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“You know why.” He’s talking softly. Like he’s trying to keep a wild animal calm.
“Renzo didn’t know about me and her. I couldn’t be angry with him for that.” I take a slow, deep breath and blow it back out. “But you do.”
Saul’s expression doesn’t change.
He’s the only one in this family who knows what happened between me and her.
Which makes this so much worse.
“That was a long time ago, and this wasn’t my choice. You understand that, right? Renzo told me I have to marry her, which means I have to marry her. That’s how this works.”
“Should that make me feel better?”
“I don’t know how you should feel. I wish you could understand and let this go. I thought it’d been long enough.”
“It hasn’t been. I’m not sure it ever will be.”
“That’s a shame, but there’s still nothing I can do.” He holds out his hands to the sides in a helpless gesture which only infuriates me.
“Turn him down. Renzo won’t make you do it if you push back.”
“And then what? Piss off the Rinaldo Famiglia? Make Don Rinaldo angry? We’re in the middle of a war, Gian. The Russians and the Irish are working together for the first time in history, and we’re their main target. Carlo was nearly killed because of them. Things aren’t going so great, which you’d know, if you were around more often.”
I tighten my jaw. I don’t need him to remind me of my shortcomings. I’m all too aware. “Don’t try to turn this back around on me. You know about me and her. You know what happened and what I did. You really think you can still marry her? Even after all that?”
“If it’s not me, it’ll be someone else.”
“I don’t give a shit. Let it be anyone but my own brother.”
“You really don’t care? You think it’ll be fine? Who knows who she’ll end up with. At least with me, you can be sure she’ll be treated well.”
I take a step forward. Fury burns deep into my heart at the thought of her being treated any type of way by him.
“This is about me and you,” I say softly, staring him in the face. “This is about me and Allegra and nobody else. When it was Renzo, I told myself I’d stay out west, I’d never come home, I’d try my best to pretend like you all didn’t exist. But then it fell through and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn’t even realize I was carrying around all that weight until it was suddenly gone, and I was free. But then I heard you were next in line?—”
I stop myself, unable to continue. Thinking about her like that, like she’s being passed around my brothers, makes me want to murder someone. I’m so angry I have to shove my hands in my pockets and turn them into fists, my nails biting into skin. The pain helps keep me from losing my mind.
Saul runs his fingers through his hair. He looks sympathetic, which doesn’t help. “I’m sorry you’re still carrying this, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Like I said?—”
“Turn her down.”
“I can’t.”
“Then we’re going to have a problem.”
“Gian, there’s got to be another way. You’re my brother.”
“Exactly, I’m your brother, and you know how I feel about her.”
He hesitates. I can see what he’s about to say in his expression. I step toward him, gripping the back of a chair so hard I think my fingers might break through the leather.
“Still?” he asks quietly. “Even though you haven’t seen her since college? How long has it been? Nine years? Nearly ten?”
“It doesn’t matter. I still feel it.”
The words hang between us. He doesn’t move. I can tell by the set of his shoulders that he won’t back down. It’s either kill him now or live with this pain, and I don’t know if I can handle either option. He rubs his face with both hands.
“I didn’t want this. If that makes it easier at all. I really, really didn’t, but we’re in a bad spot, and we need the Rinaldo Famiglia. If I thought there was a way to get out of this marriage without jeopardizing their alliance, I’d do it. But we fucked up one arrangement. We can’t fuck up a second.”
