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“No one has said those words to me before and meant them.”
What?My stomach bottoms out as I swallow down the acid rising in the back of my throat.No one?
His fingers fidget with the weave on the taupe blanket on the bed.
“I’m not very good at choosing people to share my life with … They’re damaged, I’m damaged. My family … Zach; it wasn’t something that we did, say stuff like this. I’m not sure my parents even knew what lovemeant. Certainly, my dad … well, he didn’t loveanyone. My mom was terrified, and, looking back, she was checked out most of the time. My dad threatened to kill her if she made us ‘soft,’ as he called it. Which is ironic really, considering what he did. Zach and I were close, but we never said anything like that to each other.”
I suck in an uneven breath. He didn’t choose his family. “Perhaps I need to say it a lot more to compensate then.” My smile wobbles.
He pulls me back into a tight hug, pressing shaky lips to my temple.
“You are the most wonderful woman, Kate. I’ll do my best to deserve you.”
I push back, straightening. “I don’t want you to try to be or do anything.” I’m determined to learn from my mistakes with David. Fabian doesn’t have anything to live up to; I have all my own flaws. “You’re an amazing guy. I’m lucky to have you.”
He grins at me, shaking his head.
I’m called in to talk to Neil before I leave. Fabian is tucked up in the intensive care unit being monitored 24–7, staff peppering him with questions, much to his disgust. He is breathing, warm, talking,alive.Something in me is airy and light like I can scale mountains. The shock has receded like a tide, leaving behind a deep pool of calm. That monitor trace, having the courage to bring people back from the brink over and over again, saving someone’s life even in the worst of circumstances. The ER is the sharp end of it: important, amazing.
When I come in, Neil stands up from where he’s typing at his desk and gives me a half smile.
“How are you?”
As an intern, I’m guessing he’s trying to look out for me.
I smile broadly at him. “I’m fine. Good even.”
He nods at this. “I wasn’t prying, Kate, but I happened to notice you through the door when you were talking to Mr. Adramovich. He looked like a bit more than a friend to me.”
Heat creeps up my cheeks. Goddammit. But when I open my mouth to explain he shakes his head.
“It’s fine, Kate. I didn’t want to see you because I have a problem with it: Don’t feel guilty. I just wanted to say that being clear about your relationship with a patient is important. It helps everyone involved enormously.”
“I’m sorry. I should have … He’s my, my … boyfriend.”
The word “boyfriend” falls out of my mouth, rusty and old. It feels like a lie. Fabian is so much more to me than that. “I was just so shocked … I didn’t know how to …”
Neil waves a hand. “This is not some disciplinary thing, or a reminder of proper procedure. God knows I’m not that guy.” His gaze rests above my head. “I wanted to say that I’m glad you said that you knew him. In my past I … I should … I …” He clears his throat.
“I’m divorced now, Kate. But I had an affair while I was married. She was rushed into the ER, and I was there like you were today. I was resident, not long out of school, surrounded by the attending, more experienced residents, nurses …” He tails off and stares down at the papers strewn all over his desk. “I felt I couldn’t say anything, that I had to keep it secret. She died, Kate, and I …”
His voice drops, and he walks over to the window to stare out at the road.
“I regret it to this day. I still feel like it was my fault, that we didn’t try hard enough to save her, that the fact I didn’t admit what she was to me meant I didn’t care enough. I never got to say goodbye. I’ve never forgiven myself.”
Oh God. I step forward and touch his arm. “I don’t believe you didn’t do enough. I’d love to be as talented as you are in Resus.”
He laughs. “I wasn’t when I started, believe you me. I spent the whole time in a panic, not knowing which way was up, convinced I was killing patients, that I didn’t have what it took to be a doctor. Failing and flailing as I called it. I’d never failed at anything before.”
It mirrors my thoughts so precisely that all I can do is stare at him.
“If I’d told the attending in charge, perhaps we would have tried more things. She might have made it.”
I shake my head. “Don’t torture yourself like that.”
He smiles a sad smile at me. “Generally, I don’t. It was a long time ago. I saw you today and … well, anyway, I didn’t mean to burden you with all that. I wanted to tell you that saying what a patient means to you is the right thing to do. I would have felt terrible if we’d lost him and found out afterward that he was important to you. Losing anyone is sad, of course, but colleagues are particularly close to our hearts. That’s just human nature.”
I nod at him. He’s right, and Fabian could be in here again. The thought makes cold shiver through me, and I cross my fingers behind my back.
