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“How can I not?” she whispered.
He lifted his head and looked down at her. “Can’t we just enjoy this moment? Can we save the regret speech for tomorrow?”
They were still joined in the most intimate way, his eyes were pleading and her body was still humming with delight. What else could she say but “Sure.”
Tomorrow, she vowed. Tomorrow she’d open up about the miscarriage. If she truly wanted him to devote himself to this marriage, then she had to expect the same of herself.
Eight
Anthony was attempting to feed Lily when Charlotte came down the stairs the next morning. She hadn’t spent the night in his bed as he’d hoped, but she had lain with him outside until well after midnight. And that was hours after they’d made love.
He’d take that monumental victory and add it to the others he’d accumulated. Eventually, she would be back where she belonged and they could move forward together as a family.
He never thought he’d enjoy being a father as much as he had this past week with Lily. Work had always been his excuse whenever Charlotte had mentioned children…but, in all honesty, he’d been terrified of being a dad. He’d had a wonderful childhood, but for some reason the thought of a child depending on him had always had him finding excuses to avoid the unknown.
“I didn’t hear her wake,” Charlotte told him. “I’m sorry she disturbed you.”
He studied her face, her shaky hands. “You okay? You look a bit pale.”
She brushed a hand through her bed-wrestled hair. “Oh, I was up late finishing some emails for the dedication of the new wing at the hospital. I’m just a little tired.”
Not fully buying her story, he paused with the spoon in the rice cereal. But when the silence stretched out, he realized that she wasn’t going to comment further.
“I took the monitor from your room this morning so you could rest. I told Lily Bug you needed to sleep because you had a late night.”
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, then disappeared. “Thank you for the present. I just opened it this morning.”
Placing another bite in Lily’s mouth, he smiled. “There are no strings attached to it, Charlie. You enjoy art and I saw the charcoal set and thought you might want to make some pictures for Lily. Maybe add some more of your art here, as you have back in L.A.”
Her shoulders sagged a little, her lids lowered. “I just don’t know what to think anymore when you give me a gift for no reason.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t mean for it to be a bribe or anything other than my gratitude for all you’ve done and are doing.”
“You knew exactly what I’d like.”
He nodded. “We’ll be up here two full weeks. I thought Lily and I could give you some time to yourself every now and then. I think she’s getting more used to being around a man.”
Charlotte crossed the island and laid a hand on his bare shoulder. “This means a lot to me. Thank you.”
The look in her eyes, the joyful tone in her voice, told him he should’ve done more from-the-heart gestures in the past instead of just assuming she’d like another facial or spa appointment.
A glob of rice landed on his cheek as he was grinning like a loon up at Charlotte.
“Lily!”
Charlotte laughed as Lily squealed and Anthony couldn’t help but laugh, too. This is what he wanted. Laughter, playfulness. But would Charlotte take this moment, grab hold of it and join him in forging the family she’d always dreamed of, or would she shut it out for fear she’d get her heart broken again?
Knowing his wife, she’d erect that wall back up around her heart again. But he was used to a challenge. He hadn’t made it to the top in Hollywood by sitting back and not taking chances and facing them head-on.
He’d take that wall she kept building around herself and knock the damn thing down. Then he’d show her how they were going to live happily ever after with Lily and a life full of dreams and love.
He couldn’t change his past, but he could sure as hell get control of his future.
“You look beautiful,” he told her. Immediately, he wished he hadn’t said anything. Why couldn’t he just let the moment be?
Her smile vanished, her eyes bored into his.
“I’m sorry,” he told her. “It’s just when you laugh like that, your whole face lights up and I…well, I’ve missed seeing that.”
She took a sip of her juice and didn’t respond. An uncomfortable silence settled around them. Had he been so stingy with his compliments over the years that one had her unsure of how to respond?
“What do you say we go shopping today?” he suggested, trying to break some tension.
“Shopping? You hate to shop.”
He smiled and shrugged, spooning up another bite of rice. “Not with my two favorite girls, I don’t. Besides, we can get Lily some pool toys and we can grab some lunch at that little café you love.”
Charlotte was silent for a moment and Anthony feared she’d say no.
Please, Charlie. Take the olive branch.
Ironic—he was afraid his own wife would turn him down for a date. Could he be more pathetic?
“I’d love to,” she told him. “Let me grab a shower. Just bring her on up when you’re done and I’ll get her ready.”
Once Charlotte was gone, Anthony put down the spoon, grabbed one of Lily’s pudgy hands and mocked a high five.
“Score one for the home team.”
* * *
“I seriously don’t think Lily needed this many pool toys,” Charlotte exclaimed as she watched Anthony blow up the last of ten toys. “She’s only one kid and we’re just here for twelve more days.”
He tossed the inflatable elephant into the pool to lazily float around with the others. “What if she gets bored with one? She needs options.”
“I hope you get this spoiling out of your system.” She laughed.
He stared at her, making her aware they were once again out here alone while Lily took her nap. “Are you feeling okay? You weren’t this morning, but your coloring looks better now.”
Warmth spread through her at his sincerity. “I’m fine. But I do need to talk to you now that we’re alone.”
“Something’s bothering you.”
She nodded. “Yes. I’ve kept something from you for a while. A year actually.”
Anthony placed his hands on his narrow hips. “A year?”
