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"Mrs. Hudson," he said formally, nodding to her as he sat on the rolling stool. "Tell me what's going on."
"My mother brought me in," Ruby admitted in a small voice.
"She did indeed." Dr. Angelo watched Ruby with a steady gaze, waiting for more. It was then that Ruby realized her mother must have dated Dr. Angelo. Of course she had. But was it allowed for a doctor to date a patient? Or maybe they'd metsomewhere, dated, and then parted amicably so that Patty could be seen by Dr. Angelo—or perhaps the other way around? Ruby's mind nearly ran away with the possibilities.
"I had a baby a few months ago and I'm really struggling." It was harder to admit than Ruby would have imagined. "Today I was crying in the bathtub with my clothes on."
"Tell me more," Dr. Angelo said, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled kindly. He crossed his legs and rested one arm on his thigh. "I'm listening."
To Ruby, this felt like the first time someone had trulylistenedto her in a long time. Sure, her mother was there to help with the baby, but the notion that someone wanted to give her their full attention while she explained how she'd been feeling was so overwhelming that she immediately burst into tears.
Dr. Angelo grabbed a box of tissue from the counter and wheeled himself over to where Ruby was sitting, handing her the box. He wheeled right back to where he'd been, putting a professional amount of space between them as he waited.
"I'm worried I'm going to die. Or that my baby will be disappointed in me because I'm not a strong enough role model for her. I'm worried my husband and I will never truly be in love again. I can't stop crying. Sometimes I don't sleep all night even if the baby does sleep. There are days when I look around and everything seems...gray," Ruby said, pulling first one, then another tissue from the box. She blew her nose loudly and Dr. Angelo waited. "I want things to be in color again. I never again want to look at a bathtub in the middle of the afternoon and think that laying down in it with towels piled on top of me is a good way to hide from the world."
"Okay," Dr. Angelo said. "I'm hearing some things that, to me, sound like you're bottoming out mood-wise. We could correct that right off the bat with an SSRI--a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor, or, in less formal terms, an anti-depressant--and it would elevate your mood a bit. Beyond that, I think that some talk therapy might be in order."
Ruby sniffled into her tissue. "Talk therapy?" she asked, looking up at Dr. Angelo. "Is that because we're in California?"
He laughed at this. "Well, it does sound rather New-Agey, doesn't it? But talk therapy is widely accepted as a good way to treat postpartum depression. I'd like you to consider it as a way to work through some of your bigger fears about motherhood, death, and your marriage, but I can write you a prescription today and get you feeling less like napping in a bathtub. How does that sound?"
Ruby nodded. "That honestly sounds amazing. I think if I can start to feel like myself, then I can probably begin to address some of my bigger, darker thoughts."
"You got it." Dr. Angelo pointed a finger in the air like he'd struck gold, then pulled a prescription pad from the front pocket of his white coat and scribbled on it, ripping the page off with a flourish and handing it to Ruby. "Voila."
Being on antidepressants was something Ruby had never wanted to do--nor had she ever had any need to--but there was something about being in charge of a newborn human and needing to be her best self for Athena that made her willing to do plenty of things she'd never considered, like moving across country for a month, like holding Jack at arms' length while she figured out her feelings, like ignoring the extra twenty pounds that were still clinging to her hips and thighs for dear life. But she was doing everything she could to feel solid, strong, and focused for her baby. She had to.
Ruby got liberal amounts of sun each day as she walked Athena around her mother's quiet neighborhood, and each afternoon they went to the beach with the baby strapped to Ruby's chest, walking from the pier, down the beach, and up to Patty's favorite Mexican restaurant that opened onto the sand.They stopped there every afternoon just before five o'clock so that Patty could order a margarita as she buried her feet in the sand at a bistro table right off the bar.
On this particular afternoon a week or so into Ruby's taking the antidepressants, she was feeling calm and relaxed, and far more like herself than she had in recent memory. She ordered a Diet Coke with a lemon wedge as they sat at the bar, and adjusted a sleeping Athena so that she was more comfortable. A young waitress with a deep tan and a messy bun dropped off a basket of chips and salsa and moved over to a table of loud men who looked like they'd been fishing all day.
"I invited someone to join us," Patty said, dipping a corn chip into the spicy salsa. "I hope you don't mind."
Ruby ran a hand over Athena's soft head as the baby slept. The panic and sadness that had regularly washed over her since Athena's birth had receded and left a placid curiosity in their place. "Oh? Who?"
"A man I'm seeing."
Patty offered no more than this, and at precisely that moment, a tall, handsome man in his sixties approached the table. He had a swoop of the kind of thick, white hair that made Ruby think he was once blonde and windswept. The man wore a polo shirt and a pair of shorts and was barefoot. He extended a hand to Ruby and she noticed the gold Rolex on his wrist.
"Pleasure to meet you," he said, glancing at Athena as she dozed. "Albert Phillips. Beautiful baby you have there."
Ruby was caught off guard, but not shocked that her mother had a boyfriend. However, given the fact that she'd been staying with Patty for more than a week at that point, she felt ridiculous for not knowing about Albert. Was she really that self-involved that she hadn't even thought to ask her mother about her personal life? Had it not occurred to her at all that her flying inand setting up camp in Patty's Santa Barbara bungalow might interrupt her mom's own life?
"Patty tells me that you're here for an extended stay," Albert said, sitting down in an empty chair at their table. He lifted a hand to signal for the waitress.
"I am," Ruby said. She felt that it would be best to keep her responses friendly but measured at this point. It'd been twenty years since her dad had died, but there was still a small part of her that viewed every man in her mother's life as some sort of competition for her late father. "And my mom has been kind enough to let me move in with her."
"How could she not?" Albert asked with a smile. His teeth were straight and white, and his eyes sparked as he glanced at Patty. "When your daughter wants to visit with a grandchild in tow, is there ever really any answer besides 'yes'?"
"This is my first grandchild, so I'm thrilled," Patty said, beaming at Albert.
Ruby watched them as she rubbed her hand absentmindedly over her sleeping daughter's back. There was a charming yet wolfish aspect to Albert that made Ruby feel as though maybe being with him was simply a fun distraction for her mother, but that dating casually in one’s fifties might be more lonely and less exciting than Patty let on. Realization washed over Ruby as she observed their flirtatious back-and-forth: her mother wanted her to see her future if she ever truly decided to go it alone as a single mother. She would have options, certainly. There would be interesting men in her life--perhaps handsome ones. But she'd be on her own. Living without the backup and protection that a husband offered. She might go to bed with a man one night and wake up alone the next morning. There would be no guarantees that she'd have someone to spend holidays with. There might even be compromises: men she'd date simply forsecurity or company; sacrifices she'd make in order to care for her daughter.
"This lady is quite a spark plug," Albert said to Ruby as he winked at Patty. "Would you mind if I took her out tonight?"
"No," Ruby said, surprised. Was she suddenly a teenager and her mom was dating a new man who needed to charm her in order to get to her mom? "I don't mind at all."
Athena woke up then and Ruby stood, excusing herself to take the baby into the ladies' room and change her.
