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I don’t know how long I lay there cold, damp, and shivering, but eventually, exhaustion pulls me under as I cry myself to sleep.
I wake to the still darkness and muffled sounds of Snipe’s snores. My entire body aches, which is minimal compared to the searing pain in my chest.
I slowly pull myself from the ground and carry myself down the hall to peek in on Ax. A new burn forms in my throat as fresh tears drip down my cheeks at the sight of his innocent little face. A love for him stabbing me clear through. One I’ve never known. I force my body across the hall to my bedroom. I strip down to my bra and panties, pull on an old t-shirt, and crawl under the covers.
My puffy eyes sting as they drift closed. I surrender, wanting so much to feel the relief that seemingly should come with this revelation. The freedom of finally being off the hook, no longer tied to a life that doesn’t fit.
But as I lay lost and alone, not having a clue where I go from here, a shifting begins in my core that I know will grip me tight and pull me under if I allow it.
______
With dawn comes the soft murmurs and coos from next door. I pry open my swollen, crust-filled eyes and haul myself to Ax’s room, unable to care about anything other than him. I lift him and hold him tight to my chest, hoping to find comfort and rest in his scent and closeness.
I change his diaper and take him to the kitchen for a bottle. Through the swollen slits of my eyes, I watch the sun rise as he drinks, snuggling him so tight.
Another day comes forth, bright and shiny and new, but there’s nothing bright and shiny within me. Anger and hurt swirl with the wounds of betrayal and dishonesty.
I can only wonder how things would’ve been different if I had only known. If I’d had the chance to understand. Would it have made a difference? Maybe it would’ve changed everything. Maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be so afraid that I’ll never find my place. I wouldn’t fear there will never be a person who will see me and won’t turn and leave because there’s something or someone more fitting, more important. Maybe I’d believe I might actually be enough for someone.
Even with Josh, I quickly learned I came second to the job. I never resented him for it. It was his life, his dream, and he sacrificed everything for it. It was what he was made for, and because I loved him, it was my sacrifice as well.
But I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill a role that wasn’t designed for me, never feeling at home or like I belonged, and now I’m afraid I’ll never know what that might feel like.
Ax starts sucking air, and I pull the bottle from his mouth. I take it to the sink and drop it on top of yesterday’s dishes. Finding the diaper bag by the door, I search for my phone, guessing there’s at least a message from Sean.
His plea for some way to help last night almost pushed me over the edge. I can’t talk to him. He’s the only person uninvolved, and I want to keep him there. Safe and untainted by the grief and anger that overwhelms me.
I don’t want him to see me this way. Broken and weak. And just like last night, I know he might be the only person who understands in a way no one else could. Right now, that understanding seems more than I can bear.
After digging around, I find the cold metal object, not wanting to look at it.
SEAN: Please message me or call me.
SEAN: I just need to know you’re ok.
NORA: How did the party go?
I toss my phone on the table and cross the space to set Ax down, surrounding him with toys. I let Snipe out and sit on the floor with Ax, wanting to forget the world.
I need time and space to figure out how I’m supposed to start over once again. Only this time, I have Ax, and there isn’t a single person who will ever again tell me how I should live my life.
I hear my phone chime from the table, but I don’t get up to check it. Whoever it is will have to wait.
Chapter 45
SEAN
“What’s up, man? You going to be good to go after bye week?”
I set the weight bar back in the rack and sit up to slap Charles’ hand. “Yes, sir. I just got full clearance, so I’ll be back on the field after next week.”
“Yeah, man. We’ve missed you around here. Tyrell is like a lost puppy. He’s going to be a mess if a trade goes through.”
Word has gotten out about the trade, and it’s not making anything easier. Social media is lit up with speculation about where I might be headed, only making it more difficult to sit back and wait.
The latest word from Rob is Arizona is a strong possibility, and I can’t complain. The team ranks high in their division but is hurting due to injuries. If I’m handed off, there are definitely worse teams to join.
I’ve played with some of the guys in Arizona before. Besides moving and getting used to new coaching and management, I hope whatever team I join will be welcoming and the transition as smooth as possible.
