goodbye?"
I didn't answer.
"Maybe, this is easier. We shouldn't wait for graduation. Weshould just end this now."
I was dumbfounded. Did he just breakup with me?
I could not comprehend how everything went from being so great to nothing at all. All I remembered was him dropping me off at my apartment and his car careening out of there when I reached the door.
Zander
The hardest part was not the fighting.
It was the leaving.
It was a painful struggle tonottake my words back.
The look in her eyes when I said, “Maybe this is easier…we should just end this now,” literally took every ounce of control that I had not to take it back.
She was the center of my universe. Now, the center was gone. I was floating in a myriad of emptiness - an endless, all-consuming black hole.
