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After taking photosfor hours, making mental plans about where and how I wanted to take pictures of myself, deciding on the theme of “joy in the male form,” I felt challenged, scared, but also certain that I could pull it off, and also thatIwas the right model for this project.
Finding joy in myself, my body, my gayness, and my pleasure was something I was determined to do, and the idea of photographing my journey made me feel proud and strong.
As I pulled into my driveway, the sun having long set, I remembered Adam. I’d managed to push him from my mind, but now it all came flooding back. I hesitated before opening my car door, worried that he might be waiting in the shadows again. I didn’t like to admit his persistence scared me, but it did. What did he need to hear before he believed it was over?
I walked into the house with my senses on high alert for movement or sound, and then quickly locked the door behind me. Milky Way came running and I scooped her up, rubbing my cheek against her fur. She wriggled in my arms, struggling to get around to lick at my face.
“You’re home. Good,” Mom said, coming out from the kitchen with string cheese. Milky Way renewed her struggles, but this time to get down and hopefully score a treat. I put Milky Way down and she scampered to Mom.
“What’s up?” I asked, worried that maybe Adam had harassedhertoday.
“Daniel called again. He wanted you to call him when you got back,” Mom said, sighing at Milky Way. “She’s sweet, but a demanding little thing. I already gave her cheese earlier. You can’t have more,” she said to the white furball at her feet. “Peter, deal with the dog, please.”
I called Milky Way into the kitchen, giving Mom a chance to escape into her office. “It’d be better if she didn’t give you any cheese at all,” I said, stooping to pet Milky Way’s head.
Daniel picked up on the second ring, almost as if he’d been sitting by the phone, which, as it turned out, he had been. “I’ve missed you,” he said. “I didn’t want to miss your call, so I’ve been reading in my room next to the phone.”
“I keep forgetting there’s a phone in the bedroom.”
“Ineverybedroom,” Daniel said with a laugh. “My grandparents believe in the power of communication. They had to disconnect the one in Kennedy’s room, though. She was placing random outbound calls for fun.”
“Oh, man.”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “She’s something else. Anyway, hi.”
“Hi.”
“Like I said, I’ve been missing you. I regret not stealing one of your sweaters for this trip, so I’d at least have something that smelled like you.”
“I could mail you one. Get it good and sweaty first and then send it down.”
He laughed again. “See? You’re good for me. I needed to laugh right now.”
“How are things?”
“Rough. The kids are upset, of course. Mom looks like hell.” He sighed. “She keeps begging me to talk my grandparents out of going for custody, but, God, Peter…” I could almost hear him raking his hand through his hair anxiously. “I just can’t. I can’t put them through this anymore. I grew up with it, and they shouldn’t have to go through it too. I know she loves them, but she can’t do what it takes to mother them. I know it’s the addiction. It’s not that she’s a bad person, or even a bad mom, but I won’t let them live the way I lived.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I feel like a traitor, but I love my brother and sister. I have to do this, even if it hurts my mom.”
“You do. It’s hard, but it’s the right thing.”
“Is it?”
“Yeah,” I reassured him. “I think it is.”
“Thank you. I know it’s true, but I just needed someone who isn’t involved in this mess to say it. So thank you.”
“Always.”
Daniel let out another heavy sigh. “But enough about that. What’s going on with you?”
I hesitated, the recent memories of Adam on my front stoop rearing up, stressful and ugly in my mind. I decided to lighten the mood with the good news first. I told him about my conversation with Harold.
“That’s amazing,” he said. “I’m not surprised at all. You’re such a talented photographer. That’s why I got a darkroom for you. Have you had a chance to use it yet?”
