Page 38 of You Are Not Me


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“I’ve seen stupider.”

I snorted and thought of Minty in his dress trying to climb the tree on the Hill up at UT and going on about moonbeams. I remembered my own declaration the night before that Daniel was beautiful. He was being nice again. “I doubt that.”

“Oh, but it’s true.”

“Well, thanks for helping me. I appreciate it.” I also wished he’d never seen me that way.

“No problem. It was my pleasure.”

I laughed. “Because you wanted to spend the night in Renée’s dressing room making sure a drunk passed-out idiot didn’t choke on his own vomit?”

Daniel chuckled. “Well, no. But it turns outCry to Heavenis a pretty good book.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, except for the ending.” Daniel cleared his throat. “Anyway, I’m calling to ask you something.”

My heart beat faster. If he asked me out, I should say no. I had a boyfriend. But my boyfriend had a girlfriend. That confused everything—especially when it came to what I wanted and what I could have.

My stomach twisted again. For all I knew, Adam would dump me when he found out what had happened last night. He’d have every right. I’d cheated on him. Hadn’t I? I didn’t know for sure because I didn’t know the rules when the guy you loved was screwing someone else. When he said he loved her. When he didn’t want to stop.

If I were being honest with myself, Adam would probably dump me in the fall anyway. No matter what he said, no matter how many promises he made, no matter how much he loved me, what did it really mean when he loved Leslie too? When they were going to the same college hours away?

In an instant, I decided: if Daniel asked me out, I’d say yes. What did I have to lose?

“Peter?” he asked, checking in. I’d been silent too long.

“Ask away,” I said breathlessly.

“Do you remember everything that happened last night?”

What did that have to do with going on a date with him? I pushed my glasses up on my nose and tried to think. My heart dropped to my toes. Hewasn’tasking me out. I was an idiot.

I managed to reply, “Everything that happened last night? Between you and me?” I remembered talking to him at the bar, and then he’d gone off with another guy.His date.I blurted, “Oh, man. Did babysitting me ruin your date? I’m so sorry.”

Daniel laughed strangely and said, “No. My date was over before Barry and I found you. But thanks for your concern.”

I paced back and forth in front of the phone, tugging at my hair and grimacing. “But you seemed to really like the guy.”

Never mind thatIhadn’t liked seeing himwiththe guy. Which wasn’t right or fair. I needed to getI Have a Boyfriendtattooed on the inside of my wrist so I could read it over and over. I seemed to have a hard time remembering what that meant anymore.

“He was okay. But you didn’t answer my question—do you remember everything that happened last night? Sometimes with GHB, especially mixed with alcohol, there are memory gaps. I just wanted to make sure you remember the whole night.”

I was quiet. A jumble of images and sensations slammed through me, including weird sliding time-jumps that seemed to indicate blanks in my memory.

I fiddled with the cord of the phone. “I don’t remembereverything. Why? Did I do something really bad?”

My heart pounded wildly. Had I let one of the guys fuck me? Had I fuckedthem? Had we used condoms? Blue and green dots swam in front of my eyes. Surely I wouldn’t have done that, no matter how fucked up I’d been. Right?

“Oh my God, I did something awful, didn’t I? Holy fuck.”

“Peter, don’t panic.”

“I’m panicking,” I said. “I’m totally panicking.”

“Well, stop.”

“I can’t stop.” My eyes burned, my throat ached, and I paced frantically. “When you and Barry found me, what was I doing?”

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