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June 1, 2000 10:22pm
Dear Jack,
Thank you for the email. Strangely, I found this easier to digest than some of our brief phone calls, which have left me somewhat rattled. Your desperation to have me and Athena home is understandable, but hard to hear. I am aware even without hearing your voice that I am doing you harm, which is not and has never been my intention. This time is very much a departure for me from my true self (at least I hope it is!) and it is my fondest wish that I will wake up one day very soon feeling as I did before the baby was born. Will that come to pass? Time will tell, but I think I'm on the road to that now.
My mother found me one day sobbing in the bathtub (this is not to alarm you, but to keep you informed), and she insisted that I see her doctor, a very nice man named Dr. Angelo. After talking, he put me on a low-dose of antidepressants, and I have to say, Jack, I'm feeling much more like myself. I'm tired, of course, and I'm still afraid I won't be a good mother, but I'm not prone to crying over every change in the wind, which is truly a relief.
I can't offer you much more than this at the moment, but I think you will be pleased to know that I'm doing my best to change how I feel. I'm putting in effort here, and I hope that one day very soon I can bring Athena home and fill the nursery once again with her happy sounds.
With love,
Ruby
"So things improved quickly, then?" Dexter asks now, sitting up on the towel and nudging Ruby with his shoulder as they sit on the beach. "You began to feel good, and you and Jack were able to communicate?"
"Yes," Ruby says. She nods slowly. "In hindsight I'm incredibly grateful to my mother for insisting that I see the doctor that day. Putting it off any longer would have also delayed me from getting my feet back under me, and I honestly don't think I could have spent many more days worrying that I was going to die and leave my baby motherless. I mean, we all worry about those things intermittently and without warning, but to feel myself becoming obsessed with these dark thoughts felt dangerous and all-consuming."
"My cousin suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her quadruplets," Dexter offers. It's all he knows of the condition, and even then, June had been loathe to admit how she was truly feeling. To everyone who knew her, it seemed completely reasonable that a woman who had just birthed four babies and was caring for them around the clock might be feeling a bit low, but when June confided in him much later, she told him how truly dark and horrible it felt to be in the grips of emotions and hormones that wouldn't bounce back to their normal levels.
Ruby looks aghast. "Quadruplets? I can't even imagine..."
"June is a wonder," Dexter says. "My favorite cousin--we're the same age. She and her husband live in Austin with the kids." He pauses and smiles, thinking of his cousin’s four little munchkins. "I talk to her fairly regularly," he says, "in fact, I just checked in with her while I was walking down by the water."
"Oh?" Ruby sounds surprised. "You talk all the time?"
Dexter shrugs. "No, but we do lean on each other a lot for family stuff, life advice, or just to have a friendly ear. It's nice. We’ve always been there for each other.”
"I would imagine."
Dexter nods. “Anyway, she struggled when the babies were born and her husband took her to the doctor pretty early on. She took antidepressants for a while, and I think anyone who needs to access help should be able to do so without judgment.”
Ruby doesn’t say anything for a long moment. “When I gave birth to Harlow a year later I was ready. I knew that I could sink pretty quickly, and I watched myself closely. Fortunately I was better the second time around, which is weird, as having two babies is definitely harder than one, but I think I was more chemically balanced or more prepared or something.”
“Good.” Dexter clears his throat. “But now let’s talk about how you got from where you were to a second baby a year later—how did home come for you?”
“Jack,” Ruby says, turning to look him in the eye. “Jack came for me.”
In the end it was scandal that made him come, but also love. So love and scandal, and Ruby was fine with that. When Jack arrived in Santa Barbara he had two assistants in tow, and while he showed up with a huge bouquet of pink cabbage roses and left the assistants back at the hotel, Ruby could sense that there was an air of distraction to him.
“You,” Jack said, standing in Patty’s living room.
Ruby held Athena to her chest and felt a moment of adjustment as her heart locked in on the fact that her husband was standing before her. She took a beat and waited to see what her own immediate response to his presence was, and to her shock, she found that she felt normal. Weirdly, seeing him and sensing that he had political things on his mind gave her a nudgethat helped her step right back into the role that she’d accepted when she said she’d marry Jack Hudson.
“Hi, Jack,” Ruby said, crossing the room. She tipped her head up to kiss him, as Jack was two or three inches taller than she. He let his lips linger on his wife’s as Athena cooed to herself between them. Without another word, Ruby stepped away and handed the baby to Jack to hold.
“Hello, sweetheart,” he said softly, accepting the bundle that was his daughter and eagerly holding her close to his chest. Ruby watched this with tears in her eyes. There were certainly times when she wasn’t sure whether Jack was a politician or a husband first, but there was never a question in her mind about where he stood on being a father—he adored Athena, and from the happy flail of the baby’s arms, she could tell that father and daughter were thrilled to be reunited.
Ruby left them alone together for a few minutes while she went into the kitchen to get a glass of water, which she drank at the sink, quenching her thirst like she was trying to put out a fire. It was time to put her mother’s advice into action and to make the conscious decision about how things would be going forward. She felt stronger, well-rested, and in control of her own destiny, so now it was time to look at the things she loved about Jack and to remind herself that a partnership took a lot of effort—on both ends.
“She’s grown,” Jack said, coming into the kitchen with Athena in his arms. Ruby put the empty glass in the sink and turned to face him. “She looks so much bigger.”
A soft smile crossed Ruby’s face. “They change a lot in a month. I think everyone does.”
Concern passed over Jack’s handsome features. “Have we changed too much?” he asked hesitantly.
Ruby leaned against the sink and held onto the edge of it with both hands. She gave a little laugh. “In a month? No.” Theylooked at one another for a long, hard moment. Then, in a move that would forever be the bridge that Ruby built between them, solidifying the long years of partnership still ahead of them, she got serious. “Tell me what’s going on. There’s something that brought you here on the spur of the moment, and it wasn’t just the urge to give me roses. I want to hear about it.”
Jack’s shoulders fell so slightly that possibly Ruby was the only person who might have noticed. He looked ready to unburden himself, and to help him, she crossed the kitchen and took Athena from him, freeing her husband to pace and talk.
