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“What?” I say. “You know it’s tiny right now.”
She snorts, slapping my arm as she puts her hand on my stomach. “I’m sure it’s not. And stop being such a doctor. Let me absorb this.”
“What did Fabian say? I presume you told him first.”
I groan. “It’s such a bad time to do this, and I was terrified … I mean Iamterrified really … but he wassodelighted. I just … it made it all … all fine; better than fine, actually. Good. Exciting. He’s so thrilled.”
“Oh God, he really is the best man on the planet,” Liss grumbles. “You know I hate you right now. And you.” She points at Jo.
Jo just makes a face, and Liss sticks her tongue out at her. “What are you going to do about work?”
“Fabian says he’s going to look after him or her, that I can carry on. I don’t know how that will work exactly … but he’s determined to do it. Really up for it actually.” I groan. “This is such a bad time. I’ve got over three years of my residency left to do.”
Jo looks at her hands. “There’s no good time. Janus and I have talked about how we might manage something like this, but even being in the same country at the moment is a challenge. It’s probably going to be busier when you finish. I think it’s amazing that Fabian wants to do that. So many guys just back off …”
I look at her for a beat: She’s never mentioned this before.
“Is he going to stop …?” Liss is looking down at her hands, and I know immediately what she’s asking.
“The last time he was admitted to hospital he said he wouldn’t get admitted again.” I blow out a long breath. “I don’t know.”
I can’t pretend that this isn’t bubbling away under everything else, but I don’t want to put any dampers on this baby. Am I burying my head in the sand? Yes, but there are so many other things to worry about that it feels like anything else would make the whole Jenga pile topple over.
“I’m trying to take it one step at a time. Pushing him in one direction or another might change who he is, and I like who he is. I don’t expect him to give up the experimenting: I don’t even know that I want him to. Maybe he can do that when I’m looking after the baby or something.”
This sounds sketchy even to my ears, and I squint at them, trying to work out my feelings. “I’ve never minded that he does it. I’m sure he’s planning to work it out when the baby’s here and he understands better what we can and can’t do.”
They’re both staring at me, and my heart sinks. I get that this is a big question mark. Fabian’s not someone who screams “reliable” as a first descriptor, but he stood up to my dad and Javier at the wedding and looked after me when I was sick. He wants to do the right thing, and I hope this won’t change who he is, or worse, that he’ll hate giving up things for our child, or just spiral down into … into … what? Experimenting is his coping mechanism. Maybe he’ll end up giving up everything while I’m not giving up anything? The thought makes a shiver run down my spine.
Jo licks her lips. “Has he told Janus?”
I shake my head, and Jo purses her lips.
“It’ll be difficult to keep this a secret from him.”
“I’ll tell him to talk to him,” I say.
Worry seems to burrow under my skin. The logistics of how we are going to make this work seem impossible. Jo pats my hand.
“You were happy when you came in here, and now we’ve made you worry. We’re crap friends. You can’t control this, and there’s so much you don’t know yet.”
“Sorry,” Liss says. “I’m honestly thrilled for you.”
I get it, we’re all worriers really, and we chew over things for each other. It’s one of the reasons we’ve held together for so long. I knew they’d hone in on the one thing I was trying to suppress but worrying about anyway.
“We really shouldn’t be worrying about Fabian; he’s a really good guy,” Jo says.
31
Kate
My mother grimaces, face tight, and I stare down at my feet. I’ve waited until twelve weeks, but what made me think telling them this early was a good idea?
“You … you’repregnant?”
I wasn’t expecting joy exactly, but I wasn’t expecting a white face and horror either.
“It’s that guy, isn’t it?” my father barks out. “This is so fucking typical of guys like him.”
