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“No. I’m sure the picture is pretty clear.”
“We don’t have to talk about it, but just so you know, I didn’t like it. I don’t know much about family dynamics, but I know that’s not how it should be.”
She bites her lip, thinking. “Thanks for holding Ax. I don’t want him anywhere near that.”
“I was scared shitless he was going to wake up.”
She leans closer to look at him. “You want me to take him?”
I peek down at him. “Actually, no.”
“Don’t you need to get home and get your beauty rest or something? Or are you just going to sit around here all night waiting to witness more of the wreckage that is my life?” She tucks her legs up underneath her, sounding a little more like herself.
“Is that an invitation?”
She meets my eyes again with a hint of a smirk that makes me smile. Looking at her with this baby on my chest and everything that just happened, I can’t imagine what it must be like raising a child alone. Again, I feel like I’ve been living in such a small world. My own little world where everything was fine and nothing else existed.
I must be staring because her smirk turns to a frown. “What?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, sorry.”
She purses her lips. “If you have something to say, just say it. That’s a benefit of us not being friends. You can say whatever you want, and if it sucks, I still won’t like you anyway.”
“So, not friendswithbenefits?” I just want to push her buttons.
“Ugh. You’re annoying.”
I chuckle. “Fine. If I can say anything I want, I just thought, I can’t imagine going through all you have and raising a baby by myself.” I try to find the right words. “It’s just another reminder of how small of a world I’ve been living in.”
She tips her head to the side like she’s trying to see through what I said. I know she didn’t want me to see and hear all that just went down, but I don’t want her to be embarrassed or ashamed, so I’ll expose a little of my own remorse.
“You weren’t wrong that day in the elevator about me being shallow. I have been. I got so caught up, moving from one day to the next, doing what I was told, and keeping things simple I got lost. I’ve forgotten what the real world is like. People and the lives that they lead that don’t look like mine. I should know better, given how I grew up.”
I grimace, thinking about it. “Life might look perfect on a screen scrolling through pictures, but life isn’t supposed to be like that. It’s supposed to be messy and hard sometimes. It’staking me some time to get back to swimming in the deep, remembering what it feels like and how not to drown. This stuff with Morgan kind of gave me a shove, but even with all of that, it’s nice to feel the difference.”
Andie runs the edge of the blanket between her fingers. “With your life…it is so easy for that to happen. If I lived the life my mom wanted me to, I’d have been in the kiddy pool right there with you. Cut yourself a little slack. If you’re not careful, it’s so easy to step into a giant pile of crap and get lost in it. But it’s the ones who find their way out, clean themselves off, who never make that mistake again.”
“You think?” I hope she’s right. Backsliding is a real fear, and I never want to find myself there again.
She nods. “If you finally realize how bad you stink, you’ll never go back to that.”
She rests her head back and stares at the ceiling before rolling her head towards me. She looks tired. More of her hair is spilling out from the top of her head, and her green eyes have dark circles underneath them. Yet, she’s still beautiful.
“Do you ever feel like you just want to punch someone in the face?” Her face is so serious I bite my cheek to keep from smiling.
I don’t have to think about it. “Most recently, about fifteen minutes ago.”
She laughs. “She has that effect on people.”
“Has it always been like that?” Now that we’re talking about it, I can’t help my curiosity.
She lets out a breath. “Pretty much. It wasn’t as bad until I decided I should have a say in my own life.” She eyes me, deciding if she wants to say more. “The shit really didn’t hit the fan until I married Josh. I’m sure you’ve gathered he didn’t meet their one-dimensional standards, but for me, he was the first person besides Gem to…see me. He didn’t care that I couldsing or that I was a Taninbaugh. He didn’t push me to do or be anything I wasn’t. He just loved…me.”
She pulls the blanket up a little like she’s revealing too much. “We got married, and that was really it. She said she hoped I’d come to my senses. She can’t seem to understand that it’s going to be a cold day in hell before that ever happens. I lived with Josh on base for a while, and being away made it easier. But when we decided I should come back to pursue my music more seriously, that’s when she started to stick her nose in again. I think she thought I was back because things weren’t good between Josh and me. Anyway, now I have Ax, and there’s no way he’s growing up like I did with all that pressure and feeling like he never measures up.”
I give her a second to say more if she wants, but she doesn’t. “You’re incredibly brave. You know that, right?” I run a gentle hand down the baby’s back, realizing I like the protective feeling of his little body next to mine. “Going through all that you have alone.”
She lets out a breath. “In the moment, it’s not brave. It’s more like being scared to death and just doing what you have to do to make it through. But thank you for saying that. Something tells me you might know a little bit about that, too.”
