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Caitlin crossed her arms over her chest to stay warm when a gust of wind came over the ocean. Surfers were out on the water in their wetsuits, either impervious to the cold or great at tolerating it. A few of them laughed as they gathered their boards and ran back into the water, which only heightened her melancholy. Laughter was the last thing on her mind, and there was a lot filling her thoughts.
She needed to figure out when to go home, and as much as she knew she needed to, she couldn’t pin down a date. She missed her daughter, and her daughter missed her. Phone calls weren’t nearly enough and she didn’t want Pearl to feel like she had been abandoned after Caitlin left so abruptly.
But the thought of talking to James about their marriage when so much was still in the air made her chest tight. Being away had given her some rest, but it hadn’t given her the exact kind of clarity she craved.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she checked it. It was James.
“Wow, weird timing,” she murmured to herself, even as her heart pounded. She didn’t want to leave him waiting, so she answered. “Hello?”
“Hi, Caitlin,” James said. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” Hearing his voice made her heart squeeze. “How are you?”
“Fine.”
The silence that stretched between them made Caitlin realize how reflexively she had answered. She had always said she was fine, that everything was great. That was fine with strangers, but James was her husband. Telling him everything was fine even when it wasn’t might have been part of the reason why she was in this mess anyway.
“Actually, I’m not fine,” Caitlin admitted. “I’m not sure how I am and I don’t know when I’m going to come home.”
Tears welled up in Caitlin’s eyes in an instant and spilled over when she heard James let out a breath through his nose.
“Caitlin… you don’t know when you’re going to come home yet?” he asked.
“No. I know I should—I miss Pearl and know you need me. But I don’t feel ready to come back without answers to why I came out here in the first place.” Caitlin took a few deep breaths to get a handle on herself. Her tears chilled her face when the wind hit her skin, so she wiped her face with her knit gloves.
James paused. “Why did you leave in the first place? I thought you were just visiting Alissa.”
“I just feel like our relationship is so stagnant and I can’t stand it. It’s like we’re strangers when we didn’t used to be that way.”
“Ah.” Caitlin knew him so well that she could imagine him raking a hand over his face. “I see that, but things at the restaurant aren’t going to get any less crazy and we can’t work through things if you aren’t home.”
Caitlin wandered along the beach, pulling up her collar against the wind. “I know. I just needed some space. It’s been bothering me for so long and I wasn’t able to clear my head with all of the stuff going on at home.”
Caitlin heard Pearl’s small voice in the background and her heart lurched.
“Pearl is here,” James said. “Do you want to talk to her?”
“Yes, I’d love to.”
James passed the phone to Pearl.
“Mommy?” Pearl asked.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Caitlin said, her voice coming out choked. “How are you?”
“Good! I learned about swamps in school today,” she said. “And about crocodiles, which aren’t the same as alligators.”
“Yeah?” Caitlin clenched her fist in her pocket to keep her emotions in check. “What else did you learn?”
Pearl told her all about what she had been learning in school for the past few days. Caitlin’s watery smile grew. How was Pearl growing up so fast? She was missing her, as much as she knew coming here and figuring out her marriage was going to be good for Pearl in the long run.
Eventually Pearl handed the phone back to James.
“Okay, we’ve got to get going since she has ballet soon,” James said. “Just let me know when you’re coming back, okay?”
“I will.”
Caitlin hung up and put her phone back into her pocket, a few more tears falling down her cheeks.
