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“And the other one was too eager to leave the past behind,” Kadie said.
I smiled, finding irony in the fact that perhaps I might have been a better fit for the other thunder after all.
“I suppose neither of us have been able to escape from it, not really,” I said.
She nodded and became silent. She looked into the distance, dipping her head down. Her eyelids were hooded. The light caught her in such a way that she looked ephemeral, and I became overwhelmed with emotion. I saw every strand of hair, every eyelash, and I clearly noticed the way her lips parted. She looked so gentle. All I wanted to do was be close to her. I wanted to take her hand in mine and whisper to her that everything was going to be well. I wanted to share my vision with her and show her that sometimes these things did come true, and I found myself possessed by a courage that I could not deny. I was seized by this energy and so I leaned towards her, ready to kiss her.
But then, she spoke.
“I’m scared,” she confessed.
I settled back down; the haze cleared from my mind. She looked so fragile, as though, if I touched her, she would suddenly shatter into a thousand tiny pieces, and it would be impossible to put her together again. And yet, I knew deep down, she wasn’tlike this. No dragon was. We were all strong, and the fact that she had defied her own kind to come to find us because she felt morally compelled to do so indicated that she had a mighty heart, one that was worthy of worship.
“What are you scared of?” I asked.
She wore a helpless look on her face as she turned both palms skyward and exhaled as she dropped them to the ground. “Everything. I’m scared I made a mistake by leaving my people. I’m scared that they’re going to hurt me. I’m scared that nothing can be done to stop them. What if this is it? What if this is the way the world is going to end?”
I would be lying if I said I had no misgivings, but I did not want her to fall into this abyss of bitter thinking. “I don’t think it is going to end this way, at least not without us having something to say about it. You found us. We can try and stop Ilvar, and with the wisdom of your vision, we might have an advantage as well. It’s going to be okay Kadie. You found us. I don’t think our lives are going to end just yet. I don’t know about you, but I have plenty more things that I’d like to accomplish,” I wore a slanted smile, hoping to amuse her. A faint trace of humor shimmered upon her face, but I knew I needed to do more. I thought I should take a risk. The more time I spent with her, the more I became certain of something that I had previously been unsure of. All this time, there had been something festering inside me, but she offered clarity. It was as though I had been standing on a precipice, afraid to take a step off, and dragons should never be afraid. I needed to spread my wings and take a risk, to trust the air to lift me up and allow me to soar.
“I know these visions can sometimes be clouded, and often the meaning can be difficult to discern. They do not always come true in the way we envision them. I know because I speak from experience myself. I do not know how much Mason and Buck have told you about our past, but a long time ago I had a visionas well. I had a vision of a girl I was going to fall in love with, and I thought that I had found her.” A shadow fell over my face as I thought of her, of this past that wrapped around my heart like chains. For the first time in a long time, it felt as though I could break free of them.
“I think I was mistaken though. I think I had to wait a little longer for that girl. In fact,” I paused, “I think that girl might even be you.” My words lingered in the air. My heart beat rapidly, thundering against my ribcage. Pressure pressed against my skull. Once the words had escaped, there was no taking them back. I was seized by this madness caused by the promise that had been shown to me years before. Suddenly, it made sense why things hadn’t worked out with Tammy. It wasn’t that fate had been wrested from me, it was that we had never been meant to be in the first place.
But Kadie and I…
I took a risk and reached out my hand, seeking her palm and her fingers. When my own brushed against hers, I was filled with this light feeling, and it was almost as though I was floating already. A hazy smile widened on my face and I leaned in, seeking to show her that there could be truth in these visions, seeking to offer her solace and comfort and something more, something deeper, something warmer.
But she pulled away. It was a small flinch, yet to me it felt as though she was wrenching away the entire world and a chasm appeared between us. She put her hands in her lap and turned her gaze away.
“Oh, Brett… it’s so kind of you to feel this way, but I’ve only just met you and I… I’m not that type of girl,” she said, blushing. I wanted to ask her what type of girl that was. I wanted to ask her what kind of man she thought I was. Did she really think I was like Buck, eager to spend the night drowning in a miasma of flesh and then moving on when dawn arrived? The only kind ofgirl I wanted was the one capable of falling in love, but maybe it had already happened. Maybe Buck had gotten there first.
I felt like I was going to throw up. Shame seeped through every part of me, and my gut twisted. I felt like a fool, and I wished I possessed the ability to travel through time so that I might go back a few moments and ignore this impulse. I tried to think of something I might say to Kadie to salvage the situation, but she was already rising, already suggesting that we return to talk about our plans moving forward.
And I could do nothing but agree.
Chapter Seventeen
Mason
“So, you and Brett are on good terms again then?” I asked.
Buck rolled his shoulders. “I don’t know whether we’re ever going to be on good terms, but I think we can work together. It’s clear he’s never going to fully trust me though, and that’s just another reason why I can’t be the leader. I already walked away once. I can’t expect you all to accept me,” he replied.
“But you’re Zeke’s son,” I said weakly, knowing it wasn’t going to make any difference.
“And I wasn’t very good at that, so what makes you think I would be good at leading you?” he said, shaking his head. “No, I only came back because I thought it was important. As soon as this is over, I’ll leave again. If I stay, I’ll only cause trouble.”
“That’s not true. It’s not been the same without you Buck.”
He grinned at me, and, in that moment, I was taken back to a time when we were younger, when he would suggest something and that smirk would make it seem like a good idea. “I bet it’s been a lot more peaceful.”
“Well… yeah,” I admitted, “but there’s also been something missing. Brett would say so as well, although you might have to pin him down to get him to admit it first. But we’ve missed something, some driving force. And are you really happy out there? Is the human world really that much better than life here?”
He turned away from me. The air was gentle around us. “It’s not better it’s just… it’s different. There’s always something going on. There are always new people to meet, new places to go. I just feel… I feel restrained here. It’s the same thing everyday. I need excitement. I need a thrill. There’s so much stuff to discover out there.”
“But is it really worth turning your back on your people? Have you even managed to make any real connections in the human world? Do you have a family? Do you have anyone you’ve fallen in love with?”
The question hung in the air so long that I wondered if he had heard me. Eventually he replied.
