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My eyes widen. “Seriously? After everything? Are you pleased?”
She laughs. “It feels amazing given where I was nine months ago.”
In my mind, she’s been good enough ever since that first day she sorted me out in the ER. But she hums a little staring out the window. “They said I’ve demonstrated a great combination of compassion and good clinical judgment. I can’t quite believe it to be honest, but it feels important to apply my knowledge this way.”
“Are you going to do it?”
“What do you think?”
“I think I have an incredible woman who spends her days rescuing people. I think you’re amazing, Kate. I’ve always thought that.”
She laughs and taps my arm, and I pull her down into my lap and close my eyes so I can sink into her.
“We could try again?” It echoes through my head as she rests her chin on my hair.
What? Where did that come from? My eyes snap open again as an icy wind blows through my lungs.
“No.”
She pulls back to look at me. “What? Why?”
I groan. “It was the wrong time for you, Kate. You need to finish your residency. There’s no denying that it would have been difficult.” I shake my head; there’s no way I can do this right now. “I don’t even want to be thinking a thought like that when he died. I keep imagining him as a toddler, teaching him to walk. That probably sounds totally insane.”
“That’s your subconscious filling in the gaps.”
“Thanks, Dr. Kate.”
“But maybe it’s never the right time when you get pregnant.”
“No, Kate. I’m not ready to go there yet. Not so soon.”
“I want you to know I’m ready when you are,” she says, and something sharp and sweet lifts my chest.
“You want to get pregnant again?”
She pulls herself off my knee and flops onto her back on the bed, and I stand and follow, falling down beside her and watching her face as she stares at the ceiling. When I look up, the sun is playing across the cracks and indents in the old plaster.
“Maybe, but I’m not sure it’s for the right reasons. I miss the idea of where we’d be now. I missed meeting him.” I watch her eyes pinch, my throat starts to tighten, and dammit, I want to stop the tears from leaking out.
“Okay.” I prop myself up on my elbow. “I want kids.” My hand tenses on her hip. “When I think about the mess I grew up in, I want to build something new and … children are part of that. But … not just yet.”
She smiles up at me. “Okay.”
She gives so much to me, every time. She’s assuming that I won’t mess up again, or if I do, we’ll survive it. Her confidence in me, in our future, burns through me like a sparkling flame.
“Four,” I say.
She grins. “That’s actually the same number as my family.”
“I don’t actually care how many, I just … Not two, I guess.” I squint at her. “With Zach and the fact I lost him, two wasn’t enough.” I lower my head and rub her nose with mine. “I love you.”
She covers my mouth with her fingers. “I love you too.”
She grasps my face in her hands, and I still. “What?”
“I want to give you everything. Everything you never had. I want to give you a family, me and, whenever we are ready to try again, kids. I’ll go anywhere you want me to be, Fab, work anywhere. When you’re in prison in Siberia, I’ll be there too.”
My laugh is rust, water, and relief, and it feels so good inside, like cotton wool and fire. Her eyes shine as she smiles.
And just like that, it’s all settled.
THE END.
