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“Halfway?”
“Not coming in me. All the way would be letting you come inside.”
“Baby—”
“I trust you. I know you’re dedicated to me. But if you won’t orcan’tgive that to me, then that’s okay too. I’ll be happy without it. I love you, Daniel. This isn’t a deal-breaker for me. I just wanted to be clear about what I’m open to in this relationship. At its core, this is about trust, and I understand why you don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you.”
“I know.” Because he did. He trusted me in most of the ways that mattered day-to-day. But with this one thing, he didn’t trust me. It hurt, but I understood. I didn’t want him doing anything he didn’t want to do.
I told him that.
“But I do want it,” he whispered.
“Yeah, you do,” I said, sliding a hand around to the back of his neck and bringing him down to kiss his lips. “It’s all right. We’re okay. Don’t worry about it anymore.” I pulled away. “I need to go. I have class and a test tomorrow, and that paper and project are due on Monday. I’m not prepared.”
Daniel followed me to the front door, and when I turned to give him another goodbye hug, he looked miserable. My stomach twisted up. I hadn’t meant to do that to him, to make him feel guilty and sad. What we’d done was so beautiful, and I wanted more of it, but not this way.
“I’ll see you Friday? After my shift at the library?”
“You could stay here this week,” he said. “It’s closer to school.”
“I could, but we both know I’d spend more time studying ways to make your dick fit into my ass than I would studying Psychology.”
“Friday’s Robert and Barry’s party,” he reminded me.
“We’ll go to it,” I said, gripping his chin and bringing him down for yet another kiss, trying to take the sting of the conversation away before I left him for four days. “Then afterward, we’ll come home and decorate, just like you wanted.”
I headed toward the Volvo, and when I looked back after opening the driver’s-side door, I saw Daniel in the doorway, holding Milky Way against his shirtless chest. He looked sad, and I hated leaving him like that.
“Don’t worry!” I called to him. “It’s all right.”
He waved as I drove away, and I hoped I hadn’t lied. Everythinghadto be all right, because what we had together was too good to get screwed up over something like this. I didn’tneedto have him that much closer—the micrometer of a condom’s width—to love him with all my heart.
I knew he felt the same.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
‡
Friday after work,I met Daniel at his house, eager to see him and excited to be almost done with school for the semester.
He met me in the driveway and gave me a big hug, kissing my neck and cheek, and then my lips. That was one thing I loved about the new house. Unlike at my parents’, the driveway was private, with shrubs on all sides, and no neighbors across the street. Instead, there was a private park with a bike trail that no one ever seemed to take.
“Long time, no see,” he breathed, rubbing our noses together. “I missed you.”
It’d just been four days, and we’d talked every night, but it was still true. “I missed you, too.”
We kissed again, and he took my backpack from my hands, carrying it and my overnight bag into the house. “Milky Way!” I said, getting down on my knees to pet her and let her lick my face. When she calmed down, I stood up and marveled. “You didn’t wait to get started, did you?”
The living room and kitchen were already strewn with colored lights, and the mantel had greenery on it, as well as a wreath on the wall above the TV. A big, fresh Christmas tree stood off to the side in what looked like a temporary location, with lights on, but no decorations, and a few presents beneath it.
“I figured I’d get some of it out of the way, so we’d have more time, just the two of us.”
“But before it’s just the two of us, we’ve got that party, right?”
“Yeah,” Daniel smiled, gesturing at his button-up shirt. It was green and covered with candy canes. “Think it’s hot?”