There was no room for guilt now, only the truth. She walked over to a chaise and took a seat. When Anthony sat on the end of the chair, she adjusted her feet to give him more room.
“I had a miscarriage,” she told him. “Last year when you were in Belize filming.”
He sat up a little straighter, eyes wide. “A miscarriage? I didn’t even know you’d been pregnant.”
“I didn’t know either until a few days after you’d left. I took a test and it was positive.” She remembered the excitement, the joy of seeing those two pink lines. “I couldn’t wait until you got home. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone so I planned a surprise. I bought this silly little T-shirt that said #1 Dad.”
Tears welled in her eyes and Anthony rubbed her bare leg. “My God, Charlie. How far along were you when you miscarried?”
“Seven weeks.” She wiped her eyes, trying to force out the pain of the previous loss. “I miscarried a week before you came home. I only knew I was pregnant for a couple weeks, but certainly long enough to plan in my head. I had the nursery decorated, I had us on playdates at the park and with other parents. But one morning I woke up to serious cramping and I knew something was wrong.”
Anthony stared at her, his hand still on her leg. He didn’t speak and she could only imagine the anger he held now. She’d lied to him, taken an important part of their marriage and kept it hidden.
“Why are you telling me now?” he asked. “You could’ve kept it to yourself your whole life and I never would’ve known.”
“You’re right,” she agreed. “But I see that you’re trying to work on this marriage and I can’t let this lie hover between us. You deserved to know.” Just like he deserved to know about the baby she was carrying, but she needed to take this one step at a time.
Anthony eased closer, moving her legs up over his lap. “You were angry that I wasn’t there.”
Charlotte bit her lip, forcing the rest of her tears back as she nodded. “Yes,” she whispered.
He reached out, cupped her face and looked into her eyes. “To say I’m sorry is really inadequate now. I’m furious, though.”
Charlotte closed her eyes for a moment then looked back into his. “I know. I knew when I told you that you’d be angry at me.”
“At you?” he asked. “Why the hell should I be angry with you? You discovered a miracle and were excited to tell me and I wasn’t there. Nor was I there when you had to suffer the loss and mourn on your own. My God, Charlie, how could you ever think I’d be angry at you when you’ve obviously been through hell…in private, I might add.”
“You’re upset with yourself?”
Charlotte eased back onto the cushions, relieved he didn’t flat-out hate her or worse…blame her for the loss.
He came to his feet, shoved his hands in his pockets and shook his head. “We both know I haven’t been there for you and this just proves it. I was so out of tune with your feelings that I didn’t even pick up on your sadness when I returned. I don’t recall anything about that time that makes me think you were upset.”
She slid her feet over the side of the chair and stood, as well. “I cried in private. I was angry that you weren’t there so I kept it all to myself. To be honest, I didn’t feel you deserved to know about the baby because you hadn’t been there when I needed you.”
Anthony’s face crumbled, he looked down to the stone patio and sighed. “Have I ever been?” he asked, voice thick with emotion.
Charlotte had never, ever seen Anthony upset. He hadn’t cried for his sister, at least in her presence, but here he stood obviously upset that she’d faced the miscarriage alone and he hadn’t been there to help her through.
“When we first got married you were,” she told him, crossing her arms over her sundress. “We were both different people then.”
Anthony turned, walked toward the pool and kicked off his flip-flops. He sank to the edge and let his feet dangle in the water. Charlotte followed him, wondering what thoughts were swirling around in his mind. He was talking. More and more each day he talked to her about important things in life.
She sat beside him, letting her own legs dangle in the water.
“I want to be the husband and father this family needs to survive,” he told her, kicking a pool toy as it floated by. “I never want you to feel that you have to keep something from me or that you have to do everything on your own. I want you to trust me again, to trust the team that we can be.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she agreed. “I just need time. I want this to work and I don’t want to rush into another chapter of our lives without really thinking about how we can fix the past.”
Anthony rested his hands on his knees and nodded. “I visited Mia and Bronson right before Rachel passed. They were just home from the hospital with baby Bella. They seemed so happy, so in love. For once in my life, I was actually jealous of what Bronson had.”
Intrigued at his choice of words, Charlotte smiled at the image of Mia and Bronson. “They seem so happy together. I hope they don’t fall prey to the Hollywood hype and lose sight of what’s important.”
Anthony glanced up at her. “The way we did?”
She hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to make this another vulnerable moment for either of them. They’d had a good day and she wanted to relish it.
But her emotions had other plans. And obviously her subconscious wanted to dive into another layer of emotional angst.
“Yeah.” She sat beside him and toed a floating duck that drifted by her dangling feet. “The way we did.”
“We’ll get through this,” he told her, resting a hand on her bare thigh where her sundress had slid up. “If I learned anything this past year with finding the Danes and losing Rachel, I know how important family is, Charlie. I need you. We have so much at stake now.”
Did that mean before, when only she was “at stake,” their marriage wasn’t worth fighting for? She wasn’t going to ask; she didn’t want to hear the answer. On the one hand she was thrilled that he was fighting for these kids—even if he didn’t know about one of them yet—it was the most emotion she’d ever seen him show outside of business. But, on the other hand, she wished he’d realized he wanted to really fight for their marriage before fate gave them no other choice.
