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“So, my boy, ‘Wake up and smell the roses,’ as they say. Even if they may one day wilt.”
I kissed my Grandpa on the cheek, thanked him, and decided I needed to go on a walk to think things over.
Chapter 26
Damien
I saw Nikolai walking towards the green house and the rose garden after he’d spoken with his grandfather.
I had a few things I needed to say to Nikolai, too.
The snow had all melted and, despite being the end of January, it was one of those odd winter days that felt infinitely more like spring.
It was a day of clarity, it seemed.
When I reached the back of the greenhouse, I found Nikolai sitting on the ground in his father’s leather jacket, trying to light a cigar. I was shocked.
“Do you smoke?” I asked, sitting myself next to him.
“Maybe,” he said. “Maybe I could learn to.”
He lit the cigar at that moment and took a tug. What followed was an intense coughing fit, which made me roar with laughter. I hit his back, trying to help him get it all out.
“Why would you do that’”
“My father did it, didn’t he?” Nikolai replied.
“I suppose. But is that reason enough?”
“Damien, I think I want to stay here,” Nikolai said. “I think I want to try this mafia life out, at least a bit longer. I feel good here. I feel at home. I feel better than I’ve felt in years.”
I couldn’t believe my own ears. I had wished and dreamed about this but thought it impossible. Especially after the incident with, you know, his grandfather getting kidnapped and nearly killed.
“And I’mgoodat it, right? I mean, I could do this, I think.”
“You’reverygood at it,” I replied, earnestly. Nikolai lit the cigar once more and took another tug. This time, he did not cough. He released the smoke into the air coolly and calmly.
Then, he shaped an “O” with a puff.
“I’ve only ever seen that in movies,” Nikolai said, laughing slightly. He was clearly proud of himself.
And he should have been. Not for blowing an “O,” no, but for how well he’d adapted over these last weeks. For learning this crushing secret about his parents and overcoming the trauma.
For saving his grandfather. For saving me.
And for allowing himself to fall in love, just as I had.
And I just couldn’t resist that any longer.
“Nikolai, I owe you an apology,” I began. “Yes, for what happened with your grandfather, but also for what happened afterwards. I was angry with myself. I was hearing my parents’ taunts. I just felt, well…if I allowed myself to be fully in love with you, I might fail at being a good mafioso and protecting you. When your grandfather was kidnapped, I just felt like…it was one or the other. I was falling for you and I let that cloud my brain. I let myself get distracted.
“But if you’re going to stay here, I have to be totally honest with you. There is no way I can justworkfor you. There is no way I can just be yourfriend. All I can think about is a life with you. All I can think about is kissing you. All I can think about is throwing myself down at your feet and begging for forgiveness if I broke your heart. All I can think about is loving you the way your parents loved each other, the way they even loved me when my own parents wouldn’t.” Nikolai just stared at me with big, blank eyes.
“Nikolai, I am absolutely, head over heels, irreversibly, uncontrollably, illogically in love with you. And if you’re going to stay here, and if you only want to work together, then I’m so sorry, but I’m going to have to leave. I’m going to have to, because—”
Before I knew it, Nikolai’s lips were on mine. Those juicy pieces of his flesh were pressed against my own, like a dream, like pillows caressing my mouth. He licked the tip of his tongue along my lips and wrapped his warm hand around my neck. I could taste the faint scent of that cigar.
“Damien, I am absolutely, head over heels, irreversibly, uncontrollably, illogically in love with you too. I don’t want to be your friend or your Pakhan. I want to be your boyfriend. And one day, I want to be your husband. And I want to run this mafia together. I want to change the world for the better. And I want you to do it with me.”
He pressed his lips into mine again, and I crawled on top of him, digging my tongue into his mouth like I never had before, running my hands through his hair like I never had before, loving that boy like I’d never loved anyone before. I pulled my face away and saw the sparkle in his light blue eyes once more.
We made love right then and there, outside the greenhouse, somewhere between those beautiful poisonous plants and the garden of red roses.
I felt that, finally, I’d found my happiness.
