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“I’m not. I mean, I don’t.”
“You took way too much blame for the breakup.”
“Maybe.” Looking back, I could see that I probably did.
“If only you’d come to me after.”
I’d thought about that too. With nothing but an empty apartment to go home to at the end of every day, I did a lot of rehashing the past. Way too many times, I thought about the kiss Barry and I had shared. I reached up, my fingertips ghosting over my lips.
“Don’t say I was too young to help you.”
He was, but I didn’t say it. I didn’t want to make him mad.
I dropped my hand to my side. “I valued your friendship too much to lose it.” That was a big part of the truth.
“How was counseling?” His abrupt change of topic made me blink rapidly.
“Difficult,” I said simply.
And not enough time before it had been interrupted. If I’d had a chance to complete it, would I have learned how to do more than what I’d done with my life? Being productive was something, but I didn’t feel like I was moving forward. It felt like I was stuck in place.
“I’m relieved you went,” Barry said.
More static flared on the line. He was still talking, but I couldn’t make out the words.
“What did you say?” I asked. “The line’s staticky.”
“I said congrats on opening the bar. That’s a huge accomplishment. I wish I could see it. See you.”
“Why can’t you?” Disappointment made my voice raspy.
“In a minute, I’ll explain that.” He exhaled heavily. “Rach is worried about you. Says things are the same as when I left. That you won’t let her close. She’s afraid you’re stuck in a pattern like you were with Martin, but self-isolating this time.”
“I’m okay.” My voice was small. Honestly, I wasn’t okay. But I was the best I could be on my own. “I explained that to her.”
“You say that, but you wouldn’t tell me if you weren’t. Fucking hell, so Rach is right. You’ve got everyone at arm’s length again.”
“I didn’t keep you at arm’s length,” I said quickly, going on the offensive.
I’d let Barry closer than Collin. Closer than anyone. All that looking back made it difficult, if not impossible, to move forward. But it gave me insight.
“No, you didn’t before Martin,” he said. “And all those glimpses into your heart made it impossible not to fall for you.”
“What?” My heart started beating way too fast.
“You heard me.”
“I must have heard wrong.” I was shaking, and it was difficult to hear him over the fluttering inside my chest.
“Hear me, Adelaide Lucy Footit, and hear me well. I’ve been falling for you since the day we met. You saw that I was hurting with the other kids taunting me about my old man, and unlike all the rest, you stopped. You shared about your mom so I wouldn’t feel alone in my suffering. And then you stayed by my side through all the difficult days that followed.”
“Anyone would do that.”
Barry scoffed. “Not anyone. Not hardly. You ... you accepted me. You loved me. You gave me a place to belong. Even couch surfing, I was the happiest I’d ever been because I knew love wasn’t a place, it was you. You were my home.”
Oh my God.
I dropped to the floor, my legs going out from under me, but I clutched the phone. Even with just a verbal connection, he steadied me.
