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“And I told you a while back that I don’t want anything to be one-sided with us,” he retorts, his tone harsh. “Besides, that kind of stuff isn’t going to help right now. We’re both already confused enough as it is.”
I bite my lip as I feel my chin trembling.
He doesn’t want me?
Well, he wants to marry me, but he doesn’t want me to do sexy stuff to him? Maybe he’s worried I’m not experienced enough to make it worth his while.
I cross my arms, feeling more vulnerable than ever. “I’m sorry if that wasn’t up to your standards.”
He takes a step back and glares at me incredulously. “You think I stopped you because it wasn’t good enough? How many times do I have to tell you how amazing it feels when you touch me before you’ll believe it?”
“Enough times that you’d actually lose control and let something happen again, I guess,” I yell, waving my hands in the air.
“You want me to risk yours and our babies’ lives?” he asks incredulously.
“Of course not. All I wanted was to make you feel good. And just once, I wanted to be the one to pull the emergency fire alarm and put a stop to it. If all those other women were sexy enough to make you give in, don’t you think I need you to show me the same courtesy every now and again?”
He growls. “You still don’t get it, do you? It’s different with us. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
“If that’s true, then why does it seem like you’re still holding back?”
“Because you asked me to, Loren,” he begins, raising his voice. “Because it’s the only way I could prove I want you for more than sex and earn your trust. Because I’ve been trying to protect both of us.” He gulps as he continues staring at me. “Despite what you might think, I couldn’t risk seeing that look in your eyes again, the way you pitied me in the morning after I shared more of myself with you than anyone before, my heart and my body. You gave me my first taste of real intimacy that night, just so you could continue rejecting me every day since then. So, yeah, I’ve been holding back. I’ve had to.”
“And you don’t think I’ve been feeling rejected? It hasn’t been easy for me either,” I croak out, trying to ignore the heat that flashes through me.
“Easy? I just expended the last pitiful shreds of my willpower to stop you after vowing never to use you that way—a promise I made to you, to myself, and to God, more recently. But you …” He groans and runs his hands through his hair before he begins again. “This has got to be my penance for the past dozen years, right?” He shakes his head, blowing a breath out of his lips. “I’ve beenkilling myselfto change. And now you’re upset with me for surprising you with a marriage proposal and stopping you from taking off my pants?”
“Okay, I get how this could be confusing. But I can’t help that I’m full of irrational hormones right now. And can we stop with the morning-after bit, already? I said I was sorry, and you said you’d forgiven me,” I remind him quietly.
“Ihaveforgiven you, but it’s still hard for me to forget how worthless I felt after you left, especially when I’m constantly worried about you running scared again.”
“Yeah? Then why the hell didn’t you man up and tell me how you felt that morning, Blake? Why didn’t you speak up to say I was wrong, that spending the night together did mean something to you? Why didn’t you stop me from leaving so we could have talked about it like rational adults?” I realize I’m yelling, and I stand there with my chest heaving as Blake frowns at me. But now that I’ve finally started this, I don’t think I can stop.
“If one night with me was really all that enlightening for you, the least you could have done was called me the next day or even the following week and told me how wrong I was to assume you didn’t care,” I continue, trying not to choke over my tears. “I waited for weeks to hear from you. I probably fantasized a hundred times about seeing your name pop up on my phone and hearing you say, ‘It absolutely meant something, Lo—it meanteverything.’ Shit, I only forced myself to go on that date with Rowan because I was so desperate to get you out of my head, and you showed up and sabotaged that too!”
He runs his tongue over his teeth and drops his eyes to the ground while I finish my rant. “You’ve done this to me so many times. You build me up and make me think I could be special enough to hold your attention, but the second I hesitate, you let me go. You did it the night of our first kiss, then again, every time we were alone in high school. And you wonder why I’m terrified to admit how much I need you and how hard I’ve fallen for you? If you weren’t willing to fight for me before you knew I was pregnant, then how could I believe you’d care as much later, once I’ve trapped you in a miserable marriage that you’ll undoubtedly want out of in a few years? You want to know why I’m afraid to acknowledge how badly I want to marry you? It’s because it feels like I’m damned either way, whether I drive you away now or I give in and wait for you to realize you’re sick of me later.”
I’m out of breath by the time I’m done, butgahdoes it feel amazing to get that off my chest. I don’t even think some of those ideas were conscious until I started to say them aloud. But if there was ever a time to win an argument with Blake, I’m pretty sure this is it.
“Loren … I’m sorry,” he replies after a while, stopping to clear his throat when his voice cracks. “I guess I thought I was being a martyr, when I was actually too busy nursing my own wounds to realize how much I’ve hurt you. But you’re right. I’ve been a coward.” He frowns and shakes his head. “And I was about to do the same thing all over again, wasn’t I?”
I shrug. “It feels a lot like that, yeah.”
He scratches his head and curses under his breath before he begins again. “Thank you for being brave enough to admit all that. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough to deserve you, Lo.” He laughs sardonically. “What the hell was I thinking when I expected you to say yes to my proposal?”
I sniffle, fighting my tears again. “Do you want to take this back, then?” I ask, holding up my left hand. I glance at the ring he put there only minutes ago for the first time. It looks … familiar. And pretty, very pretty. “Or am I leaving it on so we can go back to faking it, at least until we figure things out?”
“Neither,” he mutters, just as a knock sounds on the door. And his cryptic answer reminds of what he said about not being sure whether he wants to shake me or kiss me most of the time.
“Uh, hey, everything all right in there?” JD calls from the other side.
“Depends on what you mean by all right,” I reply dryly, glancing in the mirror and swiping at the mascara pooling beneath my eyes.
“I hate to interrupt, but everyone’s getting a little worried, and you haven’t been answering your texts.”
“Sorry. We’ll be out in a second,” Blake says.
“Okay, then.” It’s quiet for a moment, but I can tell JD hasn’t moved. “Mind if I ask what the vibe’s gonna be when you emerge from your cave? You know, so I can prepare everyone else?”
