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Daniel rocked me back and forth, his breath coming heavy against my hair, and his heart pounding hard enough I could feel it too. “Idon’t trust me. I was so close to coming inside you. It was terrifying.”
“But you’re negative.”
“I know—”
“And you’re faithful to me, and I’m faithful to you. We could do this. We could have it.”
“No,” Daniel whispered. “It’s too risky.”
“You’re not being logical.”
He pulled away from me then, taking a step back. “I said no.”
I rubbed my eyes, noting that my contacts felt a little gritty. I needed to take better care of them. “I’m not trying to pressure you to do something you don’t want to do.”
“Yes, you are!”
My voice raised. “Youwantto do this! You’ve said so! Over and over!”
Were we fighting? Were we really arguing now overthis?Over the most beautiful thing I’d ever shared with another person? That skin-on-skin closeness, the knowledge that he was in me, nothing keeping us apart, our cells touching.
Daniel pulled on some boxers, then some pants, and stood across the room from me, the backlighting from the window making his face hard to read.
I tugged my hand through my still damp hair and sighed. “I don’t want to fight about it.”
“I don’t either.” He was still rigid, though, as if he wasn’t sure he was safe, like I might yell at him or hurt him in some way.
“I’m sorry,” I said, reaching for him. He stepped closer, still wary. When I had him in my arms again, I said, “I loved what we did. I don’t want to ruin it by fighting about it.”
“I…” Daniel ducked his head, resting it on my shoulder. I pressed my cheek against his damp hair. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“You’re right. It’s been a fantasy of mine for so long.” He groaned. “And I’ve fought against it so hard. I shouldn’t crave this. It’s not necessary to feel close. We can be just as in love and have great sex without ever doing that. We shouldn’t have done it at all.”
“Don’t get mad,” I said, pulling back so that we could look at each other. “But, seriously,whyshouldn’t we do it? We’re both negative. We’re together—truly together, right?”
“Yes.”
“And you trust me?”
Daniel swallowed hard, his eyes darting away.
“You don’t trust me?”
“I do,” he said, but it didn’t sound true. “I trust you.”
I wished I didn’t feel so gut-punched by how little I believed him. I knew why he had trouble trusting. I understood it. I got why I seemed like a bad risk to him—after everything I’d put him through, and everything he knew I’d lied about the year before—but I also knew I was faithful to him.
“I know your mom has made it hard for you to trust anyone. She’d tell you she was sober, promise you all kinds of things, and then go get drunk. But I’m not your mom.”
“I know that.” His voice was gruff.
“I want to be with you andonly you. I want to feel you like that. You cried last night when you were in me bare, and I know it was because you felt the power of it as much as I did.”
“Peter…” His voice sounded anguished, as if I were Satan showing him the most delectable of temptations.
“But I won’t ask again,” I said. “It’ll be your choice if we ever do that—halfway like we did last night, or all the way like I’m willing to do with you.”
