Page 62 of You Are Not Me


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Pop music piped in overhead, and I wished we hadn’t gotten to the show so early.

She sucked on her straw, rattling the ice in her soda. “Are you living at home with your folks or in the dorms?”

“Staying home. Money.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. You won’t have as much freedom.”

I shrugged. My parents hadn’t seemed worried when I came in at four in the morning, not after I told them I’d been with Robert. He’d thoroughly charmed them both. “Oh well. That’s life.”

“And what if you get a special someone?” she asked, a sly smile twisting her lips. “How’ll you have any privacy?”

“I’ll figure something out.”

At least I had in the past. After all, I’d had plenty of sex with Leslie’s boyfriend in my very own bedroom at my parents’ house. We’d done it more often there than at Adam’s because of Sarah’s interference.

My face grew hot, and I fidgeted in my seat. I hated every part of our lies so much. Why’d I agree to come to the movies with Leslie? I should have told her something, anything, even something mean—whatever it took to keep from sitting next to her feeling like an asshole again.

Leslie laughed and winked. “You’re so shy about this stuff, aren’t you? Adam’s not shy at all. Not about wanting privacy. He’s adamant about us getting plenty of that.”

My gut knotted up, and the popcorn lurched into my throat. I didn’t want to know anything about it. I already knew way too much.

The lights dimmed, and the clicking sound of the projector in the back of the theater alerted us to the start of the trailers.

“Can’t believe we’re the only ones in here,” Leslie whispered.

“Why? This movie’s been out over a month. I’m surprised it’s still running.”

She scoffed. “It’s got Bill Murray in it. Who doesn’t love Bill Murray?”

The new surround-sound system blasted a suggestion that we all visit the concession stand again before the movie started, and then I was saved from any more uncomfortable conversation by a series of flashy, loud trailers.

During the movie, Leslie’s happy laughter next to me was a bristle brush on my exposed nerves. Bill Murray played his usual irascible character, but I couldn’t find any joy in it.

My heart and mind raced with thoughts of the coming autumn. Sitting in the theater beside Leslie, filled with agonizing shame, I knew I couldn’t do it again next year.

My hands shook as I reached into the bag for popcorn. I laughed when she did, afraid she’d notice if I didn’t at least fake it. I fidgeted in my seat so much I was surprised she didn’t tell me to calm down. I was a snake trying to crawl back into the skin it’d shed weeks ago.

Being around Leslie didn’t fit. Not anymore. Not ever. I’d lied my way into her friendship, and even now I betrayed her trust.

Leslie laughed with her mouth wide and her eyes shut tight. It tugged on my heart how beautiful she was. I longed to take her picture laughing just like that, but I didn’t have my camera, and I hadn’t earned it. I didn’t deserve any part of her friendship, especially not her best parts.

The popcorn didn’t want to stay down, but I kept swallowing it, forcing it back into my gut with gulps of Coke and air.

When the credits rolled, I jumped up, rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans. “Ready?”

“Sure,” she said, her pretty blue eyes sparkling. “That was great, wasn’t it?”

“Hilarious.”

She didn’t challenge me or seem to notice my enjoyment had been faked. If I seemed twitchy to her, she didn’t let it show. She swung her purse cheerfully as we headed out to the parking lot.

“We should do this again,” she said, grinning up at me. “Adam’s best girl and his best friend hanging out. The way it should be.”

Cold sweat broke out in the small of my back, and I wiped the back of my hand over my upper lip, saying nothing.

She unlocked her car door, and we started back home. As she neared the turn toward my neighborhood, she asked, “Hey, why don’t you come to my house for dinner tomorrow? Adam’s supposed to call around seven.”

“But it’ll be one in the morning there…”

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