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“Yesterday,” I told him. “It had everything I needed. I developed some great pictures of you. I’ll probably go back tomorrow. I was out all day today grabbing shots.”
“Your mom said you were out yesterday afternoon too?”
“I was, but…those shots ended up…I didn’t want to develop them after all. I destroyed the film.”
“Destroyed the film? That sounds dramatic. What happened?”
It was my turn to let out a heavy sigh. “Well, when I got home the night before last, after leaving your place, Adam was waiting on my front stoop.”
A heavy beat of silence fell before Daniel said, “Oh? What was he doing there? Wait, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. He was here because he wants to get back together.”
Daniel’s silence was loud.
“I told him no way, of course,” I said, my breath coming in funny little pants. I giggled nervously, as if I were lying. My heart jolted, and my palms went sweaty. “I told him to leave.”
“Good.”
“But he didn’t go right away. He told me he’d ended things with Leslie, that she knew everything about us, and he’d chosen me.” I laughed again, and this time it sounded painfully tight. “Right. He’d chosen me. Like I’m a piece of candy he can just pick out of a batch.”
Daniel stayed silent.
My scalp and armpits broke out into a sweat. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Crazy, isn’t it? That he’d think he could just show up, and I’d fall into his arms.”
“Is it crazy?”
“Yes!” Everything was coming out strange. I took a slow breath, trying to calm myself. Daniel wasn’t angry. Everything was fine. It was all going to be okay. “I don’t love him, and I don’t care if he’s come clean with Leslie. All I know is he makes me miserable. Just seeing him for a few minutes yesterday made everything go dark, and when I went out to take pictures, I found myself taking all kinds of ugly, sad shots. It was just like last year. Being near him? Remembering it all? It just makes me hate myself.”
“Peter…”
“I’m sorry. You’ve got so much going on in your life. You don’t need this, too.”
“What is ‘this,’ though?” Daniel asked, his voice quiet. “Is there a ‘this?’”
“No. The only ‘this’ is just how stressful it was to see him. That’s all there is.”
“I know that.” He didn’t sound like he did, though. “You’re right. I’m going through a lot right now, and I’m…” He paused, like he was gathering courage. “I’m scared. Because of my mom, because of what I’m doing here, the testimony I’m going to give against her.” He took in a shaky breath. “And I’m also scared because of what we did together the other night, what we shared, and how vulnerable that makes me feel.”
“Daniel,” I breathed. “What we did was sacred to me, but if you never want to do that again then—”
“That’s not the issue. It’s trust. Right now, I’m torn up about what it evenmeansto trust someone. My mom thought she could trustme, and now I’m helping her lose her kids. I’ve alwayswantedto trust my mom, but she’s proven to me so many times that I can’t.”
“Daniel…”
“I want—no, Ineed—to trust you, and I do.I do.But right now, with everything? I feel like, I feel like—” He broke off and I wanted to crawl into the phone, down the line, and into his brain to take out whatever horrible thoughts he was having.
“I know you’re scared,” I said, sliding down to the floor to sit with my back against the wall. “But I’m not going anywhere with anyone. Not Adam. Not anyone else at all. Understand? I’m not even tempted. Not even a little.”
“I know. I believe you. But you loved him so much.”
“Loved. Past tense.”
“He was your first love.”
“You’remy love,” I said. “You. I love you. Please don’t let this come between us. It’d just be letting him ruin something else in my life, and he doesn’t deserve that power.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” He huffed. “For a minute, I was being selfish.”
