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Sedona
For thefirst few days, I was numb.
I took all my exams, went to clinicals, and went to the gym.
I told Nalee and Tanya what happened and they both felt really sorry for me. The odd thing was, I didn't even cry. It was as if I was experiencing an out-of-body experience and I removed myself from the emotions.In the rare moments that I allowed myself to feel, I felt everything. The emptiness of not having him to talk to. The loss of his laughter and smiles. The gripping uncertainty of how I would be able to go on without him. My life was fine before him. Without him, my life would never be the same.
I tried to push myself to think that at least I could go on my planned path; my 3 P’s and 5 D’s were still there. What was missing was my drive. For some reason, my plans were getting tangled in my emotions. The thought of calling him, reaching out to him, consumed me. It was often these thoughts that accompanied my restless sleep.
Kieran and I were swimming when I felt the first wave of nausea. I thought that the chlorine smelled so strong that day. Kieran said it smelled the same as it always did – chlorine. I felt a lot better once I got out of the pool.
I told Kieran about what happened with Zander and I. He didn't offer any opinions. He just listened. One of the many great things about him was that he didn’t judge. He just listened and let me figure it out.
The second wave of nausea came, a week and a half after our breakup. I was studying for a nursing exam in my apartment. Kieran brought me my favorite Kung Pao Chicken from Good Food Chinese.
My stomach was growling when he got there. He set the take-out Chinese boxes on the kitchen table. I smelled the food from my bedroom but the smell was a lot stronger in the kitchen. I didn't even make it to the kitchen. I started throwing up in the outside bathroom.
After I was done throwing up, Kieranwas so worried that he drove me to the clinic that day.
He said, "You're not yourself. You're nauseous and now you're throwing up. Youhave a bad case of stomach flu or something."
At the clinic,an older, Caucasian lady with kind eyes introduced herself as Dr. Hayes. She ordered blood work and urine test. We waited for about 2 hours. Kieran waited with me in the waiting room.
Finally, the nurse called me to see the doctor.
Dr. Hayes asked me again how I was feeling and what I was going through.
I told her that I've been stressed a lot lately since I was going through my clinicals, thesis, and exams.
When I was done telling her about me, she said, "Well, congratulations, Ms. McKenzie, you're going to be a great nurse,” She smiled and followed it up with, “I'm sure you'll be a great mom."
Mom?! The four walls of the tiny room caved in on me. I felt hot and cold at the same time. My heart was beating rapidly and my hands felt clammy.
"I'm sorry, Doctor. There must be a mistake. I'm not pregnant. I'mtaking birth control pills."
"Well, yoururine test is positive and your blood tests say you’re definitely pregnant," she said.
I tried to count back to my last period. I was so irregularand I have been so busy that I could not trace back when I had my last period. I asked her if I could look at my phone.
There it was. My last period was…moretwo months ago.
"I'm taking birth control pills." I still couldn't believe it. Looking back, the symptoms that I had been feeling for the past, few weeks were most likely pregnancy symptoms.
"Well, birth control pills do protect you from pregnancy. But if you're not taking them regularly or they're low dose or it could just be that you're in 0.01 percent who gets pregnant whiletaking birth control pills."
The doctor asked me if I had any questions. I wanted to say "Yes, I have a million questions." I stopped myself and thanked her.
The nurse scheduled me for subsequent visits butI informed her that I was graduating so I would be doing most of my follow-up visits with my own doctor.
Kieran saw me first when Igot out of the clinic door.
"Hey, Ace, so what did the doctor say? You got an infection or something?"
I shook my head. I wished it was that easy.
I was silent until we got into his car and tears started falling out.
"I'm pregnant." I said it so softly.
