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And my breasts are sore, and…
I gasp and nearly swerve into traffic on the other side of the road, my mind grasping for any other possible cause of my symptoms.
Could it be food poisoning? Or maybe it’s just stress getting to me. Deep down, though, I know that’s not the case.
I pull over to the side of the road and take a few deep breaths. This can’t be happening.
“Okay, okay,” I tell myself. “I don’tknowthat I’m pregnant. I need to take a test. Or twenty.”
I could just go to the hospital and have a colleague order one for me, but no way will that be happening. I like to keep my professional and private life separate, thank you very much.
And so I find myself beelining for the closest drug store, where I buy a handful of pregnancy tests. My hands shake as I make my way back to my apartment, and I feel like I’m in a daze. This can’t be real, can it? I can’t possibly be pregnant. I’ve always been so careful.
But I know the answer. No birth control is one hundred percent effective, after all.
At my apartment, I kick off my shoes and rush into the bathroom.
I take the first test, and my heart is racing as I wait for the results. I try to distract myself by splashing some water on my face. When I look up, I see the test lying there on the sink, and my heart drops. The results are positive.
I stare at the test for what feels like hours, my mind racing with all the different scenarios and possibilities. I never thought this would happen to me. I’ve always been so careful, so responsible. But now, everything has changed.
I take another test, and then another. Each one comes back positive. I’m going to be a mother. I can’t believe it.
And Josh is the father.
Tears prick my eyes. I know for a fact it’s Josh. Based on the last time Dan and I were together in that way, it has to be Josh.
A sudden wave of excitement courses through me as I start to imagine what my life will be like with a child. But then, a wave of fear washes over me. How am I going to do this? I’m not ready to be a mother. I don’t know the first thing about raising a child.
I sit on the bathroom floor with tears in my eyes, feeling overwhelmed and scared. I can’t do this alone.
And what about Josh?
Once I tell him about the pregnancy, will he want to be involved? Will I even want him to be involved?
The man completely turned on me when I told him about my new job. Obviously, he has trouble even acting like an adult. Is that the kind of person I want to co-parent with? The kind of person I want raising my child?
I don’t know, and right now I’m just completely overwhelmed. This news is such a shock; it feels like I haven’t even caught my breath yet.
I’m having a baby. This time next year, I’ll be a mother.
Sudden excitement and joy rush through me. I’ve always wanted a family, but life being what it is, that’s taken the back burner to my career. For years, I’ve looked for the right guy to settle down with.
But now, I’m going to be a mother, and I don’t need a man to be a successful mom. I have a good job, I’m financially stable, and I can provide fully for myself and any children I have.
I just… wish I had a partner too. Someone to share all of this with.
My mind races with thoughts of what this means for my career, for my life. How can I possibly be a doctor and a mother?
Another wave of nausea rolls through me, and I vomit into the toilet. Instantly, I feel better. And hungrier.
In the kitchen, I make myself some pasta and curl up on the couch with it.
As I eat, I start to think more about the future. This isn’t how I planned on becoming a mother, but I won’t be turning down the opportunity. And I can still be committed to my career, even if that means working less hours.
As far as Josh…
My phone sits on the coffee table, but I don’t pick it up. I had thought we might never talk again, and so I’m not looking forward to calling him up and announcing that I’m pregnant with his child. It’s a conversation that we’ll need to have eventually, but I’m not there quite yet.
