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My relationship with Josh was hedged by constant worry, and I’m terrified to go back to anything resembling that. Living each day wondering if the person you love, the one you build your life with and around, will be there at the end of it.
So I sit here, having to decide if I’m going to let fear win, keeping me from living and loving, or take the chance Sean asked me to…and stay. Stay and wait for him. Stay and keep my friend. Stay for the possibility of what might be.
I don’t know what I feel for Sean. All I know is watching him lay on that field looking lifeless, and having no way to get to him shoved me down a path, and I’m uncertain where I’m headed. It’s brighter and hopeful but none less scary. There’s the risk of thorns and roots, stumbling, and wrong turns with dire consequences.
When I left his hospital room, I had every intention of turning back down the same familiar, safe way I’d come. But I carried myself back in there, my heart kicking and screaming, begging me not to.
My head knows Sean’s career and life don’t compare to what Josh dedicated himself to, but the worry remains alive. Bad things still happen. People still disappear. Love sometimesdoesn’t last. And despite all the warning bells blaring in my head, I stayed.
I wanted my heart to follow my brain. I wanted it to listen and remember the bad, the pain, the heartbreak, and the devastation. I wanted it to be ok to tell him goodbye and good luck. I wanted to convince him that our lives are too different and that we don’t work.
But lying there, my head on his chest, was the safest I’ve felt in a very long time. It was then that my heart started to overtake the forces of my brain.
Sean was right when he said we can’t promise never to get hurt or that bad things won’t happen. But when they do happen to you, you know the possibility exists. It’s that possibility that makes me want to hunker down somewhere deep and dark and stay there until he gets tired of trying to find me.
The thing is, what really scares me is that I don’t want him to get tired, to give up. I want him to push and keep trying and not let me go back there. He says he needs me, and no matter how much I don’t want to, I think I might need him too.
If I didn’t, this would be so much easier. I could continue to walk my safe, comfortable, easy path. I wouldn’t have to risk a new one, and my heart and my head could shut the hell up.
That’s not the kind of person I want to be. It’s not who I am. I don’t want to live hiding in the past because I’m afraid of what the future might bring. I want to take a chance, and despite the fear and possibility of all that could go wrong, I want to take it with Sean.
He asked me to stay with him, not run and hide. I’m trying really hard. I’m trying to be brave, and I’m doing it for me, Ax, and Gem…and for Sean.
Gem is right. We weren’t meant to live this life alone. He and I have both had enough of that.
So I watch the rain, keeping my butt planted on this bench, hoping to hear the crunch of gravel and be reminded that he’s ok and safe. After all, he’s taking the same chance on me, I’m trying so desperately to let myself take on him.
I hope somewhere along the way, I might figure out where I’m going. And when I do, it’ll be somewhere far better than where I’ve been.
Chapter 40
SEAN
It’s been two hours since I stepped out of the Uber and climbed into my truck at the stadium. I collected my stuff from my locker and sped home to shower. Now, I’m two miles from Andie’s house.
I should be thinking about the concussion protocol and when I’ll be released or possibly traded, but all I can do is wonder what I’ll find when I knock on Andie’s door.
Will she be there? Will she let me in or turn me away? Did what happened yesterday change everything, and she’ll tell me goodbye?
I asked her to stay, to give us a chance, and ever since she left my hospital room yesterday, I’ve thought about this moment. As much as I want to believe she’ll be there, that she’ll let me in, tease me, and give me shit for getting hurt yesterday, my past experiences tell me it’s all wishful thinking.
Outside of my brothers, people only want Sean Greyson, the football player. They don’t want the man who likes calm and quiet, the one who came from the foster system and overcame it. To them, all of that is insignificant and unnecessary, but not to Andie. Not since the day I met her has she ignored me. She called me out. She’s pushed me and helped me find my way back.
Not once has she pitied me or made me feel less than. She’s never looked at me as anything other than Sean. Me, as a whole person, not just the man in the helmet with a big paycheck. I’m scared to knock on her door and find out one more time that I’m not worth it.
My tires hit the gravel of her driveway, and my hands tighten around the steering wheel. I hold my breath as my chest feels like it’s caving in.
Since I stepped out of the group home when I was eighteen, fear hasn’t had a place in my life. I had nothing to lose and the whole world to gain. As I throw my truck into park, fear rolls through me. It's uncomfortable and foreign, but it hasn’t been so long I’ve forgotten what to do about it.
I push my door open and step out. It’s the only way. The fear of rejection will only last until I knock and find out what’s on the other side.
I climb the steps to the soft, smooth tones of the piano. There’s relief in knowing she’s here. As I get closer, Sniper barks, and the music stops. I knock softly, not knowing if Ax is sleeping.
The door swings open, and Andie is holding the little man on her hip, Sniper by her side.
Like an idiot, I just stand there, trying to read her. She’s wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Her hair is bound in a low ponytail, with curls falling around her face. Her eyes are tired.
“Hey.” Ax twists in her arms to see who she’s talking to.
