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Sean’s fingers press into my side like he’s trying to pull me away, but I can’t move. I’m frozen in place. Stuck. The silence beyond Ax’s whimpers is deafening.
“What did you just say?” I speak calmly while my heart pounds so hard I feel it crack as it bangs against my ribcage.
She drops her head, unwilling to look at me. I turn to Sean, handing him Ax. My hands shake so badly, I’m afraid I might drop him. He takes him, but his free arm stays around me tight, supporting me.
My dad’s chin remains tucked, his eyes on the table. I turn to Gem. Her moist eyes tell me exactly what my mother said.
I drop my head into my hands. “I’m such an idiot. How did I not see this?” My head snaps up, finding Gem. “How could you have not told me? All this time…” My throat begins to swell shut as more tears gather in her eyes, but I ignore them.
Sean’s hand grips my waist and tries to pull me closer, but I resist.
I look at my dad, waiting for him to man up. “I’m not yours, am I?” He doesn’t respond, his eyes returning to the plate in front of him.
I let out a defeated laugh, waking the stillness. I wait for my mother’s eyes to meet mine. “I’m very sorry you didn’t get what you paid for. At least now we don’t have to pretend there will ever come a time that I’ll be good enough.”
I move my chair out of the way and leave the room, frantically grabbing my stuff in the foyer. Sean joins me, trying to helpgather my coat, Ax’s car seat, and diaper bag while giving me the space I need.
I quickly have it all together, and I’m out the door, Sean on my heels. When we get to my car, he helps me load Ax and then stands there. I can’t look at him. I can’t do anything.
He reaches for me, but I step back, my body shaking. “I’m sorry. I just…I need a minute.”
“Andie, tell me what I can do. Tell me what you need. Anything.” He says it so softly, like he’s being tortured.
“I just…need a minute,” I repeat, feeling the world spin around me like I’m in another dimension. “Just give me a minute, ok?” I rub my temples, knowing any moment, I’m going to lose it.
“Ok.” He takes a tentative step away, so unsure.
I can’t look at him, or I’ll break into a thousand pieces. I climb in my car, start it, and drive.
Chapter 44
ANDIE
Still in my dress and tights, I stand in the middle of my living room, staring into nothing. Thankfully, Ax fell asleep in the car, exhausted from the evening, and I was able to lay him down for the night. Now, the darkness is my only comfort in the swirl of my downward spiral.
My mother’s words spin around in my head like they’re on repeat. “We took you in.”
I can’t move. I can’t speak. It’s as if all of my senses have shut down, and there’s no sensation other than to stand here and try to let those four simple words take root and fully register their deep meaning. It’s as if everything finally makes sense, and nothing makes sense at all.
I have a thousand questions, but none I can formulate. All I can wonder is how I didn’t see this. The constant disconnect, the lack of bonding and loving embraces, the unending desire for me to be something or someone I know now I could never be. I was placed into shoes I was never, ever going to be able to fill.
I sink down to the cold, hard floor, and it presses into my knees as impossibility and understanding collide. I never even stood a chance, but that doesn’t stop the flood of grief and heartache for all the years I tried so hard to be enough. The pressure I felt as a child to measure up, to be the little girl anddaughter she demanded I be. All of the time, the self-sacrifice, and the heartbreak, existing in a world that was never meant for me.
Warm tears seep through my fingers as sobs erupt from my gut and force their way to the surface.
All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally. To be seen and accepted for exactly who I am, with no expectations or demands attached. To be seen as the girl, the young woman, and now the woman I’ve become, despite the pressures of never meeting their high standards.
It’s all been a lie. Every single little bit, and for what? To live a life filled with unceasing disappointment and resentment? Always trying to find a middle ground and hoping somehow it would be enough to win their support and affection. Their wanting, desire, and expectations for me to be someone that would never exist. The conflict of it all…was for nothing.
Everything I thought to be true is gone. I fought so hard to just be accepted. It was a battle I should’ve never had to fight in the first place. All I wanted was to belong. To be included and not set apart, but the reality is I didn’t belong there, and I don’t belong to them. I was just a placeholder for the one who was supposed to be.
Crumpled on the floor, I swipe my snot with my wrist. Snipe nuzzles my side with his wet nose and soft whimpers, trying to bring comfort I don’t have space for as betrayal and complete awareness take over.
My chest heaves with hiccups as I try to pull in air. Gem knew all this time how hard I tried and the pain I carried of never being good enough.
How could she keep this from me? The one person who I’ve always counted on to just love me. To hold my hand and hold me up when the rest of the world left.
How could she look me in the eye and not tell me the single most important piece of information? The one thing that changes everything. To not give me the peace of knowing there wasn’t something wrong with me. I’d simply been misplaced.
