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The move goes by without a hitch. I'm learning the security systems and walking around my home, feeling at a loss. It’s been a while since I’ve had my own place. Soon, it'll be Isabella's and mine. Her room is almost done. I’m waiting on putting her furniture together.
Maya came over to paint the main color on Isabella’s walls, then she stayed for a girls’ night after. Duncan and Derek walked in on our sparkling apple cider and tearjerker movie party. Of course they laughed, not at Maya, she wasn’t crying, but I was a mess.
I walk to the study I created at the back of the house overlooking the gardens. My hand glides over the bookcases and the desk. I thought of Joshua with every detail in this room. I know he would love it if I can ever work things out with him.
He was gone when we got back to the estate after my last doctor’s appointment. Daddy said he headed to Belfast. He never tried to call me. He just left me. Again.
I walk across the hall and into my studio, instantly calming. The smell of the charcoals and pastels soothes my soul. I walk over to the easel and pick up the charcoal to start on the piece I've been picturing in my mind for days. I sketch every cut of his muscles as I remember them from the one time I saw him working out shirtless. He’s standing in profile with his head bent, his body taunt. I continue, drawing his muscles flexed and one arm wrapped around his head, hiding the pain I've caused him. He's lost in his own world. I've only ever seen this pain from him once, and it was in Maya's flat in DC. He kneeled in front of me and I saw the load of pain behind his eyes, reflecting my own.
I turn from his piece to the next easel and vent my pain out in a new drawing. I'm in the same pose as Joshua, but facing forward in portrait instead of profile like he was. I'm bent over, almost on my knees, in a squat on my tiptoes, trying to get away from the pain. My hair falls over my face so others might not know it's me. I step back and look at us.
What a couple? Where he's defined muscle, I'm skin and bone. This is what I'm doing to us.
I've heard it said that a battered woman stays because she doesn't know better. I wish I could say I was that way, for me it was a matter of trying to protect those I love. Jonathan was going to kill Daddy and Duncan. When he found out about Joshua, he threatened him too. But Maya, he never threatened to kill, instead he threatened to kill those she loves. For her, that would have been a greater pain.
My hand rubs against my hip, leaving a trail of charcoal on my smock. I'm just a mess of scars. I can't look at my back; I know what it looks like in my mind, and that's bad enough. Maybe someday I will be able to look at myself completely without the pain and fear.
Several hours pass when Helen walks in with a tray. I know Maya only hired her to watch over me, but I like having her around. She helps me, but still allows me to cook when I want.
“Ms. Ana, you need to feed that baby. I've brought you mint herbal tea and biscuits. They'll settle your stomach,” she says in her thick brogue.
“Thank you, Helen. How'd you know?” I pull a cloth from my pocket and wipe my hands, then take off my smock and walk to the bathroom to wash up.
“Oh, sweet lass, when I carried my boy, my time was easy; but my lass, she made me sick every day I carried that bairn,” she replies.
“Thank you. I can pour it. You don't need to wait on me.” She humbles me.
“No problem, lass, I like helping you.” She pours me a cup of tea and hands it to me with a biscuit. I take a tentative bite, afraid of being sick again. The nausea has gotten worse since my blood pressure has increased. The doctor said it is one of the early symptoms of preeclampsia. He assured me that if I can control my blood pressure, everything should be fine. I worry I won't be strong enough to protect my daughter after all.
Helen excuses herself, and I put my smock back on and return to my charcoal drawing. When it’s finished, I walk to another easel and begin on the sketches for Isabella's decorations for her room and the guest room. My skin prickles like someone is watching me. I turn around to see no one.
“Helen?” I call out, but she doesn’t respond.
My breathing increases as I walk to the window. Oh God, has he found me? I look out, and again see no one, but I feel their stare.
My body begins to shake and the nausea returns, when I spot Ian step out of the tree line. He waves, and I immediately relax. My heartrate slows down. I wave back before returning to my drawings.
The estate is slowly becoming Security International’s main base. As each of the living quarters are refurbished, so are the barns and out buildings. They have set up the main office and tech room in one of the larger barns. I heard that a perimeter fence is being installed. A gatehouse is already up and used, and each of the homes has a special ring tone assigned to the gatehouse landline.
I understand that each of the guys has a specialty that Joshua and Maya utilize. The team works on selling security packages to locals to bring in some money, and they do some minor body guard work as well.
My blood pressure is still high. I have to have ultrasounds every two weeks with weekly blood pressure checks. The specialist can’t see me for another few weeks. Nightmares plague me and I walk around my cottage at night. I've been sketching a lot, it calms me. I don't let anyone see them though. I won't allow them to criticize my works, too.
Joshua has been gone for over two weeks now, and I worry he won’t come back. I shouldn't have run off like I did. I miss him a lot. I know the team talks to him, but I wonder if he regrets helping me.
Maya, Duncan, Derek, and Daddy are coming over for dinner tonight like they do quite often. Maya and Duncan are trying to talk me into letting Derek move into one of the spare rooms on the main floor, but I told them I would be fine with Helen here. I don’t need anyone else staying here and seeing how broken I am. I can keep my panic attacks from Helen but Derek wouldn’t miss one.
“Ana, darling, I was just walking around the house and noticed your final exam picture isn't up yet. Why didn't you put that up in the sitting room?” Daddy asks as he walks into the kitchen.
“I have it in my studio.” I continue scoping the potatoes into a serving dish Maya is holding.
“Darling, that's my favorite picture of yours. Can I go get it, and we can put it up?” He pushes me.
“No, Daddy, the studio is locked.”
“Hey, sis, tell me where the key is. Dad and I will go get it,” Duncan interjects.
“No, it's in the perfect spot. Just leave it.” I put the pan in the sink and reach for my apron pocket, where I put the key before I came in here to finish dinner.
