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I clear my throat. “I’m just saying you don’t have to give it all up on my account. We can be friends and successfully co-parent while we maintain separate social lives.”
He mulls over my offer for a while, still rubbing my wrist. Then he pulls up in front of the doctor’s office and puts his truck in park before turning to face me. “Loren, the truth is that I’m not interested in dating other women, even if that means being celibate for a while. I don’t like the idea of spending time with you one night and someone else the next. It doesn’t feel right, especially while we’re letting everyone believe we’re a couple.”
“And I don’t want you to become resentful of me and our kid later once you realize we’ve ruined your way of life,” I retort, my tone harsher than I intend.
He huffs. “If I’m resentful of anything, it’s that you can’t trust me to be a decent human being,” he mumbles, and I furrow my brow in confusion. “Whether you like it or not, Lo, we’re in this situation together. And even though you’ll only ever see me as a friend, the least you could do is to stop questioning my loyalty.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper softly. “I know it’s not fair of me to make those kinds of assumptions about you, especially when you’ve only shown me the opposite. It’s just, I’ve grown up in the aftermath of the same circumstances, and the last thing I want is to hold you back or get in the way of your happiness.”
He lets out a long exhale. “I get it. If it makes you feel any better, I want you to know I’d already been considering an extended break from casual dating before you and I got together. In fact, you’re the only woman I’ve been with in a while. Which was probably evident when …” He turns his lips to the side and shrugs shyly. “You know, the reason we ended up here in the first place.”
I snicker under my breath, and he turns to glare at me.
“Oh, of course.That’sthe detail you remember.”
“I’m sorry, I was laughing at the part where you expected me to believe women have suddenly stopped throwing themselves at you. It’s not like you’ve made yourself less desirable by secretly deciding to change your lifestyle, as admirable as it may be,” I explain with a smile.
“Is this your way of asking me whether I’ve gotten any offers?”
My lips part in surprise. I may have brushed over his confession just now in lieu of keeping things light, but it’s not easy to ignore him when he spells it out like this.
“It’s none of my business,” I reply.
“So you’dreallybe okay with me seeing someone else? And you wouldn’t be the least bit jealous?” His eyes search mine, and my stomach flips when I actually stop to picture it.
Okay, that’s an understatement. I want to cut her, and I don’t even know whosheis, though Blake’s hypothetical girlfriend bears a strong resemblance to Nicole from the dress shop.
But I won’t do this to him. I’m not going to tell him the truth, that seeing him with another woman will absolutely wreck me one day. Because the only thing worse than having to pretend I don’t want to be with Blake would be allowing myself to hope and having that rug ripped out from under me later. There’s no way he, of all people, won’t decide I’m not worth his time and energy one day.
“Of course I’d be jealous,” I say with a shrug. “But I’d hate for you to waste your spicy abs on me.”
He shakes his head, and he almost looks angry. “I’m not sure how many times I’m going to have to explain this to you, Loren, but listen carefully. I really wish you’d quit selling yourself short. I think you’re amazing. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and any guy would be lucky to have you. The only reason you’re still single is by choice, I’m sure. And I’m sorry if our situation makes you feel like any of that isn’t true. I may only have initiated something that night while our inhibitions were lowered, but I want you to understand it’s because I’ve always thought you were out of my league, and not because I had to get drunk to want to sleep with you. It was more like a ‘liquid courage’ kind of thing, all right?”
I chew on my bottom lip as I sniffle, unable to look him in the eyes after that. Surely he’s only feeding me lines because he doesn’t want to leave me feeling sorry for myself, but it’s sweet, nonetheless. “Dammit, Gus-Gus. Thanks for making me cry,” I mumble, halfway laughing through my tears.
He shakes his head, his expression softening. “Anytime, babe. It’s what I do best.” Then he stares at me for a full minute in a way that makes my insides melt, without ever looking away from my face. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll go on a date when you do.”
“What?” I ask incredulously. “I’m not exactly in any condition to date.”
“Then neither am I. Once you decide you’re ready, I’ll get back out there too. Make it an amendment to the ground rules.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “This feels like one of your lawyerly traps.”
“Oh, it’s definitely one of those,” he replies, his smile growing.
“Fine,” I say, reaching out to poke him in the chest. He grasps my hand and holds it against him, and I accidentally sigh when I feel his heart beating steadily beneath my palm.
“But if I never date again, you’ll find yourself in a bind.” My voice comes out breathier than I mean it to sound.
“We’ll see who cracks first, Agnes.”
I wipe my eyes with my free hand because he’s still holding the other one. In fact, he’s bringing it up to his mouth when he stops abruptly.
“You know what, I think I’m going to invoke my rights. Come here,” he says, dropping my hand and using his to lift my chin as he leans over and presses his lips to mine.
He keeps to his word, only pausing there for a few seconds to get his point across. Still, I can tell he’s holding back every time he kisses me or initiates some kind of physical contact. I believe Blake when he says he’s attracted to me and that he cares about me, but I know his true feelings could never really outgrow our friendship or progress beyond a combination of fondness and gratitude for carrying his baby. If there was any chance of that happening, he’d feel the way I do when he kisses me, and he wouldn’t be able to stop, regardless of the ground rules.
“Better?” he asks once he breaks away.
