Page 132 of You Are Not Me


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I shrugged and nodded, squinting into the setting sun.

We sat in silence for a while, Mike’s muscled body a solid presence next to me. I wished he’d say something to break the tension, but he was silent. And when he finally did speak, I wished he’d just kept his mouth shut.

“He’s in love with you too, isn’t he?”

My throat closed up, and my heart got stuck trying to exit my mouth. I covered my face.

“Sarah won’t talk to me about it. But I’m not stupid.”

“No, you’re not,” I whispered.

“I don’t like the way Adam’s been treating you. And I don’t like seeing Leslie treated that way either.”

“I hate it. I hate it so much, and I can’t do it anymore.”

Mike was quiet for a minute, and then he said gently, “I saw you this summer with your friends. I don’t think you saw me, though. You were walking down the Strip with your gay pals, and you looked happy. The happiest I’d ever seen you.” He smiled sadly. “I was proud you’d found people you weren’t ashamed to be yourself with.”

My eyes stung, and my breath came in ugly, shaking gasps.

He shrugged. “I’d hoped that you’d be honest with us too.”

“I wanted to be, but…”

“But you can’t because Adam’s not just a friend, right?”

“He loves her.” I groaned. “That’s not a lie.”

“But he’s with you too, isn’t he?”

“It doesn’t matter now. I don’t love him anymore.” My voice broke, and my heart, so numb all afternoon, shattered. “We’re through. It’s over.”

“Are you sure?”

I couldn’t stop the tears, my shoulders shaking as I convulsed with sobs. All my anger was eclipsed by hurt and shame, waves of sadness, and a deep, coring pain.

We sat together for a long time, and Mike let me cry.

I wanted to ask him what he was going to do, or if he was going to say anything to Leslie. I wanted to tell him about Daniel and how I wasn’t sure if he’d ever forgive me. I wanted to tell him I was afraid Adam had fucked me without a condom. I wanted to spill my guts, totally and completely, like I’d never spilled them before.

But I couldn’t stop crying.

When I’d finally calmed down to a few hiccups and a snotty nose, I said, “It’s over between me and Adam. I swear.”

“Why should I believe you?” he asked sadly.

“Because I’m done, Mike. I can’t do it anymore, and I won’t. I don’t love him now. Not like that. Not ever again.” How did love die? In fits and starts and then all at once. Out like a light. Poof.

Mike put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I believe you. He broke your heart good, didn’t he?”

My chin trembled, but I fought back another wave of tears.

“These Algedis, man.” He spoke conspiratorially. “They do what it takes to get what they want. I know who I’m dating, and I know her brother. I understand how you got caught up in it, Peter. It’s not your fault.”

I shook my head. “Bullshit. I was selfish too.”

“Maybe. But they have a way of manipulating people into wanting what they want them to want.”

“Then why are you with her?”

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