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I let out a breath. “Ok.”
“You just keep being…you and made me care. I don’t want to. I don’t want to care about you, you big jerk.”
I grab her hand and hold it against my chest. “I know. Come here.”
She shakes her head. “No. Why can’t you just go back to being the self-centered butthead I sat in the elevator with?”
I try to smile, feeling her coming within reach. “I let you believe something that wasn’t true. I won’t lie to you.” She stares at me. “I called you before the game because I wanted to talk to you, to hear your voice. I can’t focus with all of the noise, and you…ground me. You remind me that some things are real when everything else feels so messed up.”
I pull her gently, and she sits on the bed facing me. I want to hug her and hold her close, but all of her guards are up, and I won’t push her.
“I don’t want this. I don’t want to worry every minute. I can’t do that again. I don’t want all of the drama and spotlight. I don’t want to care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt like this or worse. I know all of this is your life, but…”
I know I have to tread very lightly here. There’s a canyon growing between us. She’s standing on one side, and I’m on the other. If I push, she’ll turn and run, and I won’t be able to get to her.
“I know, but I’m selfish. I want you here. I don’t want to lose you. Besides my brothers, you are the only person who–”
She pulls her hand away. “Don’t say things like that. This…you and me. We don’t work.”
I try to be firm and not let my panic show. “Don’t pull away from me. Don’t hide, Andie. I’m right here. Take a chance. I won’t let you down. I can’t say I won’t get hurt or bad things won’t happen. No one can. But I can tell youIwon’t hurt you.”
She starts to stand, and I tug her back.
“I have to go. Nora is watching Ax, and she can’t stay.”
I pull her to me again, and she comes willingly, resting her head against my chest. I try to push down the fear that when she walks out the door, she’ll be gone…for good.
“Stay. Not right now, but stay with me. I need you.” I sound pathetic, and I don’t care. I’ve spent too many years alone and afraid to care anymore.
When she doesn’t say anything, I lift her head and cradle her face, forcing her to look at me. “When I get out of here tomorrow, I’m coming to see you.”
She lets out a shaky breath. “Sean…please don’t.”
“I’m coming to see you. Ok?” I want to pull her a few inches closer and press my lips to hers to seal the deal, but I know I can’t.
She stares at me for a few long moments before she nods. “Ok. I still might not like you very much.”
“Well, at least I’ve moved up from not liking me at all to not much.” I earn the tiniest, saddest smile. I want to wrap my arms around her and keep her with me. If she’s here, she’s safe and won’t disappear. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She stands and moves toward the door, turning to look at me one more time before pulling it closed. I just need to get through tonight so I can take a chance at rediscovering my hope tomorrow.
Chapter 39
ANDIE
My eyes trace the path of a raindrop as it slides down my window, disappearing as it hits the ledge. The pitter-patter of the soft rain is welcomed company. It echoes the grief and fear I’ve held onto so tightly and might finally be too heavy to carry any longer.
With my fingers resting on the keys of my piano, my heart and head are at war. Sometimes, it seems like they’re fighting the same battle. Other times, it’s as if they’re opponents, ripping each other apart. I’m confused and unsure, and it’s all Sean Greyson’s fault.
I wanted to stay in bed and hide today, maybe forever, where it’s safe and warm, and there’s nothing to fear. Instead, I sit here, standing on what feels like the precipice of defining the rest of my life.
He told me he was coming today. I want to pack up and hide out at Gem’s, so there’s no chance of being here when he shows up. But I’ve planted myself here, waiting, and it’s pure torture.
The little beads of sweat underneath my fingertips, the nervous beat of my heart, and the roll of my stomach are daring me to stay and face him. I want to see him, to know again that he’s ok, and that little fact has me calling my punk of an internal dialog’s bluff.
Seeing Sean lay in the middle of the field and not get up had me reliving the worst day of my life over again and again. Only this time, I had to sit by and watch. I had to wonder if he would be ok, which was maybe even worse. The relief I felt seeing him only made the fear and the need to avoid it come roaring back to life in full force.
Once I knew he was ok, I left his hospital room, letting that fear guide my feet. I wanted to hit the hallway running, but I only got as far as the next door, realizing everything in me wanted to crawl into bed with him just so I could continue proving to myself that he was really all right. To hear him breathe, feel his warmth, and remind myself that this is not the same.
