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I sighed and sat at the edge of the bed. “Adam, stop. There’s no us. If you can put all that aside, I can be your friend. You don’t have to be alone right now.”
He swallowed hard and nodded.
I scooted closer to him and opened my arms. He fell into them with a sob, and I rubbed his back and smoothed his hair, shushing him. His scent flooded my senses and, with it, more memories hit me, too.
The feeling of him inside me, the way he kissed, the terrifyingly intense passion I’d felt for him. Even the way I’d learned to come on his dick, and the feeling of his cock thudding against my asshole. Inappropriate thoughts for such a sad time, and yet there they were. All my firsts were with Adam. All except for one.
But,my mind reminded me,maybe he had that first, too. I still didn’t know for sure if he’d used a condom that last time. My heart thumped—part rage, part grief.
I took a shaky breath. Now was a terrible time to ask. But I had to know. I needed to know.
“Adam,” I whispered, rubbing his back, my hand shaking so much that it jittered up and down his T-shirt. “The last time, in the middle of the night—ourlast time—did you use a condom?”
He stiffened against me.
“It’s okay. Tell me the truth.”
It wasn’t okay, but I had to hear it from him. I needed to know. I’d tested negative, but I still wanted to believe that what I’d shared with Daniel was the first time anyone had ever had that with me.
Adam grabbed me tighter, his breath coming in hiccupping sobs. “I did,” he whispered. “I’m a lot of bad things, but I’d never do that to you.”
“You’re sure?”
“I don’t have anything to lose by lying now. You’re gone, you’re not coming back to me—right?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Okay. Thank you. I believe you.”
He held me even tighter. I held him back. When I let go this time, it really would be the last.
“I know we’re over,” Adam said again, his voice breaking. “But I hate that I don’t remember our last kiss. I hate that I didn’t know it was the last one.”
My throat went dry.
“Could we, I mean, would you kiss me now? One last time? With everything out in the open like this. No more secrets, no more lies. Just us.”
I considered it: his lips on mine, the taste of his tongue. “No,” I whispered and pulled out of his embrace. I’d never kiss him again. “Mom said dinner is ready. You should come down and eat.”
He gazed at me. “Because of your boyfriend?”
“Because I don’t want to kiss you. Come on. You need some food.” I stopped by the doorway and turned back. “The next kiss you have can be with someone you’ve never lied to or hurt. It can be an honest kiss with no baggage or history. I want that for you.”
“Is that what it’s like with him?”
“Everything with him is honest.”
I turned and started down the stairs, the scent of spaghetti sauce luring me down. My stomach growled. I was hungrier than I’d realized, after not eating much all day.
I sat at my spot, the same place I’d been sitting when Adam had barged in the night before. My parents were in their usual places, too.
“Is he coming?” Dad asked.
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.”
I’d just finished filling my plate from the bowl of spaghetti in the center of the table when Adam joined us.
“Thanks for this,” he said, quietly.
“The Mandel family’s secret recipe,” Dad joked just like always.
