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“You think he’s going to hurt you?”
“No. But I’m going to hurt him. He still loves me and being near him? It’s going to hurt him.”
“It’s going to hurt him more to feel abandoned by everyone he ever loved.”
“For two days,” I reminded him.
“Even one day of that kind of loneliness is too long. Look, I have no affection for him, and no reason not to want to see him suffer after what he put you through… But being here, dealing with this shit with my mom…” Daniel groaned. “It’s too ugly to wish pain on anyone at all. Even my rival for your heart.”
“He’s not your rival. He has no chance.”
“I love you,” Daniel said. “I want you to be happy. Please, baby, deal with all of this now. Be a person you can look back on in ten years and not wish you’d done it differently. For any reason at all.”
I didn’t want to go back to my house and face Adam again. But Daniel was right. I was running away from feelings I didn’t want to face.
“All right.”
“And if he threatens you, call the police.”
“He won’t.”
“Well, if he does…”
“I will.”
We sat on the line in silence again, and I whispered, “I miss you. I love you so much. I want you home.”
“Me too, baby. I want to be home.”
“Soon,” I said.
“Tomorrow.”
“Yeah, tomorrow.”
I took a long nap in Daniel’s bed—the sheets did still smell like him—before heading back to my parents’ house. I drove into the sunset, Christmas Day ending with a red-coral sky, and the threat of rain.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
‡
Ireturned tothe house right as dinner was being put out. Ragu spaghetti sauce and some noodles Dad had located in the back of the cupboard.
Mom met me at the doorway. “He’s upstairs. He has been all day. Your dad’s checked on him twice, and he’s all right. See if you can get him to come eat, will you?”
I took the stairs slowly, trying to compose myself. When I realized what I was doing—shoving my feelings down, hoping to avoid them—I stopped in the middle, looked down, and remembered being fucked hard and fast there when Adam first returned from Rome.
Ghosts of us cluttered this house.
Our first time in my bed. Meals in the kitchen. Watching movies in the living room. Getting rimmed in my bathroom.
I started walking again. Ghosts would linger forever. But that’s all that was left of us now.
The guest room was relatively free of memories. We’d never done much in there.
I knocked, and when there was no answer, I peered inside. Adam was on the bed, curled in a ball that almost made his tall form look small. “Hey,” I said. “Can I come in?”
He unrolled at the sound of my voice, turning over to look at me. If it were possible, he looked even worse than he had that morning. “Have you thought about it?” he asked. “About us?”
