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“Please don’t.” He clears his throat. “Don’t distract me with your nipples. I want to say this.”
“Should I pull up my shirt? I bet you’ll forget all about whatever you want to say.”
“Probably.” He releases a frustrated grunt. I grin to myself in the darkness. I like the power I have over him, even if that power seems to go both ways. For as much as he wants me, I find myself lusting after him just as hard. And that’s a problem. “You said you could never forgive me for what I did.”
I go silent and stare at the ceiling. It’s that kind of conversation then. “You really want to do this?”
“I know I hurt you back then, but I was young and I thought I was doing it for a good reason.”
I laugh, unable to help myself. “A good reason? Are you serious? Disappearing to start a sportsbook out in Vegas isn’t a good reason to ghost me. You could’ve at least tried to talk to me. I would’ve been hurt, but I don’t think I’d be as angry with you as I still am.”
“That wouldn’t have worked. I never would’ve left.”
“Why did you even need to go?”
He’s quiet for a moment. I turn to face him and stare into his face. He’s wide awake and looking back at me. “For the same reason I never should’ve come back into your life. I wanted to avoid exactly what’s happening right now.”
“You’re going to have to explain this one, big guy.”
“We spent half our time together avoiding Sophia. You remember that, right? You and I were a dirty little secret, and you kept saying how scared you were of your father finding out. After a week, I knew something for sure, and I also knew that you were going to end up hurt.”
“What did you know for sure?”
“How much I cared about you. How much I wanted you. I wasn’t going to be content with some fling. I didn’t want just one week of really good sex?—”
“Perfectly mediocre sex,” I correct, which is just straight-up not true. It’s always been amazing with him.
“A week wouldn’t have been enough. But that meant your father was going to find out, and my brother was going to hear about it, and then?—”
He lets it hang in the air.
I know what theand thenmeans. And then, nuclear fallout. My father would’ve gone ballistic, even worse than he is now. I seriously think he might’ve tried to kill me back then.
I shift closer to him, turning slightly to look into his face. “Do you really mean that? You wanted more?”
“I wanted everything with you, but we both knew it couldn’t happen. You love your family too much to lose them and I couldn’t ask you to give that up for me.”
“What about your family? You care about them too.”
He shakes his head. “Not like you do. Renzo would’ve gotten over it eventually. There would’ve been a fight, but I would’ve been fine. Not like you.”
I let that sink in, chewing on my lip. What he’s saying makes sense. And if I’m honest with myself, the same thoughts had occurred to me too back then. I knew the road we were going down was painful and self-destructive, but I was too into him to care. I couldn’t stop myself.
“That’s why you ghosted me?” I whisper the words. “You thought you were doing me a favor.”
“I ghosted you because I was a weak coward.”
“Okay, that’s better.”
“You’re right. I should have talked to you. But I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t have gone through with leaving. I knew the only way to really make sure I didn’t do something stupid and fuck up your life was to disappear across the country and never speak to you again, no matter how badly I wanted to.”
Anger flares in my guts. “Do you have any idea how much of a mess I was? For ten years, I’ve been blaming myself. When really you were just a freaking self-righteous moron.”
“I was as much of a mess. Remember Hellie and Erick? Ask them what I was like when we first met.”
“I’m finding it hard to empathize, if I’m honest.” I sit up on an elbow. “Why didn’t you try to talk to me later then? After our families stopped hating each other?”
“Because by then, you had already made up your mind, and I didn’t want to open old wounds.”
