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“She was, though,” Elizabeth said gently. “In group time, you shared how she used to spend time with you. Before your father left, and she started doing drugs and treating you badly.”
My mind spun, and it took me a while to get the words out.
“We were a family once. My father and Rachel were close, and so were my mom and I. That’s why it hurt so much.” I blinked through the burn of that betrayal. “That she chose the drugs over me.”
“And then the drugs took her away from you completely,” Elizabeth said, her voice soft.
Tears I’d never cried for my mother filled my eyes as I nodded. “Yes. That’s how it feels.”
“It’s okay to be sad that she’s gone. Mad too. It’s okay to mourn her and the loss of what your relationship could have been.”
“I understand,” I said.
“Good.” Elizabeth unclasped her hands and squeezed mine reassuringly. “Let’s talk about something else related to your mother. You said she loved music. That you did too until she died.”
I guessed where Elizabeth was going and corrected her. “It was losing Collin that silenced music for me.”
“I think it was a little more than that,” she said. “I think it’s difficult having someone’s love and then losing it. I think you never allowed yourself to fully mourn your father’s abandonment, your mother’s passing, or Collin’s betrayal. I think you’ve suppressed a lot of those feelings.”
I gave that some serious consideration. “You might be right.”
“Can you talk about that more fully with me?” she asked.
“I’m afraid to. I’m afraid I’m going to end up just like her.”
I’d always feared that,and look at me. What I’d allowed to happen, pregnant like she’d been. With no one to help me, no one at all but myself.
“You never willingly did drugs. You rarely drank. How are you like her?”
“I’m weak,” I said. “I made poor choices. I tried to make good decisions, but I got it all wrong. Especially with the men I chose.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “You’re not weak. Far from it. You were manipulated and taken advantage of. You didn’t have a healthy role model or a support group beyond your sister and your one true friend. Here, you’re developing tools, putting in the effort, and laying the groundwork to make wiser, more informed choices in the future. It takes a very strong person to do all that. To face your demons on your own—not just your abuser, but the ones inside you.”
I hadn’t faced my biggest demon. Martin was still out there. Staying here at Restore House, I was working on myself, but I was also avoiding him. Avoiding the real world. But soon, I’d have to face it.
Working part-time outside these walls was step one of integrating back into society. The next step would be getting my own apartment. Without Elizabeth, Clara, and the others around, without the locked gate and the alarm system, would I feel safe? Would I be safe?
Knocking, Clara stuck her head in the door. “Sorry to interrupt.”
“We’re done for today.” Elizabeth patted my hands. “I gave you a lot to think about, and you did well. A real breakthrough to confront those deeply rooted feelings. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you,” I said.
Her praise was like a seed. I held tightly to the kernel while using the armrests of the chair to push myself to my feet. I planned to plant that seed, to nurture it so it would grow good things inside me.
But all thoughts of planning fled when I noted the brackets of tension around Clara’s mouth.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“Maybe,” she said grimly. “I need you to identify something that just arrived in the mail.”
Addy
“How did Martin find out where I am?” Shaking, I held the receiver of the phone in Clara’s office in my hand.
“I don’t know, dear,” Grace said. “We certainly didn’t tell him. The residents’ information at Restore House is kept confidential.”
“I wonder if he followed me from work.”
