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I sighed, knowing that we were never going to get anywhere unless we spoke about things. “Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Is that what you want? Because from my recollection I said that a thousand times already and it’s never enough.”
“Is sorry going to bring her back?” he spat, with all the venom and bitterness he had been saving up over the years. The emotions had taken such a hold of him that he was trembling. I wetted my lower lip and looked towards the lake. The water was still now, like glass. It was as though we had never crashed into it at all. I wished that sometimes we could leave as little of an impact as this.
“No, it’s not. And I think about it every day, Brett. But in the end, leaving was all I could do, and I’m sorry that I had to come back and remind you about it, but the fate of the planet isat stake and right now life has to be about the people left behind, not the ones we have already lost.”
“So, we’re just supposed to forget about her, is that it?” He looked at me with accusation in his eyes. It was as though no time had passed at all from the last time, I had seen him like this, in that fateful moment when I had returned with my head hanging and my shoulders slumped. Shame had draped over me like a cloak, but I was still the fortunate one because I was the one who survived.
“No, Brett. We’re not supposed to forget about her. I’ll never forget about her. I know you might think that I’m heartless and that I don’t care about anything, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I think about her every day, and I still regret that I’m the one that returned because she was always better than me.”
“Yes, she was, but you had other ideas. You couldn’t just let things be, could you?” Brett’s tongue lashed like a whip, and I flinched at his words, but I wasn’t just about to stand there and let him barrage me like this. “You always had to interfere. You couldn’t just let me have this one thing. It always had to be about you.”
“That’s not fair. It wasn’t like that.”
“Wasn’t it? Because that’s the way I remember it. Buck always had to be the star. Buck always had to be the golden boy. Buck always got what he wanted, and when someone else had a bit of shine, woe betide them because Buck was going to cast them into shadow again.”
“That’s not fair Brett. You know it wasn’t like that,” I said in a terse voice.
“Yes, it was! You knew I loved her, and you just couldn’t let me have her? You couldn’t let me have that one shred of happiness! We were friends, we were brothers… and you just laughed behind my back.”
His words rang out in the night, rushing over the lake. The silence was shattered, and the beauty of the night was marred by these ugly memories. He stared at me, his entire body rigid with tension. I gulped and let the moment pass, feeling as though he needed to process these emotions. I turned towards the lake, staring out at the stretch of water. The moon and the stars were reflected in it, as was my own image. It was a vast, hazy mirror and as I gazed at myself, I began to wonder where all the years had gone. The whispers of the past swirled around me. They were a constant companion, and I couldn’t help but be rooted there, and yet I kept trying to pull myself free.
It must have been the same for Brett as well. We probably had more in common than we realized, but it was time to be done with all this. We were together again after all this time so I might as well say what I needed to say.
“You can’t just blame me for that Brett. There were two people involved,” I said quietly, closing my eyes as I braced myself for the barrage of emotions that would follow.
He cursed me and yelled at me. He berated me and I remained stoic as I let him get it out of his system. It was only when he grabbed me by the shoulder and turned me around that I pushed him away.
“I know you don’t want to hear it,” I said, “but it’s true. I think all this anger you’re directing at me is meant for her, part of it at least.”
Brett stepped back, as though I had just struck him. He looked bereft and I hated seeing him like this, but it was the only way to move forward. “You don’t know that. If it wasn’t for you, she wouldn’t have been out there…”
“She would have found a way. She was a wild spirit, like me. I know that you loved her, and I’m sorry for the way I acted. I was young and unwise. I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions, and I didn’t put you first when I should have.But the fact is that she was there because she chose to be there. I didn’t force her. I didn’t cast some magic spell. She wanted a thrill, and she came to me for that, not you. So yeah, be angry at me, Brett, but if you’re going to be angry at me, then you have to be angry at her as well because we both made a choice that night, and it just happened that she was the one who suffered for it. I’m sorry that I came back instead of her, but there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s nothing anyone can do about it, but if you keep living in the past like this, then you’re only going to hurt yourself. And it’s not really fair to her either to build her into this person she wasn’t. If you’re going to remember her, then at least remember who she really was, not this idealized version that you wish she had been.”
A soft moan slipped out of Brett’s mouth. He suddenly lost all his strength and fell to the ground. Water seeped out of him, leaving a dark stain on the ground. I joined him. We stayed in silence for a while.
“I keep thinking about that night, wishing that I had said something different, wishing that I had gone with you. I spent so long hating you Buck, but maybe I hated myself as well. Maybe I just hate everything.”
He bowed his head and I felt genuine pity. “Yeah well, there’s plenty of that going around. You haven’t been the only one. Everyone else hated me for it as well. I was the easy one to blame.”
“You didn’t have to stay away for this long,” he sniffed. He picked up a loose pebble and flung it towards the lake. It skimmed once and then disappeared under the surface.
“Who would have wanted me back? I was nothing but a disappointment to Dad.”
Brett wore a wry grin and he let out a dry laugh. “No, you weren’t. He really missed you at the end. If he didn’t have thethunder to take care of, then I think he would have gone to look for you.”
I glanced at Brett, surprised to hear this. “Really?”
Brett nodded. He put his hand to the ground and traced a circle, bowing his head. “It’s stupid really, but it was another reason why I hated you. There I was, the devout boy willing to do anything for him, eager to repay him for the kindness he had shown me, but I could never replace you. After you left, I thought… I thought maybe I could be like a real son to him, and he could be like a real father, but it wasn’t ever like that. When he looked at me, he just saw all the things that you weren’t, and it only served to remind him of you. I was only ever going to be the boy he saved, not his son.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I mumbled. “You meant a lot to him. He wouldn’t have adopted just anyone.”
“Oh, I know I meant a lot, but there was still some distance between us. We didn’t share the same blood, and after you left, something changed in Zeke. There was some kind of emptiness, like a hole that could never be filled. I tried to show him that I could be just as good as you, but it was like a part of him had died. And then, to top it all off, when he died, he spared his last words for you.”
I looked up at Brett sharply, my ears pricking up. It had stung deeply to learn that Dad had died while I had been away. I wished more than anything that I could have been there at the end, to see him one last time. “What did he say?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the truth.
Brett pursed his lips. “He said that if you ever came back then you should know how proud he was of you, and that he’s sorry, and that you always have a place in the thunder. He said that you should know you will always be his son, no matter what happens.”
They were tender words. I bowed my head. I felt heat in my eyes. A single tear rolled down my cheek. I was unable to stop it.
